I have been hanging on to what this relationship COULD be

[Lady Di]

Well I think I have to come to the realization that what I hope to happen will not come to be.

I think I have given every effort to refuel our relationship. We have gone to 3 sessions of Marriage Counceling and I feel like he is just showing up.  I mean he shows up and has been opening up, but when asked to make a list of what you (we) want our relationship to be like he didn't do it.  Then he was asked to plan a special date and he hasn't done it.  I think he just wants me to tell him to leave, because he only seems to get worse. I think he is so miserable and negative that it is hard for us as a couple and as a family (2 young children) to ever more forward.

I think it is time for this to come to an end.  I have written out a budget and I think I can make it on my own and keep our home....if a court allows it.

Can someone please give me a reading on my situation.  I think I have just been sitting stagnit due to a fear of what will be.  But I know I can no longer live my life like this.  He is being childish, immature and very selfish.  I don't want to be his mother. I want to be his wife and wanted him to act like my husband a mature sensable man.

Thank you,
Lady Di

[eye_of_tiger]

Dear Lady Di,  :smt009

Your posting has left me feeling so saddened (this is not your fault as I take 100% responsibility for the way which I feel) but in such complete agreement with everything which you have said, that I feel unable to give you an objective and effective reading at this particular moment.

Please however leave this request with me until I can manage to get both my head and heart more fully around it, and hopefully offer you some comfort and further practical advice with regards as to what else would be best for you to do from now on about this upsetting problem through a reading.

You have given 150% of what could reasonably be expected of a person in your situation, and anyone who suggests that you have not given so much of yourself to healing your marriage, with due respect needs to live for 24 hours in your shoes in order to experience something of what it is like to be in a relationship which is rapidly going down the toilet (please pardon my English).

Do not listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, and I will get back with a reading once I have calmed down enough from empathizing with you to the point that I can once more look at this set of factors objectively, and not be as I am now buried by my own emotions about what my friend is having to endure with such love and courage for her two young children.

Keep your faith and know that you will always have my complete admiration, respect and support in your ongoing efforts to keep your family together.

Determining that you could manage independently in a financial sense if worse comes to worse removes a major barrier to your chances of being able to move forwards again, either with or without your children's father.

Love and Light,

EoT

[eye_of_tiger]

Hello again Di,

If doing all that you have tried your best to do with the sole purpose to salvage your marriage is an accurate definition of someone being stagnant and paralyzed by her fears, then I would gladly eat my hat if I actually wore one.

Is there such a descriptive word in the English dictionary as anti stagnant?

If there is, you are it!

If there is not already such an entry, they should put it in there especially to be applied to you. IMO

My earlier statement that I felt that your relationship is rapidly going down the toilet has been returning to haunt me, and I was ready to edit it out so that it did not unintentionally upset you any more than you probably already are.

But I suddenly realized that by doing this I would at the same time be distorting or withholding the truth as I honestly see it to be. And be disrespecting your own feelings and opinions as well. I felt that because we have developed such a close, positive working relationship with each other since I began giving you readings where we can both feel free to be completely honest about what we need to say, that you would then take my comment in the same true spirit of love and caring and friendship with which it was given.

I felt that I was only confirming what you already knew all too well. That your options to keep the marriage going are rapidly disappearing, through little or no fault of your own.

You done everything you possibly can to give your husband the opportunity to sort out your marital difficulties, but you can only lead a horse to water. You cannot make the horse drink it. You can only go so far in helping another person, but if they are not willing to at least meet you half way or admit that their non co-operation is a big part of the problem, then even a saint has his or her limit, beyond which they could easily lose themselves. Neither of us are in any imminent danger of becoming a saint, so perhaps we should lighten up on ourselves for a change, and not be so self critical.

I strongly dislike and resist having to advise anyone through a reading to walk away from a relationship (a marriage or other), particularly if young children would be affected, or the woman's life or safety would be placed in danger by her accepting the advice. My inner teacher is all for trying every possible option before considering a retreat and a divorce, but in your situation I feel that all the required conditions are already in place for you to call it a day with him.

