> You Know You're a Witch When...
>
> 1. Your BOSS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
> 2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No,
> not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
> 3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
> 4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards
> than there are cereal boxes.
> 5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
> 6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with
> Samantha's mother Endora.
> 7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their
> problems.
> 8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the
> grocery store (well, I thought about it).
> 9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
> 10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
Witchy Humour
Moderators: eye_of_tiger, shalimar123
Witchy Humour
May ALLAH bless u all.
Azhar Majid Sheikh
Azhar Majid Sheikh
-
m00nshadow
- Posts: 124
- Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:34 am
Re: Witchy Humour
Azhar wrote:> You Know You're a Witch When...
>
> 1. Your BOSS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
> 2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No,
> not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
> 3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
> 4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards
> than there are cereal boxes.
> 5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
> 6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with
> Samantha's mother Endora.
> 7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their
> problems.
> 8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the
> grocery store (well, I thought about it).
> 9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
> 10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
I love it.... SO true.
"Merry Meet"
A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to Pagan parents:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, but although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
- by Ld Obyron Irondrake, 8/18/99
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, but although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
- by Ld Obyron Irondrake, 8/18/99
The Chocolate Ritual
Copyright 1993, John Shepard, Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993
MATERIALS:
On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one -as the athame;)
a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice;) A small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon;
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me,
And as I will So Mote It BE!
Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
And make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll):
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert.
Be present, we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all moochers
Approaching from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten One!
Great prince of the palace of decadence.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all diets
Approaching from the south.
Cocoa of the west, Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all carob
Approaching from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all cheap imitations
Approaching from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called;
Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it
be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all
Goodies.
In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and
are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly
free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch,
nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence. For mine is
the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine also is Joy on
Earth, yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in
your hand."
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you or turn
you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the
taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your hips.
I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death........well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.
I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of
whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer
stores everywhere:
HPS: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of
big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to
arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.....and
again..........and again..................and again
Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of
yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and
mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter
and chocolate covered cherries all within you.
And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We will sell no chocolate until
you pay for it."
For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that
which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed Be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other
names.
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of
chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am the
warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that
leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.
I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw
strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter
of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I
instill in you my power; the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with
which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly
swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you:
Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in
that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is
called "Baking Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.
Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.
I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I
will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am
the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite
enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.
CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO:
(The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP: For both are better than the falsely named 'white chocolate,'
HPS: And neither one is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake,
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar.
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no
greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(The blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen,
HPS: And the filling is neat.
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
Feasting and drinking (chocolate liquer, if possible,) music and dance.
Dismiss Quarters.
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the ______,
We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle
And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."
ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."
(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at
the East.)
Close circle.
----------------------------------------------------------
copyright 1993, John L. Shepard.
Permission is given to post anywhere as long as the content is not altered and this notice is attached.
Copyright 1993, John Shepard, Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993
MATERIALS:
On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one -as the athame;)
a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice;) A small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon;
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me,
And as I will So Mote It BE!
Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
And make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll):
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert.
Be present, we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all moochers
Approaching from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten One!
Great prince of the palace of decadence.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all diets
Approaching from the south.
Cocoa of the west, Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all carob
Approaching from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all cheap imitations
Approaching from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called;
Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it
be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all
Goodies.
In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and
are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly
free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch,
nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence. For mine is
the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine also is Joy on
Earth, yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in
your hand."
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you or turn
you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the
taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your hips.
I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death........well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.
I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of
whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer
stores everywhere:
HPS: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of
big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to
arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.....and
again..........and again..................and again
Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of
yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and
mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter
and chocolate covered cherries all within you.
And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We will sell no chocolate until
you pay for it."
For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that
which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed Be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other
names.
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of
chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am the
warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that
leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.
I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw
strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter
of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I
instill in you my power; the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with
which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly
swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you:
Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in
that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is
called "Baking Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.
Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.
I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I
will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am
the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite
enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.
CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO:
(The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP: For both are better than the falsely named 'white chocolate,'
HPS: And neither one is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake,
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar.
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no
greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(The blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen,
HPS: And the filling is neat.
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
Feasting and drinking (chocolate liquer, if possible,) music and dance.
Dismiss Quarters.
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the ______,
We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle
And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."
ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."
(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at
the East.)
Close circle.
----------------------------------------------------------
copyright 1993, John L. Shepard.
Permission is given to post anywhere as long as the content is not altered and this notice is attached.
-
tourbi
- Posts: 2638
- Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:36 am
- Location: tourbiland, at the foot of Pikes Peak, USA
Ahhhh, the chocolat ritual. There are actually several. This one is done often at the festival near us. John is a nice man.
Glad you posted his.
Glad you posted his.
Stand in Love,Walk in Love, Live in Love ड़ारा
Nora Roberts
Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.
Nora Roberts
Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.
I cannot stop laughing. Thanks for sharing.curiosity killed the cat
I so wish I could put in pics, however try the link
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/07/0 ... d-the-cat/
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/07/0 ... d-the-cat/
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W"
When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
What do witches use on their hair?
Scare spray
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
No. They go away for a spell
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W"
When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
What do witches use on their hair?
Scare spray
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
Witch / Pagan Bumper Stickers
Pagan / Witch Bumper stickers
Born Again Pagan
Born Okay the First Time
I think we met in a past life, and I was a witch then, too.
Something Wiccan this way comes...
Happy Heathen
Want a taste of religion? Lick a witch.
Tree hugging dirt worshipper
Don't make me get voodoo on your @ss!
Dragon parking only. All others will be toad.
I believe in fairies, dragons, good men and other mythological creatures.
Caution! Invisible dragon in back seat.
Things haven't been the same, since that house fell on my sister
Pagan and Proud
My other car is broom
God is coming and boy is She pissed....
My Goddess gave birth to your God
Don't make me get my flying monkeys
I brake for fairies, gnomes and butterflies
Get a past life too
Born Again Pagan
Born Okay the First Time
I think we met in a past life, and I was a witch then, too.
Something Wiccan this way comes...
Happy Heathen
Want a taste of religion? Lick a witch.
Tree hugging dirt worshipper
Don't make me get voodoo on your @ss!
Dragon parking only. All others will be toad.
I believe in fairies, dragons, good men and other mythological creatures.
Caution! Invisible dragon in back seat.
Things haven't been the same, since that house fell on my sister
Pagan and Proud
My other car is broom
God is coming and boy is She pissed....
My Goddess gave birth to your God
Don't make me get my flying monkeys
I brake for fairies, gnomes and butterflies
Get a past life too
You might be a Techno Pagan if:
You call your corners on a cellular phone.
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
You use a remote control in place of an athame.
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room.
Your familiar is a mouse.
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
Your athame has a SCSI interface
Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
Your altar has a keyboard.
Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
Your candles have batteries.
Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)
Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
Your incense is by Glade.
Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
You do cord magick with ethernet.
You ritually down your server for Samhain.
When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
Your tarot cards multi-task.
Your daemons collect news for you.
Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
Your favorite deity has a homepage.
The address of your covenstead begins with
Your circle is a token ring
You call your corners on a cellular phone.
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
You use a remote control in place of an athame.
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room.
Your familiar is a mouse.
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
Your athame has a SCSI interface
Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
Your altar has a keyboard.
Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
Your candles have batteries.
Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)
Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
Your incense is by Glade.
Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
You do cord magick with ethernet.
You ritually down your server for Samhain.
When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
Your tarot cards multi-task.
Your daemons collect news for you.
Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
Your favorite deity has a homepage.
The address of your covenstead begins with
Your circle is a token ring
Entertaining a Witch
ENTERTAINING WITCHES
A hostess's guide to the appropriate was of entertaining witches.
