Social Obligations?

[swetha]

How do you handle social obligations? parties you have to attend. functions of unknown people. birthdays of some fifth cousin's child!

it really drives me crazy! I have just had enough of being civil. sometimes I feel like I don't give a damn people like it or not....I am just not in a frame of mind to attend a wedding when my brother has died a few months ago but how do I make people understand that? especially family  :smt017

[believer]

I tell them the truth in sort of a joking way and just say that I'm not ready for whatever the function is.  Last night I told the teachers of my Son's school that I've lost my mind and hopefully someday it will return.  I then told them that for the last year, I've been liqudating and dealing with my Mom's estate and the stress has overtaken me and I am doing what I can to survive.  It will amaze you how people will back off and give you some space.  

Good Luck,
Believer

[dblmagus]

I'd concur with the truth being the optimal solution. Death tends to be enough of a reason to explain most issues. I had to present a teacher with my friends obituary once because her suicide had been bringing me down most of a month that I was dealing with half a dozen exams and projects and things got handled from there.

[Prof. Akers]

Ever considered how any times people came to your parties when they really wanted to curl up at home - no I hadn't either until I sat down to write a response. I'd assumed because I'm me and everybody loves me (ha ha) that they were over joyed to invited to be part of my celebrations.
Now look what you've done Swetha, you've made me think and think about others, just as I was feeling nice and selfish (ringing any bells?).

[suzisco]

LOL Prof, thats a good way to look at it.

I don't attend many parties because they make me uncomfortable.
I'm lucky I have very little in the way of family so if there is a family get to gether its not intimidating and I'm keen to go.

Having watched my family all die very quickly one after the other I tend to savour the times we have together as you just don't know what is round the corner for us all.

[Nyteshadecreed]

Swetha,

           I would talk to your family member who is getting married, and ask if it would be ok, if you came but left after the ceremony. Or early. Explain that while you want to be a part of the joyous day, that you still are having a hard time with the death and that you don't want to take away from the celebration.  Most family will understand that, and I know that in my family when I have done this, I was told that if I did not feel up to coming that it was understood and that they were happy that I wanted to come and be a part of it, and kept in mind that my being unhappy might have been noticed by other family members and taken away from the happiness of the day. Weddings are supposed to be a celebration, and when you are with family and unhappy they tend to want to talk to you and 'fix' it (yet again speaking mostly of my family). Even if you are still wanted there... by asking now about leaving early, and explaining why, then it will help keep any feelings from being hurt. This is still your family and although you are going through a lot right now, they will always be your family, So try to work it out so you are not hurting anyone's feelings, and yet be truthful. *hugz* I hope that you get to feeling better and that you can work something out.

Light, Love, and Blessings for you and your family,
                                                                          Nyte

[Prof. Akers]

Family moments are incredibly precious, both Suzi and I speak from experience.
No matter how much you dread going or how busy you are - go because when the time comes when they aren't there you can't go back and re-live them.

[swetha]

thanks guys,

yep I understand what you say...point is it was my bro-in-law u passed away quite suddenly and whom I was close to and the wedding ..they are my husband's family too...and his own mom and own sis are coming frm out of town to attend. till now I was adamant about not going. but after reading what u say.. maybe i will. i am just not sure

and another reason is becoz I feel I am made fun of since I dont belong to their caste (behind my back:) and my husband knows nothing about all this)

but yep.. this has got me thinking. why do we complicate our lives so much?? isnt it as  simple as go or dont go?

[Prof. Akers]

Yes, of course, the famous Indian caste bit - that does add a dimention that not many of us in the West can understand. One of my friends (an English guy) married a Brahmin girl - against her family's wishes. They had to move to another town, she lost her family, her culture, her job - everything, but they are still married nearly 40 years later and she 'says' she is would not change anything, a very brave woman.
That part must be so hard for you, accept my sympathies - that's all I can offer.

[Nyteshadecreed]

Swetha,

           I don't understand about the caste system, I unfortunately don't know a lot about your culture. However, I know from personal experience being a 'outcast' in my own family that the best thing that I do, is smile and be the sweetest that I can to those who are the leaders of the lot who speak badly about me. I make a point of telling everyone how I wish that we (me and the people who like to say bad things about me) were closer to one another, and that although we are not, that they are my family and I will always love them and be there for them. I found that it makes them seem petty and cruel and that the other people in my family tend to listen to them less when they decide to be vicious. I am not certain if this would work for your situation; but it is a thought. Next, know that what they think of you, doesn't actually matter, you are a wonderful and beautiful person. I know that I see it from the loving way that you care for this site and all of us here... I can only imagine  How much more of it the people in your life see it!! I am certain that your husband saw it, and that is why he married you!! *hugz* Your a Jewel!!

Lots of Affections for you my friend,
                                                    Nyte

[swetha]

hey thanks Nyte,

I am treated very well by my husband's family. in fact like a kid and all are in awe of me (I don't know why though!) but in the past 2 years I haven't been kind to people because people in India do not understand "depression" and "bipolar syndrome" which my husband suffers from. It's the wife's duty supposedly to lie on behalf of her husband which I have refused and tell the truth. So I am not as "good" as before but even then lesser of the evils it makes me laugh. But of late I have noticed them crack jokes in their language at my expense which I do not understand. No harm done. I just refuse to be the butt of jokes:) or maybe I am taking things too much to heart! and where is my hubby all this time.. sleeping... even then I am civil and do what I can for them but they have broken the feeling that comes from heart. My husband is a darling yep but difficult when he gets into those phases.
So I hope he understands what I go through...

[Nyteshadecreed]

Swetha,

            Well you know that you always have us to turn to and talk with, no matter what... Next, you shouldn't have to be the butt of anyone's joke. Family should know about the hard times that their family goes through. You can not make them see what they refuse to. and for what it is worth, I understand why you would not keep the truth from people. A problem that isn't addressed never gets solved. I just hope that you know, how wonderful and strong you are, One of the things my mom always used to tell me when me and my sister would argue and not get along, is that the great thing about family is that you don't have to like them all the time... *smile* I don't always like my family, but I do love them, and would always be there for them no matter if I liked them at the time or not.  

You are the only one who can decide what to do about them, perhaps, you should be busy for awhile and get some space between you and them, and only socialize with them when you have to. Me and D's mom went through something recently, where she was basically trying to break us up. (after almost 8 years) I believe that she thought she was doing what was best for her son, and thought that I was lying to him about some things, and told him that there was No way that what I said was the truth. I had to prove to him that I wasn't lying about it. Which caused issues for us that he did not trust that I was truthful with him. *sighs* I stopped talking to her for a long time, and now I only go over to her house with D when I have to. She has told me that she misses me, but she still thinks that I lied about it... and that will always stand between us now.

Anyways, *hugz for you* always here for you if you need someone to talk to!

Affections,
                Nyte