Developing love of God with Mantra, Bhakti and Mystic Yoga

[erik]

Hello,

since 2006 I am trying to develop love of God, it is a very difficult process for me but I will write down a few realisations I had concerning this in the last years.

The first experience I had was in Radhadesh, that is an ashram, a castle in the Belgian Ardennes, it´s owned by the Hare Krishna movement and I was one day attending the morning program, which I already did for a few months, it was the summer of 2007 and we were doing the Guru Puja, we were singing a very enchanting song in the temple for Srila Prabhupada, the founder of the Hare Krishna movement in the West.

And in those days this happened a few times to me during singing that song:

¨The hairs on my right arm were standing on end, my voice choked because of emotion so I couldn´t sing the song properly and tears were flowing from my eyes.¨

Later I found out that these were considered ecstatic symptoms of love of God, too bad I left Radhadesh with a psychosis in October 2007 and I never experienced that feeling again.

Because of that psychosis I stayed in my room in Rotterdam for two and a half months and was punished severely by strong voices who had a lot of power over me, they made me do things, like fasting for 3 days from food and water, walking up and down the room for hours and hours, and many more things, they really had me a a firm grip. But when I took a shower on December 24th 2007, I heard voices saying:

¨Chant Hare Krishna for 32 rounds and you will attain Madurya Rasa!¨

Madurya Rasa is the higest attainable in the Hare Krishna movement, it is getting love for Krishna in the mood of Radha, at that time I didn´t understand anything about this, but I learned in Radhadesh that it was the highest attainable, so i went for it. And I learned in Radhadesh that , what I thought was my soulmate, Diane, that i needed to attain Madurya Rasa to become her father, and I was really in love with her, although she died at the end of May or at the beginning of june 2007 which made me very sad, terribly sad, but she would reincarnate again as my child and now she wouldn´t have to fear me anymore, because in a past life she was also my daughter and I sexually abused her. And in Madurya Rasa, there is no sex desire, so she would be safe. Somewhat later, still in the shower, it was not very clear if I had to chant 32 or 64 rounds, but i didn´t care, I was confident that I could do this.

In that time I had learned to chant loud, while in india i had learned to chant in the mind, nowadays I chant in the mind again, but okay, i finished my shower and sat down in my bedroom and began to chant, i had no problems and was excited to attain the highest form of love of God. But a few weeks before that I began to smoke a cigarette sometimes, not much, one cigarette every few days, and suddenly, while I was in the 14th round of chanting Hare Krishna, being very happy, i got this irresistable craving, an enormous desire to smoke a cigarette, I really couldn´t resist the impulse, it was that strong and then i thought:

¨^%(* it, i will stop and Diane will not be my daughter, it´s okay, I am going to smoke a cigarette.¨

So I smoked that cigarette and knew I failed the quest.It also ended the voices that I had and the next day I celebrated Christmas with my family, the dark forces had no control over me anymore.

Then, next experience, I was attending the Ratha Yatra festival in Rotterdam in, I guess the summer of 2008. During the walk with the devotees and the Deities of Lord Jaganath, Subradha and Baladev I suddenly got this feeling for a few moments:

¨I got a strong wave of pure love over me, I experienced unity and connectedness with all people of this planet, no matter what color of skin, race, nationality and religion, i felt amazed and enjoyed every second of that feeling. I was in great joy.¨

Then the next experience was in April 2012, I went to Radhadesh for a few weeks and rented a small trailer in which I slept and played guitar during that time. One day i got a few fantasies, but very strong ones:

¨i suddenly was very ecstatic, joyful and very happy, my entire beiing was submerged in this feeling, I ran to a few devotees, one was Bhakta Adam with I participated with in the Atma Yoga Teachers Training Course in January/February 2007. I threw the male devotees to the ground and I began to kiss their cheeks in great joy and deep affection, this fantasy gave me goosebumbs and lasted for some time.¨

I realised later that this was also a symptom of love of God.

And the last experience, I went to Weris in the summer of 2012 after i got a few inner visions in Rotterdam about a ¨girly castle¨, a womens castle with a fence, but it was easy for me to break through that fence and get the love of God, the ¨girly castle¨ was in Weris. So I decided to camp the entire summer in the forest of Weris until I found love of God. Well, camping, I only took a yoga mat to sleep on, a sleeping bag, some clothes and a few packages of muesli with a bowl and a couple bottles of water to wash myself with and to eat the muesli with, further I had a small spade with me to dig a hole in the ground whenever I had to evacuate my bowels. I would use the water to clean myself with after that. The first day i found a good spot near the meditation stone in the forest and began to do mystic pranayama on that stone for 30 minutes, when I finshed the session, I walked to my camping spot and felt my chest, i felt like I had female breasts and it was a wonderful feeling, i was wondering if i would have broken through the fence of the ¨girly castle¨ already!

And don´t get me wrong, I am not gay, I am a man and experienced the whole thing thinking as a man, I wasn´t suddenly attracted to men, it was just a feeling I never had before. But I was after Divine love so I took it as a sign.