ENTERTAINING THE CEREMONIAL WITCH
Do make sure you have some place store her sword. A wall mounted rack is fine provided it is firmly secured. Set the table carefully, with reference to a table of correspondences. Placement is paramount to this witch. Allow her to say the blessing, you will never remember all those names of God and, if possible, have the table placed inside a permanent pentagram. This witch has some very odd aquaintances in the netherworld who are best not encountered while eating.
ENTERTAINING THE SATANIC WITCH
Table decoration is vital. Use blacks in general with hints of deep red and purple. An inverted crucifix is always a welcome centrepiece and place cards can be decorated with pentagrams drawn in blood. Curse God roundly before starting and serve red hot highly spiced foods to make her feel at home. Do make sure you have a living goat and a sharp knife available to your witch so that she can complete her religious obligations after the meal.
ENTERTAINING THE SOLITARY WITCH
Set a small table in a place where she will not be disturbed. Do not set the table nor offer a particular menu, instead, make a number of different dishes and allow her choose between them. She will choose tools and food stuff to suit her as this witch is nothing if not an individualist.
ENTERTAINING THE GREEN WITCH
If you have a wooden table make sure that it was properly 'gifted' from the source tree. Do not lay place settings as this witch is not particularly into tools. Finger foods are ideal as is a fondeau where she can simply dip in and take what she wants. Decorate the table with fresh flowers and natural objects and allow her to bring her own herbs and add these to dishes. She probably knows a lot more about herbs than you do.
ENTERTAINING THE ECLECTIC WITCH
Use different ethnic objects from a variety of different cultures and do not be frightened to experiment with food. An Indian curry with Italian pasta and Mexican chillies could certainly work, so never be scared to improvise. Decorations can include Native American dream catcher, African eath goddesses and Tibetan singing bowls.
ENTERTAINING THE WICCAN
Try and keep everything circular and balanced. You will need to provide her with two knives, a black-handled one which is just for the eating ceremony and a white handled one to cut with. Do call the quarters before eating and don't worry at all if you find her dipping her black handled knife into the wine goblet. However, if she insists on coming skyclad it might be best to avoid the soup course.
A hostess's guide to the appropriate was of entertaining witches.
ENTERTAINING THE CEREMONIAL WITCH
Do make sure you have some place store her sword. A wall mounted rack is fine provided it is firmly secured. Set the table carefully, with reference to a table of correspondences. Placement is paramount to this witch. Allow her to say the blessing, you will never remember all those names of God and, if possible, have the table placed inside a permanent pentagram. This witch has some very odd aquaintances in the netherworld who are best not encountered while eating.
ENTERTAINING THE SATANIC WITCH
Table decoration is vital. Use blacks in general with hints of deep red and purple. An inverted crucifix is always a welcome centrepiece and place cards can be decorated with pentagrams drawn in blood. Curse God roundly before starting and serve red hot highly spiced foods to make her feel at home. Do make sure you have a living goat and a sharp knife available to your witch so that she can complete her religious obligations after the meal.
ENTERTAINING THE SOLITARY WITCH
Set a small table in a place where she will not be disturbed. Do not set the table nor offer a particular menu, instead, make a number of different dishes and allow her choose between them. She will choose tools and food stuff to suit her as this witch is nothing if not an individualist.
ENTERTAINING THE GREEN WITCH
If you have a wooden table make sure that it was properly 'gifted' from the source tree. Do not lay place settings as this witch is not particularly into tools. Finger foods are ideal as is a fondeau where she can simply dip in and take what she wants. Decorate the table with fresh flowers and natural objects and allow her to bring her own herbs and add these to dishes. She probably knows a lot more about herbs than you do.
ENTERTAINING THE ECLECTIC WITCH
Use different ethnic objects from a variety of different cultures and do not be frightened to experiment with food. An Indian curry with Italian pasta and Mexican chillies could certainly work, so never be scared to improvise. Decorations can include Native American dream catcher, African eath goddesses and Tibetan singing bowls.
