Boyfriend...maybe shallow

[Shelly9]

Ive been with this guy for 5 months, over the summer we got really close, i left my boyfriend for him because he told me he liked me and i really liked him but blocked it out because i didn't think i had a chance, i felt like i was doing something wrong even though i didnt technically cheat the feelings behind my actions were still immoral

everything was going ok until he was grounded and we barely talked and grew apart i also suspected he liked another girl but ignored it

well his behavior was out of line at times towards her but he does have a very flirtatious nature

they're like the same person he says he doesn't have any feelings for her because hes committed to me but would if we weren't together and because shes has some immature behavior

but i just cant understand whats going on with him, when i bring up things that are going wrong he either gets angry or dramatic, and when i finally asked about her he called me insecure and clingy so i backed off but i dont see how that solves anything, to the point of trying to forget about him because thats what he seems to want
i dont know why hes with me, all he ever does is work and play video games, he never wants to hang out but he seems to take this relationship seriously by what he says
we did actually break up for like an hour, and i called him and we got back together, he said he was being stupid but i wonder if he no longer has feelings for me and stays with me so i dont get hurt? although i still am
so i dont know but that was probably a really pointless post but im just  so distraught i can only be so fake and i wonder if its even going to be worth it
any insights?

[Brother-Minos]

Hi Shelly,

I can sorta remember what it was like being a 15 year old boy. Yeah, a very confusing time. Your guy probably likes having you as a girlfriend, but at the same time he still likes those video games and other stuff. He probably just doesn't know how to divide his time up between you and other things. Guys don't mature as fast as girls do so you're gonna have to not expect too much; he will screw things up, and you probably will too sometimes; thats what happens in relationships even when you're 65.  Just take it all as learning about each other and enjoying the good times when you get them; ups and downs, that's life. If you want an uncomplicated life, then don't have relationships! But having Feelings is always worth it; even lousy ones sometimes because that's how we know when we're having great ones. But if you never get the great feelings anymore, and he doesn't want to put any effort into it, it's time to move on. Dating is supposed to be fun.

[lavirgo]

yeah, i agree with the above post, couldn't of said it better myself.


a hint though if your anything like i was at that age,  don't make him your whole world,  because then you have these expectations or goals he knows nothing about.  that just causes misunderstandings and confusion.

[Shelly9]

thanks guys,  :)
i guess i have realized i had made him my whole world and now im trying to separate myself from him some, but im almost thinking that the effort isnt worth it with everything he keeps doing its really making me depressed and lowering my already really low self-worth

[kris108]

It seems to me you need to enhance your self-worth.

[Shelly9]

yes, i am aware of that and am trying to work on it. I actually think i'm already making progress but it could just be passing optimism. The thing is that when i think im making progress in changing me or my life, the past always comes back to get me, you know what i mean, and then i stop trying and revert to my old self.

[boltonlas]

Shelly remember your have years of learning to be you, if the past biting you on the ass gets too much and feel yourself reverting back to the old you, just say a little mantra to yourself in the mirror, like, the past is behind me the future in front of me and i AM walking forwards, and see yourself leaving the past behind. Dont worry about whats past, you cant make it better, BUT  you can make your future better.


love and light
boltonlas xxx

[Blackruby]

If the past keeps coming to get me, it usually means there is something there I haven't quite dealt with. You will have to look at your own situation and decide if that is true. In regards to you and your fella, if he is making you feel bad about yourself then that's not right. I agree with whoever said if all the great feelings are gone and all he is doing is making you feel bad, then you don't need him.

I also second the point about not making him your whole world, I know it's hard at times when you are crazy about someone and just want to be with them all the time, but if it ends, then you are left with nothing. Better to have your own life and hobbies and friends and invite him in, rather than sitting around, waiting by the phone, to use a cliche.

[Shelly9]

thanks for the advice, both of you, i just want to be out on my own, i think I will be alot happier and better at moving on from things, its hard to do so when you are under the control of your parents and you dont want to make them upset because then they'll make your life hell, but im starting to not care in a way just because its no way to live, and i think since ive been making an effort to separate myself a bit from him, ive gotten alot happier, but it feels like an effort, like im just in denial about it, and maybe eventually i just wont care, but why is it that i have to change so much to fit his reality, idk guys are weird, i cant break up with him, i just wish he could care a bit more

[kris108]

I think the problem is that you feel a need to fit his reality. What you need is a friend in whose reality you will naturally fit, without having to bend yourself out of shape.

[spiritalk]

It is absolutely amazing how wise those terrible parents become when we are in our 20s and see life from another perspective!  Please do not dismiss such a valuable resource to your life and education.  

Being on your own is not all its cracked up to be.  There is always someone to answer to or for.

[BoneThugAngel]

Many males are shallow and immature @ any age. I am dealing with 1 now his early 20s. So get used to it and  my advice work on finding other positive outlets to keep you focused.  *Males we often can't live with or without em n vice versa*

[ragun]

boys are girls if that makes sense.

He is either immature or has another girl --- IN EITHER CASE, and I stress either, it is not worth it. Have three boyfriends. Hell -- have four. Don't sleep with any of them and they will chase you harder. Treat them all respectfully, be honest with them all (this makes them work harder for your attention again), and enjoy yourself! Don't spend too much time on just one. There are so many!

Study hard and wait till you get to University --- it is so much better. If you can, go to University abroad. That is even better.

High school is not the real world in any way. Don't ever think it is the end of the world because it isn't. It isn't even the crappy part of the world either -- it is the small grain of sand under your foot as you run off into the future!

[MissEm]

Find yr own reality and be the person that you want to be - an all that you can be.

As ragun said avove, have lots of boyfriends but keep them at a distance.  Be nice to them, flirt with them a little and make them chase you.  It's all fun.