As I observed before, the fact that you have worked out that you could probably survive financially without him is a big plus in this equation, and as I sense that you have a place to take the three of you to which would guarantee your safety, then I feel far less hesitant in suggesting that it is time for you to put you nd your kid's futures first.

There is I feel still a very remote chance that he will suddenly recognize what he stands to lose before it is too late, but just do not count on it. Why you should be fearing that the court will rule against you, I really cannot say from my end. I was wondering whether you and your spouse were one of the ever increasing numbers of couples who can only live in relative peace and harmony under separate roofs, but my inner voice dismissed or rejected that option early in your reading.

I am afraid that the only comfort which I feel that can offer you based upon this reading is particularly cold. You must take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything possible with the intention to heal the huge rift which has developed between you, but all your best attempts to restore some sense of permanency and long term security to the marriage are being continually thwarted or short circuited by what amounts to stubbornness, false pride and an unwillingness by him to accept the responsibilities consistent with his age and him being a husband and father and potential role model for your children's own future attitudes towards marriage and the responsibilities associated with it. There are already too many victims of victims in this world?

I never like breaking up marriages or families, but I must say that I feel your husband is already doing that job particularly well, without my outside assistance being necessary. Something that you may not have considered depends heavily on you providing the court with solid evidence that you have contributed more than half your share of the money which was used to buy or rent your family home.

If you can do this, and unless his lawyer tries to prove that you are not capable for some reason of bringing up your children or are not of good character it might be he that has to move out, and not the three of you. But theorizing about or predicting which way the law will be applied in your situation is both unwise and in many ways illegal for this reader to attempt, so I will not pursue this course of action to protect myself and my family from legal prosecution by influencing the course of justice and fairness to all parties concerned.

A few crumbs of comfort have been offered to you during this reading, but they are just that - crumbs which have fallen a long distance from where the main feast is being held. If you do ultimately decide to follow this advice, then if you can afford it get as good a legal eagle to represent you as is readily available. Things could suddenly get nasty or even nastier between you when he becomes aware that you have had more than enough of his immature and disrespectful behaviour, so ensure that your kids are well out of the way in the care of someone you can trust implicitly not to reveal their or your location to your husband, before you bail out (if he does not leave first).

Sorry to sound so pessimistic about this, but I also have to be realistic, practical and stay true to whatever messages and impressions I am receiving on your behalf. If my inner source begins to believe that I cannot trust it to know when the time is right to either say something or nothing to you, then I would be effectively finished as a reader on this site.

May your God be with the three of you always to offer you and your children added strength and comfort to keep going, when a lesser person than yourself might have easily given up long before now.

EoT

[Lady Di]

Thank you Eye of Tiger, it is very comforting to have someone that truly understands what I am going through.

I respect your concern, but you and I both know that my journey is my own and there is no one in the world that can advise one on a particular situation or compare to there own experience since their journey is theirs and no two situation can ever be said to be the same journey.  But with that said, to know that one with much wisdom and insight is there for you is a gift and very much cherished and respected.

I have been hanging on way too long and we have been going to counciling for a few months and I cannot truly answer why I am hanging on to such a miserable situation.  The first thought that comes to mind is Sympathy for him to have to move out and leave his family and be on his own.  But after his continuing to imaturely and selfish behavior I decided to tell him that "I decided it was best for him to Move Out".  We have been back and forth over this and it was last left in his court and he said he had not decided.  So We have remained in LIMBO for far too long so I made the decision.  Which really felt empowering, instead on waiting on him to decide.  Don't get me wrong I am very saddened that things cannot be worked out.  BUT, that would mean he would actually have to make an effort.  I look forward to him moving out and getting my life back to normal.  He had asked for a couple of weeks since he is waiting on a start date for new job.  However, over the last couple of days I think I changed my mind.  In the past when we have talked about him moving out he will say :Don't call me to fix anything or whos going to mow the yard and maintain the pool.  Of course I tell him that we need him for more than just that!  So anyway,  Yesterday I had learned that the swimming pool needs a new pump ($300) and with the holiday weekend anticapating a lot of swimming with the Kids, I asked him to check the chemicals in the pool before he left on a Weekend hunting trip "with the Boys".  This ended up exploding up into a big argument and the point of telling you all of this is that he was trying to teach me a lesson that If I had been checking or maintaining the pool I would know these things.  This really angered me, especially since he is still in the home and he should have some sort of responsibility to these things.  So when I say I changed my mind...I told him when he returns from hunting I want him to move immediately.  He has know for awhile about the pump and instead he chose to spend "His" money on this hunting trip.  Now last minute I had to buy it and I called a company and they have already installed it and they also offer a class to teach me about the pool.  So I will survive as I always have.