ENTERTAINING THE WICCAN
Try and keep everything circular and balanced. You will need to provide her with two knives, a black-handled one which is just for the eating ceremony and a white handled one to cut with. Do call the quarters before eating and don't worry at all if you find her dipping her black handled knife into the wine goblet. However, if she insists on coming skyclad it might be best to avoid the soup course.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD SHAMAN
By Stormseer
10. Your drum and chant ends with "Hey! Macarena!"
9. You find your animal totem in the other world, and it pees on your leg
8. Your psychic visions are interrupted by commercials
7. You're making a medicine wheel when someone comes up and starts yelling, "That's my steering wheel!"
6. Bored with the sweat lodge, you ask the guy beside you to pull your finger
5. You're asked to put out the sacred fire in your apartment.
4. You put on the wolf skin and begin chanting, and then you hear a growling sound in your ear
3. You're spirit guide did ten years in the state penitentiary, wants to know where the action is.
2. You believe you're taking a mind-altering substance, then your wife asks where her birth control pills are
...AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD SHAMAN
1. You thought Soul Retrieval was a James Brown song
By Stormseer
10. Your drum and chant ends with "Hey! Macarena!"
9. You find your animal totem in the other world, and it pees on your leg
8. Your psychic visions are interrupted by commercials
7. You're making a medicine wheel when someone comes up and starts yelling, "That's my steering wheel!"
6. Bored with the sweat lodge, you ask the guy beside you to pull your finger
5. You're asked to put out the sacred fire in your apartment.
4. You put on the wolf skin and begin chanting, and then you hear a growling sound in your ear
3. You're spirit guide did ten years in the state penitentiary, wants to know where the action is.
2. You believe you're taking a mind-altering substance, then your wife asks where her birth control pills are
...AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD SHAMAN
1. You thought Soul Retrieval was a James Brown song
THE DEGREES OF WITCHCRAFT by: unknown
High Priest:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and dictates policy to the Goddess.
3rd Degree Initiate:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more poweful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water...if the sea is calm and talks to the Goddess.
2nd Degree Initiate:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is faster than a BB, more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming pool and talks to the Goddess...if a special request is approved.
1st Degree Initiate:
Clears a small hut, loses the race with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by the Goddess.
Neophyte:
Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets self with a water pistol, can do the doggy paddle and mostly mumbles to animals.
High Priestess:
Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in her teeth and freezes water with a single glance. SHE *IS* THE GODDESS.
High Priest:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and dictates policy to the Goddess.
3rd Degree Initiate:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more poweful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water...if the sea is calm and talks to the Goddess.
2nd Degree Initiate:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is faster than a BB, more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming pool and talks to the Goddess...if a special request is approved.
1st Degree Initiate:
Clears a small hut, loses the race with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by the Goddess.
Neophyte:
Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets self with a water pistol, can do the doggy paddle and mostly mumbles to animals.
High Priestess:
Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in her teeth and freezes water with a single glance. SHE *IS* THE GODDESS.
-
ravenuriel
- Posts: 155
- Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2009 8:49 pm
- Location: USA
OMG those are precious!!!!!!!
but .. what about the redneck pagan?
you know your a redneck pagan if your
wand is on a chain.
your drumming circle consists of your drinking buddies and blue barrels
your cauldron is also something you spit in
your atheme doubles as a hunting tool
you fish with your staff
you see an 8 point rack over your altar
your closing ceremony statement is.. Get r done.
but .. what about the redneck pagan?
you know your a redneck pagan if your
wand is on a chain.
your drumming circle consists of your drinking buddies and blue barrels
your cauldron is also something you spit in
your atheme doubles as a hunting tool
you fish with your staff
you see an 8 point rack over your altar
your closing ceremony statement is.. Get r done.
The lips of wisdom are closed, except to the ears of Understanding.~ The Kybalion~
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests