This is a poem I wrote about my own experience of many years of self-loathing, after it had ended - with the help of many.
The sky boiled black with storm clouds, lightning and rain crashed down
And I, in the towering waves below, fighting desperately not to drown,
And seeing a distant figure, faint on the faraway shore,
Cried: "Throw me a line, I'm drowning, and I fear I can swim no more!"
Then sank once more, yet thankful for, an answering shout from the land;
But blessed relief became bleak despair when the missile reached my hand:
That solitary distant figure, whose aid was my only hope,
Had mocked my desperate plight and hurled and lantern, not a rope.
Then over the waves I heard a voice float clearly above the din:
"To quell the raging storm without you must shine the lamp within,
And never a rope can save you, nor anyone pull you clear:
The heart of the storm is the dark in you, and the dark in you is fear."
My throat was choked with terror: could these terrible words be true?
"Then the only thing that can save me is the one thing I cannot do!
Inside is a core of evil where is hidden the real me -
If I should look on the monster, the light would set it free!"
Once more across the angry waves the voice came floating clear:
"You shall be free if you trust in me - take the lamp and face your fear!
Deep in that inky blackness, no monstrous evil's grown;
There's only a sad and frightened child who cries in the dark alone."
Fury arose at this stranger, who would leave me to drown in the sea!
Could another's eye see clearer than I what lies at the heart of me?
"I'll turn the lamplight inwards, reveal my dreadful shame;
We'll both fall prey to the monster, and you will be to blame!"
Into the fearful blackness I turned the lamp to shine
And looked to see a sorrowful child lift a tear-stained face to mine.
My heart near broke with pity when I saw what I had hidden,
And heard the sad and lonely voice that asked, "Am I forgiven?"
At last, with understanding, I raised my face to the sun;
There was no storm to drown me now the child and I were one.
In humble gratitude I turned, beside me stood my friend.
"How can I pay you back," I asked, "for making me whole again?"
The kind reply was simple: "No gratitude is due;
It took great strength to save yourself - that courage came from you.
But there are many drowning souls. If there's a debt to pay:
Throw someone else a lantern - don't shrug and turn away."
- I have since come across others who have "the dark inside". It is a veil we make to hide ourselves from ourselves, by thinking that we are bad because of something that has happened to us; but the veil itself comes to seem like "badness". It took about 15 years for my veil to gradually get smaller until it was gone, but it would have stayed always if other people had not helped me learn what it was and why it was there.
You can't accept love from anyone until you believe you deserve it.
Forgiving Yourself
Moderators: eye_of_tiger, shalimar123
Wow thats freaky fascinating got my hair all pointing to the sky! shoked me!
you have a nice way of writting poetry but the history is great and in some ways scare/dramatic. so as I didn't wanted to get upset i read it as if it was a musical with the parts that come with 5 people singing happily ( I know it sounds stupid but at least it works. You choked me.
you have a nice way of writting poetry but the history is great and in some ways scare/dramatic. so as I didn't wanted to get upset i read it as if it was a musical with the parts that come with 5 people singing happily ( I know it sounds stupid but at least it works. You choked me.
That was fantastic, now I know, why I never got any love, because I always say that the other person (girl) deserves someone better than me, much much better than me, I never saw myself as worthy of them, If I don't see myself worthy, how can they even think I am worthy.
How do we shine the light inside ourself??
How do we shine the light inside ourself??
~*~Tish~*~
I have to tell you something Tish...
It took me 2 days to read this poem.. You did a dynamic job on it I must say... What my problem was, I was reading about me in here...
I'm a sucker for guilt and blame... I'm working on that now in my life..
I know I will be set free~!! 
Thank you so much, Tish... :)
It took me 2 days to read this poem.. You did a dynamic job on it I must say... What my problem was, I was reading about me in here...
I'm a sucker for guilt and blame... I'm working on that now in my life..
I know I will be set free~!!
Thank you so much, Tish... :)
An Explanation
How to shine the light inside?
The light is knowledge, as in bringing something into the light to see it clearly and know what it is. Realising you are not bad inside, nor ever were, is gaining self-knowledge. But first you have to question it.
Much of the time, the feeling is used to justify its own existence. "I feel like I'm bad, so I must be." If you can look inside and see darkness too, then it just increases the effect. I can see what I am - darkness, badness, therefore that is what I am.
