Caring for elderly an parent

[TheAlchemist]

Anyone out there caring for an elderly parent?   I`m interested in knowing others experience with this. I have been caring for my elderly mother now for six years since she had a stroke....recently she suffered a heart attack and has since recovered very well...she is now living with me and I wonder if anyone out  there would care to share their care taking experiences with me.

[mystic_angel75]

I am a Community Care Assistant in a Long term Care Facility in my Town. I realize that it is slightly different then taking care of a parent but I hope you don't mind me posting about my experiences within my work. Also  nearly four years ago I cared for my BF both in and out of the hospital when he was diagnosed with terminal end stage cancer.

First of all I would like to commend you for taking care of your mother. Taking care of an elderly person can be emotionally and physically taxing experience. And it can also be very hard psychologically as well. At times you may feel like you could become burnt out but to guard against this both for yourself and your mother I recommend that you also set up a support network for yourself. Whether you have friends or other family that could help you or perhaps finding centers within your own community where you could receive help or relief for your self to help maintain a healthy equilibrium.

Now I do not want to sound like everything's bad because its not. I enjoy my work immensely. I have had the opportunity in my career to meet many different people form all backgrounds, walks of life and all cultures. The hardest part for me working with the elderly is knowing that these wonderful people are often very ill when I meet them and the only reason they are not in their own homes or with their families is because their families are not able to give them the around the clock care that they need.  Then there are also some elderly who have no family left or who are unwilling to take care of them. These people are the ones that break my heart because I often wish I could do more for them.

You taking care of your mother is  beautiful and wonderful it shows me that your mother must have raised to be a caring and loving person. As she must have been a great and wonderful woman herself. I think that your mother is probably all the healthier and happier with the knowledge that you are taking care of her. I am very sure that as time passes that you will appreciate every moment that you have with your mother. Listening to her stories and seeing a loving and appreciative look in your mothers eyes will fill your heart with lasting love and memories for the rest of your life..... and hers.

I have not given you much if any advice but I hope that you will get something from this.

Good Luck and God Bless You,!!!

[TheAlchemist]

thank you so much for your reply mystic_angel75 ...i sincerely appreciate your kind words...and i do look at this situation as a blessing ..I am thankful that i am able to take care of my mother...i believe that the light of God enables me to remain energized and not burn out...also my family is very supportive....husband,two teenagers and a two year old...i think the hardest time was during my pregnancy....as I was so hormonal...mom would ask for something simple like her toothbrush and i would break out in tears..kinda funny now looking back at it...i guess pregnancy will do that .... Keep up your good works ! you have a very special talent that is very much needed in the world! I want to thank you again for your words of encouragement they go straight to my heart...I appreciate!   sending love and blessings your way

[missymiller]

hi there, my name is missy.  I live in Sacramento california with my 88 year old grandfather.  I just moved back to Sacramento in December from Spokane Wa.  
My grandpa has lived in this same house for about 60 years.  Alone for the past 8 since my grandma died, & pretty much alone in Sacramento since my mother sold her house & moved 4 years ago. Since that time I had been uncomfortably aware that he was all alone so I made it a point to keep in touch & check to see how he was doing more often then I had  before.
The last time I called him frm Spokane, he said he was doing very poor & that I'd better get down here.  I got on the next amtrack train & have been here every since.
It has been very challenging.  I left my 2 boys 12 & 6 years old to come.  They live with thier dad but I had a house 5 blocks away & was a very close part of their lives.  That has been hard.  But there is noone else to fill the shoes (my mother just kinda abandoned him) & I know that he would go to a home if he didnt have help.
My grandpa is a very proud, stern man, who is becoming harder to relate with as his awareness & involvement shrink.  His narrow world is becoming more so rapidly.  
I am grateful that physically he is pretty healthy, we have had no major issues to deal with so far, thank god!  Just the challenge of trying to make sure he keeps his medication straight, (he tends to get pills mixed up & stuff), without making him feel like he cant do it himself.
My grandfather is grouchy & grumpy, hard of hearing, & usually has no idea wha the hell I'm talking about unless its what time wheel of fortune comes on or does he want spaghetti or ham for dinner.  He wont take a shower more than once a month & I have only seen him smile one time in my life.
There are certain things about myself that other people would find much more intolerable than these few petty things about my grandpa so I bite back exasperation better then I ever have with anyone in my life, & smile.  He also does some vey funny things tht I have to bite back lauqhter because I think that would hurt his feelings more then gripin' at him.
I love my grandpa to death & would do anything for him.
Here are a few of my experiences,  please if you'd like to share more about you & your mom, do so!  I will keep my eyes open for any new posts from you!  Peace & love to you.

[suzisco]

you are both very kind wonderful people, I too have part time care of a terminally ill woman.  I am sometimes not serene about it and can feel very resentful.  Those are the very dark days.

Suzi

[Pandora1151]

This summer, I started assisting with the care of my grandmother and her husband. In my lifetime, I have always been very close to my other grandma and only really saw this one once in a blue moon. She's a little intimidating - a Polish grandma who runs everything and takes care of everyone in the family. Last year, I moved about a mile away from her and still only visited her a few times I'm ashamed to say. Strange thing is, just as I was really getting the hang of developing my gifts and getting used to the idea that I am a medium and can actually communicate with the spirits that are ALWAYS around, a spirit came through very strongly. At first, I pushed him away because I didn't feel I had enough experience to begin this part of my development. But he was insistent and he finally showed me who he was - my grandfather. He told me that he wanted me to re-connect with my grandmother and help her get through these last stages of her life and to let her know that when it was time for her to cross over, he'd be there waiting for her. I went back and forth about whether this was my imagination or not. I get problems with my back here and there and after he left, my back went out. It wasn't really the way it usually is though. It was more in my right hip area on my back. As the days went by (just a couple) it got worse and the front of my left hip also started hurting pretty bad. I was finding it hard to walk. Then I stopped in to visit my uncle one day and he told me that my grandmother, who has been the backbone of the family forever, was not doing well and I should go visit her. I called her and she said she'd like it if I could maybe do some chores for her because she was having a hard time moving around. I agreed but I wanted to wait until my back "cleared up." So I waited a couple more days and it wasn't clearing up although it wasn't getting worse. Finally, I decided I'd just go see her and if I could do something I would, but if not I would schedule another time. As I was talking to her she was telling me about the problems she's been having in her hips and how she's finding it hard to walk. Now I am empathic but until this year, I didn't usually feel other people's physical pain. But a light went off in my head and I asked her to show me where it's been hurting so much. She pointed to the exact spots where I was having problems. As soon as I realized that was the connection, I sensed my grandpa there smiling at me and the pain left me completely! I then proceeded to do a bunch of chores for her to her dismay. She thought I was still having problems. I explained to her that it no longer hurt after she told me and that I was having problems in the same areas she was so I thought it was just my way of knowing she needed help. I haven't told too many people in my family about being empathic/psychic. You should have seen her face! Similar things have happened a few times since so she's starting to get used to the idea. My grandpa hung around me for a few months after that, I guess to help me work out some issues and allow me to get used to the fact that the message was real. I haven't told my grandma about him yet, but I plan to next time I go there because he is not with me so much anymore. He's hanging around with her and I think she can tell he's there. Her problem has progressed all summer to where now she's in a wheelchair. I am studying to be a psychologist and have been counseling people unofficially for years. I've helped her psychologically through the transition of being a caretaker to being taken care of. Her husband is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and he is quite a challenge at times. He also falls down regularly and hits his head which doesn't help. She can't help him anymore and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't want anyone else to take care of him. He's very stubborn. He refuses to go to a retirement home where he is safer even though my grandma wants to. So I talked my aunt into moving in with them but she's a very simple woman and only 88 pounds. She's more of a safeguard that if something happens, she can call 9-1-1. Other family members and I now stop in there a couple times a week and do something, visit, or just watch them while my aunt goes somewhere. They can't be alone for a minute. I don't get upset at them for their stubborn behavior because I know I'm probably going to be just like them when I get to that stage of life! I am also one of the caretakers of the family and I don't like people doing everything for me. I got it from her! :D

[TheAlchemist]

Thank you all for responding to this post.....it`s good  to know i am not the only one in this challenging situation.....first let me say i commend you all for your selfless acts of kindness....

missymiller making a move like you did is an incredible compassionate gesture....my mom lived next door to me so i think in that respect it was easier ...but when my mom had her stroke my husband and 2 kids at the time moved to her house and she moved into my house...we did that for some months until she wanted to go back home..then we switched houses again...and i just ran back and forth between the two houses in sun rain and two feet of snow she cant dress wash or prepare meals so it was a lot of back and forth three to five times a day for 5 years....including 9 months of pregnancy and two years of lugging a baby back and forth...not easy...especially  during the cold and snow blizzards....now after her heart attack i have brought her back to my house...so now i`m not trekking so much...but i do have to deal with a lot of parental advice on how to raise my two year old and various requests for drinks, snacks, bandaids...the telephone....etc etc...the list goes on...as she doesn`t walk. so there are pros and cons for both scenarios.....

