An update on my plight! My condition/ability is far more complex than i thought.

[k0103707]

I'm only saying these things to get stuff of my back as i have no one to talk to. It only serves as perhaps interesting discussion really. People aren't receptive to any of this and usually laugh it away if i do say something.

I'm not looking to enlighten anyone with any of this. I imagine the vast majority of this if not all of it is already known. It just serves as a discussion topic. Crtitics usually stay critic as they are too proud.

I don't like saying these things but it is what i am seeing from the perspective i've got... I hope i see things in a more positive light. I guess i'm just looking for validation that these things are correct.

[k0103707]

I've noticed anything that festers in the mind has a massive detrimental effect on me and my situation.

That's what this condition is doing, it festers in my mind. It's as if i can't let go of it, as it's the single most important thing in my life. What's worse, is that there's stuff around me that reminds me of it constantly and i can never get away from it.

Meditating doesn't seem to work, it only works in the moment. Once i stop meditating everything goes back to how it was...

It's self destructive!

Some of the things that seem to help:
- Distracting myself (doing something i enjoy).
- Talking and having fun in general, be it with animals, people, plants or inanimate objects.
- To love. But it's pretty hard to do this when stuff i don't like is happening around me, which is what is happening at the mo, stuff i can't get away from.

[eye_of_tiger]

I'm only saying these things to get stuff of my back as i have no one to talk to.

This forum is designed for getting this stuff off your back and for being able to discuss subjects which you cannot with the people who are closer to you. I will be here to listen and I think that I know all too well what it is like to feel lonely and misunderstood by my family and friends.

It only serves as perhaps interesting discussion really.

That as well as trying to help you find better ways to deal with your negative thoughts, which are causing you so much distress.

People aren't receptive to any of this and usually laugh it away if i do say something.

I was exposed to years of this rejection and ridicule myself, but I found people on the internet who care and understand what I was talking about. Then I realized that I had to give something back in return for them doing this so I decided to become a member of Mystic Board and help people by giving readings and  being there for them when nobody else was willing to listen, and did not respect their beliefs and opinions. Which is what I am still doing as well as moderating and supporting beginner readers, over 6 years later.

I'm not looking to enlighten anyone with any of this. I imagine the vast majority of this if not all of it is already known.

The forum is like a virtual meeting place where people can get together and exchange stories about their own personal experiences, as well as recognizing that most people want basically the same things out of life - to be happy, healthy, successful, loved, valued, respected, feel that their life has a meaning and purpose beyond the were born, they lived, and then they died. Yes some of the other members may have have had similar experiences to your own, but they will never be exactly the same as yours because each of us experiences the same thing differently. Human beings are social creatures and we like to feel that we belong to the rest of the human race, even if our values and beliefs are way out of line with the general population. So we come here instead. By discussing what is happening to you you do not know how many other people you are unknowingly helping who wanted to ask or discuss the same things you are but were not confident enough to be the first person to ask or discuss these things themselves.

It just serves as a discussion topic.  

As I have already explained it just being a discussion topic is only a minute fraction of its potential to help many people from all over the world at the same time. And to be honest, it helps me to know that I am helping lots of people, which gives me so much personal and spiritual satisfaction that I simply cannot get enough of it.

Crtitics usually stay critic as they are too proud.

Pride is only one reason why critics remain critical, but the need to always be right and show other people how wrong they or their beliefs are is fairly widespread. The "mine is better, bigger or more expensive than yours is" syndrome is merely a symptom of the person's own hangups and fears, of which self pride is only one item on a very long list of human weaknesses which nobody misses out on in some ways.  We welcome constructive criticism on this forum, but destructive criticism in an attempt to make a person feel worthless, stupid or "weird" is forbidden. Criticism often tells you infinitely more about the critic him or herself, than it ever does about his or her victim.

I don't like saying these things but it is what i am seeing from the perspective i've got... I hope i see things in a more positive light. I guess i'm just looking for validation that these things are correct.

These forums are a golden opportunity to express your own ideas, opinions, or personal points of view (perspectives) in  relatively safe and supportive atmosphere. You are describing your own experiences as you perceive them to be. What else can you do? I am uncertain whether you realize just how much positive progress you have made since you started this thread. This has gone well beyond you merely validating or confirming that what you are experiencing is not something unique only to you, but you have come a long way towards better understanding what your problems are finding your own most effective methods of dealing with them.

I've noticed anything that festers in the mind has a massive detrimental effect on me and my situation.

Same here, so you are in no way alone in having to struggle with this on a daily basis without any other person who like myself has a fairly good idea as to what sort of personal hell it feels like. It is like you own mind has become like a prison cell with no doors and windows. No light ever enters into it, and there seems to be no escape. Nobody appears to care about or want to begin to understand you. Been there, done that! One complete nervous breakdown, suicidal thoughts, being prescribed tricyclic antidepressants for eight and a half years which only lead to me becoming more depressed, without any sense of hope for the future, and psychologically dependent. Which eventually destroyed my health and finished my teaching career. Want to trade places?

Meditating doesn't seem to work, it only works in the moment. Once i stop meditating everything goes back to how it was...

No method which involves you turning inwards and focusing even more on your own inner world including the more well known forms of meditation is going to be effective for a person like yourself. You need instead to find methods which work for you which allow you to regularly turn outwards towards the outer world and physical reality, but when needed allow you to think more clearly and positively. Also do not be so quick to dismiss meditation as being positively therapeutic. There are many much more active, moving forms of meditation including dancing, running, and living in the present moment which do not involve you sitting on your behind and introspecting.

Some of the things that seem to help:
- Distracting myself (doing something i enjoy).
- Talking and having fun in general, be it with animals, people, plants or inanimate objects.
- To love. But it's pretty hard to do this when stuff i don't like is happening around me, which is what is happening at the mo, stuff i can't get away from.

Now we are really getting somewhere positive. Excellent!

Find methods by trial and error which work best for you, then use them regularly to deal with your strong tendency to always want to escape back into your mental prison cell in order to feel safe. Nobody ever said that this is or would be easy. It is  challenge of huge proportions, and is always easier said than done. Your mental prison cell is safe, but there is not enough room in it for that special woman to come into your life and give you  thousand or more reasons for wanting to take it apart brick by brick, until it is only once more a safe temporary refuge for you to think, plan and dream in.

Which is what it should be.

A challenge worthy of a person of your high intelligence and strong determination to be accepted for who you really are, common human weaknesses and all.

V is for VICTORY!!!!!

EoT  

[k0103707]

I love the way you write my friend! You have accumulated a lot of wisdom over the years.

I think with this, i seem to have got to the point where i can let this stuff go and move on with my life.

A heart felt thank you!

[eye_of_tiger]

You are very welcome my friend, and thanking you in return for supporting the work which I do on this forum.

Kindest regards,

EoTb

[k0103707]

Its been a week, i thought i'd update.

IT WORKS...

The moment i let anything fester in mind it becomes a problem... but when i distract myself, enjoy my hobbies, care about others, love. IT ALL STOPS!

The answer is love!

[eye_of_tiger]

Yes love for others, as well as love for yourself.

Although I tend to disagree with the Beatles song lyric which assures us that love is all that we need, it is quite possibly the most powerful force in the Universe.

Love is a good and strong foundation on which to build anything or anyone.

Including life itself.

I could not have hoped for a better outcome for you.

Congratulations!

You have just taken a major step forwards in learning to more effectively balance your times to think and plan for the future, against your times to live more fully in the present moment.

You need to do both if you are going to make any progress in this life, but cannot do them at the same time.

Brilliant news; this!

EoT