I went back to my camping spot and waited for the night to begin, so I could get some sleep. And when it became night, it began to storm, severely, and there was thunder and lightning, and it began to rain! I thought that my clothes would become wet and I undressed myself, put the clothes in my bag and put that under the stone, the stone i was sleeping next to. I only kept my boxershorts on and spent the night this way, rain was falling down on me but I didn´t care, I enjoyed the entire experience.

The next day I woke up with a dream that I would go back to Rotterdam, I didn´t understand this dream since I was promised by the inner visions of the ¨girly castle¨ that I would easily get entrance into that castle, so I went to the meditation stone and sat down to do my mystic pranayama again, but suddenly I heard a voice in my mind chanting: ¨Om Narayan Namaha¨ a few times, I didn´t understand, was puzzled and began to do the mystic pranayama which gave me such a good experience the other day. But one way or another I broke down after a few minutes, I had the feeling I had failed, i thought that I had to chant the mantra i heard a few moments before, I got angry because of the failure and got my stuff together and went away, back to Rotterdam.

Later I thought that no matter what I would have done, chanting the mantra or do the mystic pranayama, it was destined to be a faiiure, the dream was foretelling this.

But when I came back to Rotterdam I couldn´t stand that the whole adventure had ended in a failure, it stayed in my mind and, as I am, I decided to go back to try again, so one week later I went back to Weris with the intention again to stay there just as long as needed until I found love of God.

And after the first day, I can´t remember how my meditation was, but the next day, I washed myself in the forest with a bottle of water, I had to do this the primitive way, and I noticed some black spot on my genitals, when i looked closer I saw that it was a tick and that I had a tick bite over there! I freaked out because now I realised I had to go back to Rotterdam to get the tick removed. I went back, called my doctor and she sent me to a hospital, Maasland Ziekenhuis, where there was a doctor who removed the tick, it took a while before he had the tick out of my genitals.

But it was a failure again!

Anyway, now I am after love of God again, I meditate since April 25th 2023 a few hours a day, and sometimes I chant Hare Krishna. But I heard in my mind, many times since that day: ¨It is a contest¨

And it is, it is very difficult for me to develop love of God, I know because of the first three experiences I will stay a man, I will be still attracted to women, even if the fourth experience gave me the feeling of having women´s boobies. I am still thinking as a man and I never want to become a girl.

Wish me luck on my journey!

Cheers!

[erik]

It´s Valentine´s Day today, I am hoping for a good session of meditation, because many times I get special mercy on these kind of days, like last year on the second Christmas day, December 26th 2023, I was drinking beer since my brother passed away and got addicted to it, but on that day, second Christmas day, I decided to drink a few beers in the evening only to find out that I was disgusted with the taste of beer, it really tasted like the first beer I took in 1983, disgusting and from that day I didn´t drink anymore, I don´t even have cravings for beer anymore.

I hope I get a present like that today during meditation, you´ll never know!

Have a nice day!

[erik]

I was given a present!! Thank you whoever is responsible for that!

I went into meditation at 18.34 and had a good and deep session and this just happened to me:

¨Suddenly I saw a girl, a young woman having the age of 25 or something, she appeared before my third eye and I strongly felt she was part of me and wanted to be seperated from me, not like in a divorce, but she wanted to split herself apart from me, like she wanted to divide herself from me in order to enjoy life together, she was stuck in me and wanted to get out! She was very beautiful and when she moved her body. i felt like i was moving my body in the same way! It felt like I was her, I don´t know to exactly describe all of this. At least this, I could understand the way she moved.

But she dissapeared after a few moments and then I saw another vison, I saw a girl with white skin lying on a stone, she got up, had long black hair and she had some bloodstains all over her face, but especially around her mouth, she looked at me, opened up her mouth and blood came out, she had a strange evil, but very attractive face, she stood up from the stone bench and kept looking at me, like she didn´t like what just happened, then the vision dissapeared.¨

Could the girl from the first vision be my soulmate? And who was the other girl?

I remember that I did intense mystic yoga and the chanting of Om Sri Morrigan Namaha from November 2011 until February 2012, I was always high when I practised this, I smoked pure weed, so without tobacco to get inner visions and information through the medium of voices.

One day during a session, I saw the following vision:

¨I saw a girl lying on the floor, she had a white skin and long blue hair, she was lying on the ground with her back towards me. I directly remembered this scene, I had seen this before, I had experienced this before! It made me very happy.¨

Could this be the same girl as the girl with the blood on her face? I am thinking back now to the experience I had in the same period of time and which I wrote about here on the forum Occukt and Magick, the post is called ¨Om Sri Morrigan Namaha¨ and in that post I write about a realisation I had on soul level with a girl.

Could it be that it was Morrigan?

Questions again, but this gives me the strenght to keep on marching boldly on the spiritual path.

Good night!

[erik]

One thing I forgot to write down is that when I got the inner visions of the ¨girly castle¨ in Rotterdam in 2012, and could easly break through the fence of that castle, the guy who did that in the inner visions was me, but I was symbolized by Hellboy, the movie character .

I just remembered this when I read the post.

Good night!