I started questioning it from a very simple remark made to me by someone I had not known long (I think I was 19 then). He said he liked me, and I quickly replied, "You wouldn't if you knew what I'm really like." Instead of taking me at my word (as plenty of others had), he only said, "Why, what are you really like?" And I couldn't answer. I realised that I didn't know.
So I started to ask: what am I? What am I that is so bad? I try to be nice, I try to help people, I care about others. Of course, I knew that I wasn't doing anything dreadful. So why am I bad?
I started reading up on psychology, to try to understand myself. I knew about what had happened when I was young (18 months), because my family had often wondered in conversation whether my bad relationship with my mother was due to this. She was very ill when she was pregnant with my brother, and was scarcely able to look after my sister and me, being severely anaemic. She was then in hospital for several weeks. During that time, my grandmother stayed with us to help, and we were looked after by her and my Dad. We were being well looked after!
But I became ill with a nasty gastroenteritis bug. For days I couldn't keep anything down. I can remember sitting on my Dad's lap, begging him to let me have a biscuit, please, please, just one biscuit, because I was so hungry; and when he gave in, having to be sick into the bowl they had put for me, because I was too little to reach the toilet.
The psychological term for what happens to an infant is "abandonment"; it does not depend on the child actually having been abandoned. As little as two weeks is enough for the child to conclude that their mother has left them because they were "bad". When I read: "When this happens, the infant creates a veil to hide themselves from themselves", it was lilke being slapped. I had never told anyone about my darkness inside. I didn't know anyone who talked about "seeing inside themselves", so I had no concept of that. So I began to accept that this could be the truth.
I read that small children are capable of primal rages; but they have little influence or understanding of the world about them. But your view of yourself, and the world, and your place in it, is formed at this time!
Small children are "strangers in a strange land". Their first task is to win the total devotion of their mother, because their very survival depends on that, and they have nothing to offer except themselves, their love. If they think they have failed, some simply give up and die! Most have their loving bond, but it is tied in with bad feelings, because of all the times when the mother was cross with them, often for things they couldn't help or didn't understand.
A 2-year-old, happily peeling off the wallpaper after they found a loose bit, is fascinated by the texture and feel, and is enjoying the sensation of fine control over their little fingers. They have no grasp of "wallpaper costs money", or "we put it there because we want it to stay there and look nice". They don't have any understanding. So they are concentrating happily, and the next thing, along comes a huge and frightening person who yells at them. All such incidents frighten them, and add to their store of "I'm bad".
A mother who is unhappy, or distracted, fills them with fear. To tiny children, mother is God who knows everything, provides everything and controls everything. If mother is scared, or neglectful, they grow up full of fear - the world is terrifying, or love can't be trusted - it may go away!
My own mother was quite immature herself (due to her own childhood experiences!). When she returned with the new baby (my replacement, to me!), and I wouldn't go to her, instead of understanding and trying gently to win me back, she rejected me right back, and tried to use my own dependence as a weapon against me - "You need me, you'll have to come to me sooner or later." So the rest of my childhood was spent fighting her. I refused to eat (one of the few ways in which a child can exert themselves against the parent). I was awkward and difficult; whatever they wanted me to do, I wouldn't do. And I hated my brother for years. But I didn't know why.
Over many years, my family (Mum, Dad, my sister and me, as my brother had died), opened our hearts to each other, discussing what had happened to us in our lives, and how we felt. Gradually we came to understand each other. My Mum was a good mum, and I told her so, eventually. She needed to hear it. She said, "Can I have that in writing?", and I said, "Sure, any time."
So, it's a matter of trying to understand and accept the child you once were - the feelings of which are still inside you, being part of yourself - who didn't understand what was going on, and thought it must all be their fault for being bad. Forgive the child for hurting, for not understanding, and for all they did in their pain and rage. Release the anger, release the pain. Be whole.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Tish
The light is knowledge, as in bringing something into the light to see it clearly and know what it is. Realising you are not bad inside, nor ever were, is gaining self-knowledge. But first you have to question it.
Much of the time, the feeling is used to justify its own existence. "I feel like I'm bad, so I must be." If you can look inside and see darkness too, then it just increases the effect. I can see what I am - darkness, badness, therefore that is what I am.
I started questioning it from a very simple remark made to me by someone I had not known long (I think I was 19 then). He said he liked me, and I quickly replied, "You wouldn't if you knew what I'm really like." Instead of taking me at my word (as plenty of others had), he only said, "Why, what are you really like?" And I couldn't answer. I realised that I didn't know.
