This stuff is making me lose my mind

[Anime89]

I can't believe the weekend's almost over. I guess it wasn't COMPLETELY unproductive. I can

never seem to get anything done myself! Augh!

Today I returned back to obsessing over some 'sign' of greatness. This time it was through

numerology; an accident - we were at Barnes and Nobles and I saw an Idiot's Guide for

numerology. I got home and downloaded it...

A couple of life path systems have me pegged as a 2, not an 11. I don't feel really bad

because there are still quite a few (3/4 of the main systems) that have me as an 11/2. I've

know about the master numbers since I was a kid. When I was younger, I thought 11 was better,

but now I'm convinced that 22 is better. What I wouldn't give for some serious grounding in my

chart; then I'd be too busy rebuilding the world to care about all this crap.

Squares, aspects, trines, master numbers; I'm tired of it. I just wander around, looking for

some sort of sign that I am not an ordinary and useless person. Today I read a lot about soul

urges, and how having a 1 soul urge contributes to the "feeling" of wanting to be recognized,

or whatever. It made me feel very insecure and sad. I am a very poor student, and I don't do

much in terms of hobbies or physical activity. I had always hoped that somehow I would turn

things around, that I had a special purpose or something. Now I just feel ordinary. I have

failed to attend an exclusive university, and even when I was younger I was just getting by;

sure an honors student but never a very good one, you know? My younger brothers are already so

promising; you can just tell that things are in store for them, but what about me?

I've failed to realize the most basic concepts for my year in school. Last semester I ended

with a 2.3, and my cumulative is a 2.6. I presently weigh ~200 lbs; that's about 100 kg. I

have gained about 20 more pounds since January. I can't control myself, I cannot get my work

done and I don't know if I have a learning disorder or what. I have tried to take comfort and

move forward by likening myself to great people, but I always feel forced and fake. It makes

me feel sad because there is no one I can talk to about my problems, and people who are really

great never question themselves or even wonder if they will be special. I have a deep desire

to be recognized or even important or just good at what I do, and now I don't know if that is

even possible. Even if I was in the upper echelons of power I would feel like a complete

outsider, I would feel as though I didn't deserve it,like I was just twisting fate. What if I

somehow made it but things got messed up because God just wants me to be a normal and

unspecial and ordinary person? Everything else says that I have to learn servitude. That I

will be fulfiled by being a subordinate. I was a subordinate growing up and when I was around

friends and peers. I'm tired of being nothing. I always used to just tell myself that someday

I would get my chance, but I was born a loser. Even my mom said that I will never be the

center of positive attention. Why? I don't understand. In any stellium some stars have to

shine brighter. Why can't that star be mine? Just once, I'd like to feel relevant. I don't

know what I'm going to do with myself as a normal person. Maybe become a serial killer or a

terrorist or something. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself, taking orders and

being billionth best all the time. I hate feeling competitive. Truly great people never

compete with anyone; they just come out on top. They don't even notice it. They just do. I

know that because I've observed people that are good at stuff. But what about me? Why did I

have to get left behind, me of all people. I know that I don't have a weird thinking style, or

good ideas or anything. I'm just normal and a bit lazy and mostly below average. I hate

'special' people. I really do...my brother, famous people, everyone. I hate them. I just live

on the outside. I can't accept being a nobody like everyone else can, and I;m not good enough

to rise to the top. I've never been noticed for anything. My whole life. Now school's almost

over. I have to go get a real job and get bossed around until I die. Why? Why me? I hate them.

Use to think that someday I would shine. Now I know that I'm just unrealistic 2 + 1 soul urge

to be unique or whatever. Maybe I'll be assistant head of a sales team, and that will be good

enough. I turned 20 this  year. The only thing different about me is that I'm slower and

fatter and I get depressed more easily. None of my projects have come to fruitation. It's so

easy for me to feel bad. I can't make any of my ideas real, I never do anyhting cool or

exciting, and I'm just below (sometimes well below) average in everything that I do. I feel

like I'm trapped in an iron cage. Sometimes I wish I was dead so that I could escape this

frustration. There's nothing wrong with me other than a confusing refusal to conform. I'll

never be happy as a normal person. I'm so tired of internally fighting. I never get anywhere.

I can;t change myself unless I just want to become the perfect subordinate. The perfect

cheerleader. Who's gonna cheer me on? My whole life, no one's ever supported me.It's because

they all know I don;t belong in the spotlight. They know that I belong on the support team

with a fake smile plastered on my face, watching someone else lead my life. I wish I could

disappear and come back as someone else. I'll drive myself to suicide before I let other

people walk all over me and steal everything I've ever wanted. I live in a cage, pacing around

, repeating the same mistakes, same thoughts, same visions of grandeur. I don't know how to

materialize anything. I can' t do anything myself. Theres' nothing in my brain. I can't

perpetuate anything.

