Mystic Board

If there's anything Aquarians dislike, it is probably facing their real selves. I notice that a lot of Aquas are always saying that they like being original, yet their originality is usually kinda...forced. Also, for such an unconventional sign they tend to be really dogmatic in their views; not goo...

I can't believe the weekend's almost over. I guess it wasn't COMPLETELY unproductive. I can

never seem to get anything done myself! Augh!

Today I returned back to obsessing over some 'sign' of greatness. This time it was through

numerology; an accident - we were at Barnes and Nobles and I saw an Idiot's Guide for

numerology. I got home and downloaded it...

A couple of life path systems have me pegged as a 2, not an 11. I don't feel really bad

because there are still quite a few (3/4 of the main systems) that have me as an 11/2. I've

know about the master numbers since I was a kid. When I was younger, I thought 11 was better,

but now I'm convinced that 22 is better. What I wouldn't give for some serious grounding in my

chart; then I'd be too busy rebuilding the world to care about all this crap.

Squares, aspects, trines, master numbers; I'm tired of it. I just wander around, looking for

some sort of sign that I am not an ordinary and useless person. Today I read a lot about soul

urges, and how having a 1 soul urge contributes to the "feeling" of wanting to be recognized,

or whatever. It made me feel very insecure and sad. I am a very poor student, and I don't do

much in terms of hobbies or physical activity. I had always hoped that somehow I would turn

things around, that I had a special purpose or something. Now I just feel ordinary. I have

failed to attend an exclusive university, and even when I was younger I was just getting by;

sure an honors student but never a very good one, you know? My younger brothers are already so

promising; you can just tell that things are in store for them, but what about me?

I've failed to realize the most basic concepts for my year in school. Last semester I ended

with a 2.3, and my cumulative is a 2.6. I presently weigh ~200 lbs; that's about 100 kg. I

have gained about 20 more pounds since January. I can't control myself, I cannot get my work

done and I don't know if I have a learning disorder or what. I have tried to take comfort and

move forward by likening myself to great people, but I always feel forced and fake. It makes

me feel sad because there is no one I can talk to about my problems, and people who are really

great never question themselves or even wonder if they will be special. I have a deep desire

to be recognized or even important or just good at what I do, and now I don't know if that is

even possible. Even if I was in the upper echelons of power I would feel like a complete

outsider, I would feel as though I didn't deserve it,like I was just twisting fate. What if I

somehow made it but things got messed up because God just wants me to be a normal and

unspecial and ordinary person? Everything else says that I have to learn servitude. That I

will be fulfiled by being a subordinate. I was a subordinate growing up and when I was around

friends and peers. I'm tired of being nothing. I always used to just tell myself that someday

I would get my chance, but I was born a loser. Even my mom said that I will never be the

center of positive attention. Why? I don't understand. In any stellium some stars have to

shine brighter. Why can't that star be mine? Just once, I'd like to feel relevant. I don't

know what I'm going to do with myself as a normal person. Maybe become a serial killer or a

terrorist or something. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself, taking orders and

being billionth best all the time. I hate feeling competitive. Truly great people never

compete with anyone; they just come out on top. They don't even notice it. They just do. I

know that because I've observed people that are good at stuff. But what about me? Why did I

have to get left behind, me of all people. I know that I don't have a weird thinking style, or

good ideas or anything. I'm just normal and a bit lazy and mostly below average. I hate

'special' people. I really do...my brother, famous people, everyone. I hate them. I just live

on the outside. I can't accept being a nobody like everyone else can, and I;m not good enough

to rise to the top. I've never been noticed for anything. My whole life. Now school's almost

over. I have to go get a real job and get bossed around until I die. Why? Why me? I hate them.

Use to think that someday I would shine. Now I know that I'm just unrealistic 2 + 1 soul urge

to be unique or whatever. Maybe I'll be assistant head of a sales team, and that will be good

enough. I turned 20 this  year. The only thing different about me is that I'm slower and

fatter and I get depressed more easily. None of my projects have come to fruitation. It's so

easy for me to feel bad. I can't make any of my ideas real, I never do anyhting cool or

exciting, and I'm just below (sometimes well below) average in everything that I do. I feel

like I'm trapped in an iron cage. Sometimes I wish I was dead so that I could escape this

frustration. There's nothing wrong with me other than a confusing refusal to conform. I'll

never be happy as a normal person. I'm so tired of internally fighting. I never get anywhere.

I can;t change myself unless I just want to become the perfect subordinate. The perfect

cheerleader. Who's gonna cheer me on? My whole life, no one's ever supported me.It's because

they all know I don;t belong in the spotlight. They know that I belong on the support team

with a fake smile plastered on my face, watching someone else lead my life. I wish I could

disappear and come back as someone else. I'll drive myself to suicide before I let other

people walk all over me and steal everything I've ever wanted. I live in a cage, pacing around

, repeating the same mistakes, same thoughts, same visions of grandeur. I don't know how to

materialize anything. I can' t do anything myself. Theres' nothing in my brain. I can't

perpetuate anything.

One of the worst parts is how the time just slips away from me. It's Hell. I can't think,

period. I don't understand anything. I'm just lost and searching for nothing / searching for

what I can't have. I hate myself; this self and the true one or whatever. I have to choose

between being behind and a nothing and being someone else's backup dancer. I'm tired of being

in the background, but now I know that's where I was born to be. Maybe I will just do

dangerous and stupid things for the rest of my life, hoping to die. I don't want to live a

long life. I don't want to stick around, year after year, watching others best me and rise

above me. I don't want to pretend all the time, being "happy to help". I'm never ^%&*%^&% happy

to help. Why can't people agree with ME? Follow MY lead?  Go along with ME? Respect ME? It's

always the other way around; I'm expected to be ordered around by other people all the time,

like it's the natural order of things. I think it's unfair that you're not allowed to kill

yourself. You just get cast in some role and that's it. You're done. I don't want my role. I

want ot lead and create. I want to be the best. I want to be the best at all the things that

matter to me. There's no other way to live. You're going to be on earth for a long, long time.

Why the hell would you want to spend all your time underneath, boosting other people up,

kissing someone else's ass? Bent over til you die? Who would want that?

Why should I want that?


It's even worse because no one gets it. Every time I try to tell people about how I feel, they

just don't get it. They don't understand why I would want anything better for myself, as if

it's the most absurd thing in the world for me to want to be an important or even independent

human being. I hate all of it. I hate being alone. I hate knowing and not knowing. I wish that

I had been given the mindless complacency of the masses, or at least some sort of special

worth.