Suzisco You are a sweet soul!!!!... Its not always easy...I know exactly how you feel...I have two sisters who live within a 60 second walking distance to moms house and in the beginning I was resentful that they did not help out more...and I was given a lot of advice on how i should do things and what she should eat..etc etc..which really bothered be at first....but over the years i have come to terms with the fact that they can not handle the situation...and I am thankful that i can....be proud of yourself and know that its ok to have a whole lot of different emotions... we all have good days and could be better days....but as long as we do are best...thats all that matters...Peace my friend...

Pandora1151 Your gifts are amazing! It`s nice to know that we are looked after and guided from above....Interesting... I too sense my maternal grandmother watching over me at times...feeling her presence and knowing that she appreciates what i am doing for her daughter....brings tears to my eyes as i write this response...thank you so much for your post....i feel very close to spirit....i can relate to your situation totally....my mom worked full time and ran circles around us all....until one day her work called wondering where she was as she did not show up ...good thing...because we found her laying at the bottom of the steps..she had a stroke and was trying to get to the phone.....it took her a long time to get used the idea of being taken care of..no more cooking driving dressing or washing herself....but its ok now...and it will get easier for
you as well...

Again Thank you all for your inspirational posts....I send you all love peace and healing energy...

[hthrshorty]

Hello, I'm a certified nurses assistant for 11 yrs now. I work in a nursing home all of the time that I have been a Cna. I did Live-in Care for about 3 months. I would work 5 days a week, then someone else would come in. The man that I took care of had dementia. Every night after we would eat supper we went for a walk then we would sit outside for a little while. I remember one time he wanted to go to the beach and see the water. So we drove 1hr1/2 to the water we were there 5 minutes and he told me he had seen enough so we came back home....I took him to doctors app. made sure he had his medicine cook something to eat.....I did that until my boyfriend couldn't take it any more I had to come back home. Now I'm back working in a nursing home..I love it there I love working with the elderly it's my calling....I have to tell you all that when you take care of a sick or elderly family member at home I applaud you all......It's a very emtionally draining on you and your family....You have to have a life too.....I seen so many things since I've been working in a nursing home...I get very attach to certain ones they till you not to but it's hard not too. Alot of these elderly don't have families and the ones do some of them don't come in and see them. It's very heart breaking to see.but they I look at it we are there family...God bless you for taking care of your mother.

[spiritalk]

Its not so much that families wish to forget or ignore their elderly ancestors.  Perhaps the problem is in turning the relationship around from child to parent.  It is very hard for the elderly to accept the care they need, and most assuredly harder still from those that are family.

[hthrshorty]

Yes you are right about that. Alot of them have families out of the state or they haven't had any kids and the rest of the sibilies are no longer here.

[TheAlchemist]

thank you hthrshorty and spiritalk for your posts... yes it can be challenging turning a parent child relationship around....i think with time and as you both adjust to the situation it gets easier and i also understand that some elderly dont have close relatives. mom just spent 4 months in a wonderful nursing home to recover after her heart attack...i knew that she was well taken care of by a caring staff...funny thing is i had 4 months off and did not know what to do with myself...i felt lost without her in my care...i do have a life of my own but it does revolve around her....i have been fortunate and have taken family vacations throughout the years and still i find my self calling her to see if she is ok from 3000 miles away...i had aides come in and a neighbor to check on her as well when i`m away...also she can be left alone for short periods of time which is helpful so i can go to my sons ball games and school functions  etc etc....i think she likes to be alone for peace and quiet...as i have a husband two teenagers and a two year old ...when we are all home the noise level can be different than what she was used to living alone in her own home....but we are all adjusting well..and i am glad she is home with me....sending love to you all....Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words...i appreciate and take them to heart...peace my friends!