One of the worst parts is how the time just slips away from me. It's Hell. I can't think,

period. I don't understand anything. I'm just lost and searching for nothing / searching for

what I can't have. I hate myself; this self and the true one or whatever. I have to choose

between being behind and a nothing and being someone else's backup dancer. I'm tired of being

in the background, but now I know that's where I was born to be. Maybe I will just do

dangerous and stupid things for the rest of my life, hoping to die. I don't want to live a

long life. I don't want to stick around, year after year, watching others best me and rise

above me. I don't want to pretend all the time, being "happy to help". I'm never ^%&*%^&% happy

to help. Why can't people agree with ME? Follow MY lead?  Go along with ME? Respect ME? It's

always the other way around; I'm expected to be ordered around by other people all the time,

like it's the natural order of things. I think it's unfair that you're not allowed to kill

yourself. You just get cast in some role and that's it. You're done. I don't want my role. I

want ot lead and create. I want to be the best. I want to be the best at all the things that

matter to me. There's no other way to live. You're going to be on earth for a long, long time.

Why the hell would you want to spend all your time underneath, boosting other people up,

kissing someone else's ass? Bent over til you die? Who would want that?

Why should I want that?


It's even worse because no one gets it. Every time I try to tell people about how I feel, they

just don't get it. They don't understand why I would want anything better for myself, as if

it's the most absurd thing in the world for me to want to be an important or even independent

human being. I hate all of it. I hate being alone. I hate knowing and not knowing. I wish that

I had been given the mindless complacency of the masses, or at least some sort of special

worth.

[Crow]

WOW. Very powerful words. It makes me think though, if you are feeling these things maybe you aren't were you should be. Now the question is where the ^ell are you suppose to be? And that is a tricky question, I ask myself that all the time.  I hope in time you find your path. I tried it through Numerology, Astrology, Whatalogy...only to find it within me.  Could relate to the cheerleader part, always cheering everyone on, when it comes down to it, everyone has their own sepertate universe. They couldn't give a rat's bottom about me when I had my break down...or did they? That is when you see who is your true friends, and real family. And DNA doesn't mean crap to me anymore.  So let them rise to the top like a bubble, sooner or later it is going to pop. Slow and steady you'll find your way. I hope. ;)  And please do not kill the cereal, I find it really tasty.

Safe Journey

[NAAANEE]

the one 1 & 2 combination leads to creative thinking.your letter itself is showing that creativity! you are already a talented person.you are erroneously thinking that you are made for it,just by hearing some bad remarks on you by others.I have observed some writers who are not of worth that much has raised to a great fame just because of their confidence.Here nothing is you are lacking.Believe and you are sure to come into limelight! Throw away the laziness in you and there is no limit that you cannot achieve!

[lilanarchy]

well now you do have a way with words dont you. i can feel the hatred of the world you are projecting but maybe if your willing to try you can turn it around. "the world is a stage and we are all actors" what we all have to do is what ever it is we do best. your obviously good at writing but what else are you good at. i've found through my past 24 years and multiple bad experiences that in order to be liked you must first like yourself for who you are your goods and your bads and just focus on the positive.  i myself am a very creative person with a destructive personality. instead of beating myself (of my stuff) up i take it out by drawing or writing poetry or painting. you have very strong words which leads me to believe that writing is a strong and positive factor for you. if you feel stepped on use those words; empower yourself. you wont gain respect by not having any for yourself. if you have a goal to do something dont let others tell you not to or make you feel as if you cant do it. you have the strength to accomplish anything you want. if you want the limelight find out within yourself what will get you it. everyone has strengths and weaknesses dont let the weaknesses weigh you down.

[Charlesman]

There's nothing wrong with me other than a confusing refusal to conform.

This is it.

It sounds as if you've taken a battering that most would be incapable of fathoming. Despite this, however, you are not broken. Conforming is when you finally give up and accept that you're irrelevant. Conforming is breaking - like a slave accepting slavery. The refusal to conform confuses you because you've been taught by various role models that you are in fact supposed to conform. You're not. Noone is. The day you conform is the day you truly die.

Of all the people you can be, and have likely switched between, at present, you are probably least likely to be yourself. After all, you're unacceptable and unlovable and as such the one thing you do know for sure is that you have to be someone else.

It's all bullshit.

