Jokes for the day.

[prasanna]

Jokes

Doctor Visit

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."



Actual Ads

Supposedly, these classified ads appeared in the New York Times:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER BE A REWARD.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

(AND THE BEST ONE) . .

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.



The Workout

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.

Bend over backwards
Jump on the band wagon
Run around in circles.

Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge.

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

Rest At Last.


Deja Vu

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions.

Feel like I've...

...milked this cow before: deja moo

...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu

...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew

...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo

...scared this person away before: deja boo

...read this mystery book before: deja clue

...been in this courtroom before: deja sue

...felt this bad before: deja rue

...felt this sad before: deja blue

...expanded this way before: deja grew

...seen this slime before: deja goo

...learned this stuff before: deja knew

...waited in line before: deja queue

...eaten this dinner before: deja stew

...pursued this person before: deja woo

...forgotten this your name before: deja who

...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too

...seen these twins before: deja two

...used this beer recipe before: deja brew

...been on this airplane before: deja flew

...came up with this innovation before: deja new

...fed these pigeons before: deja coo

...sketched this portrait before: deja drew

...ended this relationship before: deja through

...felt this ill before: deja flu

...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe

...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew

...sat through this sermon before: deja pew

...played in this wet grass before: deja dew

...admired this scenery before: deja ooo

...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo

...exposed the real facts before: deja true