So I started to ask: what am I? What am I that is so bad? I try to be nice, I try to help people, I care about others. Of course, I knew that I wasn't doing anything dreadful. So why am I bad?
I started reading up on psychology, to try to understand myself. I knew about what had happened when I was young (18 months), because my family had often wondered in conversation whether my bad relationship with my mother was due to this. She was very ill when she was pregnant with my brother, and was scarcely able to look after my sister and me, being severely anaemic. She was then in hospital for several weeks. During that time, my grandmother stayed with us to help, and we were looked after by her and my Dad. We were being well looked after!
But I became ill with a nasty gastroenteritis bug. For days I couldn't keep anything down. I can remember sitting on my Dad's lap, begging him to let me have a biscuit, please, please, just one biscuit, because I was so hungry; and when he gave in, having to be sick into the bowl they had put for me, because I was too little to reach the toilet.
The psychological term for what happens to an infant is "abandonment"; it does not depend on the child actually having been abandoned. As little as two weeks is enough for the child to conclude that their mother has left them because they were "bad". When I read: "When this happens, the infant creates a veil to hide themselves from themselves", it was lilke being slapped. I had never told anyone about my darkness inside. I didn't know anyone who talked about "seeing inside themselves", so I had no concept of that. So I began to accept that this could be the truth.
I read that small children are capable of primal rages; but they have little influence or understanding of the world about them. But your view of yourself, and the world, and your place in it, is formed at this time!
Small children are "strangers in a strange land". Their first task is to win the total devotion of their mother, because their very survival depends on that, and they have nothing to offer except themselves, their love. If they think they have failed, some simply give up and die! Most have their loving bond, but it is tied in with bad feelings, because of all the times when the mother was cross with them, often for things they couldn't help or didn't understand.
A 2-year-old, happily peeling off the wallpaper after they found a loose bit, is fascinated by the texture and feel, and is enjoying the sensation of fine control over their little fingers. They have no grasp of "wallpaper costs money", or "we put it there because we want it to stay there and look nice". They don't have any understanding. So they are concentrating happily, and the next thing, along comes a huge and frightening person who yells at them. All such incidents frighten them, and add to their store of "I'm bad".
A mother who is unhappy, or distracted, fills them with fear. To tiny children, mother is God who knows everything, provides everything and controls everything. If mother is scared, or neglectful, they grow up full of fear - the world is terrifying, or love can't be trusted - it may go away!
My own mother was quite immature herself (due to her own childhood experiences!). When she returned with the new baby (my replacement, to me!), and I wouldn't go to her, instead of understanding and trying gently to win me back, she rejected me right back, and tried to use my own dependence as a weapon against me - "You need me, you'll have to come to me sooner or later." So the rest of my childhood was spent fighting her. I refused to eat (one of the few ways in which a child can exert themselves against the parent). I was awkward and difficult; whatever they wanted me to do, I wouldn't do. And I hated my brother for years. But I didn't know why.
Over many years, my family (Mum, Dad, my sister and me, as my brother had died), opened our hearts to each other, discussing what had happened to us in our lives, and how we felt. Gradually we came to understand each other. My Mum was a good mum, and I told her so, eventually. She needed to hear it. She said, "Can I have that in writing?", and I said, "Sure, any time."
So, it's a matter of trying to understand and accept the child you once were - the feelings of which are still inside you, being part of yourself - who didn't understand what was going on, and thought it must all be their fault for being bad. Forgive the child for hurting, for not understanding, and for all they did in their pain and rage. Release the anger, release the pain. Be whole.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Tish
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FollowerofChrist
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:17 am
???
It was a nice poem, but at the end you said: "You can't accept love from anyone until you believe you deserve it." This I DO NOT think is true. I've accepted the love of christ while still knowing that I don't deserve any of it. Christ died to forgive us of sins we've commited. It's because of those sins that we are not deserving. Only in Christ's love are we saved.
(I'm not trying to start a debate, though I am open to it, just stating my belief/knowlege/opinion.)
(I'm not trying to start a debate, though I am open to it, just stating my belief/knowlege/opinion.)
Actually, you know what? It was the love of "my" angel who helped me to heal, for the same reason. I'm not sure that I so much felt loved, exactly, as that he was prepared to bother with me.But I was convinced that other people down here would see this "badness" in me and turn away!
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