My advice to you is to (re)define yourself - good old Nietszche wrote a fine text about this:

Of three metamorphoses of the spirit I tell you: how the spirit becomes a camel; and the camel, a lion; and the lion, finally, a child.
There is much that is difficult for the spirit, the strong reverent spirit that would bear much: but the difficult and the most difficult are what its strength demands.
What is difficult? asks the spirit that would bear much, and kneels down like a camel wanting to be well loaded. What is most difficult, O heroes, asks the spirit that would bear much, that I may take it upon myself and exult in my strength? Is it not humbling oneself to wound one’s haughtiness? Letting one’s folly shine to mock one’s wisdom?
Or is it this: parting from our cause when it triumphs? Climbing high mountains to tempt the tempter?
Or is it this: feeding on the acorns and grass of knowledge and, for the sake of the truth, suffering hunger in one’s soul?
Or is it this: being sick and sending home the comforters and making friends with the deaf, who never hear what you want?
Or is it this: stepping into filthy waters when they are the waters of truth, and not repulsing cold frogs and hot toads?
Or is it this: loving those who despise us and offering a hand to the ghost that would frighten us?
All these most difficult things the spirit that would bear much takes upon itself: like the camel that, burdened, speeds into the desert, thus the spirit speeds into its desert.
In the loneliest desert, however, the second metamorphosis occurs: here the spirit becomes a lion who would conquer his freedom and be master in his own desert. Here he seeks out his last master: he wants to fight him and his last god; for ultimate victory he wants to fight with the great dragon.
Who is the great dragon whom the spirit will no longer call lord and god? Thou shalt is the name of the great dragon. But the spirit of the lion says, I will. Thou shalt lies in his way, sparkling like gold, an animal covered with scales; and on every scale shines a golden thou shalt.
Values, thousands of years old, shine on these scales; and thus speaks the mightiest of all dragons: All value of all things shines on me. All value has long been created, and I am all created value. Verily, there shall be no more ‘I will.’ Thus speaks the dragon.
My brothers, why is there a need in the spirit for the lion? Why is not the beast of burden, which renounces and is reverent, enough?
To create new values—that even the lion cannot do; but the creation of freedom for oneself for new creation—that is within the power of the lion. The creation of freedom for oneself and a sacred No even to duty—for that, my brothers, the lion is needed. To assume the right to new values—that is the most terrifying assumption for a reverent spirit that would bear much. Verily, to him it is preying, and a matter for a beast of prey. He once loved thou shalt as most sacred: now he must find illusion and caprice even in the most sacred, that freedom from his love may become his prey: the lion is needed for such prey.
But say, my brothers, what can the child do that even the lion could not do? Why must the preying lion still become a child? The child is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred Yes. For the game of creation, my brothers, a sacred Yes is needed: the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.
Of three metamorphoses of the spirit I have told you: how the spirit became a camel; and the camel, a lion; and the lion, finally, a child.

[Lunachick1235]

I'm 22 and I went through similiar feelings not too long ago. I saw the numbers, I'd only learned about them when I turned 19 or 20 so depending on how you add the digits, I could be a 33 or a 6. I felt as if people around me had high hopes for me, once I let them see who I was. However, to the rest of the world I remained wrapped up tightly. I just recently graduated, so I started using my newfound freedom to build up all sorts of networks around myself. I work part-time as a web designer for a company, and the rest of the time, for my own clothing company I started with a friend. I wear many hats, I play whatever role I need to play to get by... and it's not without some self-sacrifice. I like role playing, but I have to do it all the time, so it hurts and confuses me sometimes. However, I found that in all the costume changes, from work clothes to the clothes i sell and wear to promote and the clothes I choose to wear when it's "just me"... i have faces, moods, and personalities to match with each. I only found myself after figuring out that it wasn't "me"... I was just playing a role. I needed to find the person playing the role. It seems you don't want to play the roles that have been pre-set for you in this world. It seems you can't bare to fit in with it and go along with the prescription. That's okay! You have trouble because you know that you can do better. However, sometimes you have to wait it out in the shallow before you can take a deeper dive. You need to wait here, in the cloudy space, to see the next opportunity when it breaks. You don't want to get washed away because you dove into something over your head, but don't wait too long either. It's hard work... every tier I've climbed, I felt like it was 2 steps forward and one back. One good thing happens, then something bad immediately happens which prevents me from really getting that chance to celebrate the latter. So its a hard climb, but it is a climb. No one will place you on top of the mountain, the only way to get there is to suit up and climb. Hope you can find your center, your inspiration, and see the temporary suffering in the wading pool as your key to happiness in the deeper waters.