jokes for the day.

[prasanna]

Jokes

Ponder These

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.



10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.



Show and Tell

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."



Resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

-- "I am a rabid typist."

-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."

-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"