Do you recall saying that you see him just sitting with his head in his hands and that you did not think it was anything to do with us (or family)?  Can you please pull a card and ask if he has a relationship or affair going on.  It is my only answer for him not Truly Trying to rekindle our relationship that we were suppose to set out together to do way back in November.   I have checked our cell phone bill and he calls his 2 guy friends from work a lot and they have drinks a few times a week and they go on weekend hunting and fishing trips.  However, What I think is very stange is that one guy he calls (not every day) but a few days a week.  He calls right when he leave home for work and right when he breaks for lunch and right when he leave work for the day.  (6:30AM and 11:03PM and 4:03PM) Of course it is not the exact time but that is the pattern I see.  Not sure if it is in coming or out going.  Now, no woman ever wants to think her husband is having an affair........but the worst would be with a man.  So I really want to know what you see in this situation.  Not that this will change my decission.  But it is one of those things that the wife is always the last to know and should be the first to know.

Oh and about the house.  I think most courts would require one spouse paying the other for their half or possiblly selling the home to pay the other person.  In this case I want to remain in the home but a court might think I should pay him for his half of ownership.

Thank you so much

Blessings and love

Lady Di

[eye_of_tiger]

Can you please pull a card and ask if he has a relationship or affair going on.

Unfortunately, the answer to that question must be a definite NO.

In order to do what you are requesting even though I completely understand your reasons for wanting me to psychically eavesdrop on him with the intention to determine whether he is being unfaithful to you , this would require me to give you a third party reading, which is not permitted according to the forum rules.

12. Please do not ask for readings for others or third party readings as this is strictly against Mystic Board’s policies. Instead ask the person to join Mystic Board themselves, once they have contributed to the community by posting and introducing themselves they are much more likely to receive a successful reading in return.

However this having been said it is possible to instead of me reading him directly through the third party method read his thoughts and intentions towards him remaining faithful to his marriage vows of fidelity, indirectly through his relationship with the person who is actually asking for this reading.

I must in addition warn you that any insights gained using this indirect route tend on average to be far less accurate and significantly more unreliable when compared to if I were able to read him third party. False positives and false negatives are I am afraid very common when doing this, and one of the possibilities which I want to avoid ahead of all others is for you to be unintentionally given faulty advice with the best of intentions which could make you look foolish and open to legal prosecution when you discover too late that he is not guilty of what you are accusing him of.

My feelings are that understandably your mind is grasping at straws to be able to logically explain why he is resisting any of your attempts to resolve your marriage difficulties when it is felt that nothing about his behaviour has anything to do with logic. I also believe that most of his resistance is coming from his unconscious mind and not his daily conscious, and that he may therefore not be lying when he says that he does not completely understand why he is acting in this seemingly insensitive manner towards the woman whom he claims to love more than life itself.

And on top of this is the distinct possibility that he could be using his own insecurities and fears as an excuse to keep resisting your efforts. None of which makes any sense at all if you only only look at it from a logical viewpoint. Most of this has much more to do with emotions and feelings than it has to do with logic and reason.

So in summary I am unable to tell you either one way or the other whether or not your husband is having an extramarital affair with any degree of certainty which could be seen as being valid evidence of his sexual infidelity or proof of his innocence, if indeed he has really been unfaithful to you other than in his dreams or unconscious fantasies. Few of us have any amount of control over the contents of our unconscious minds. We are only accountable or held responsible for what we consciously do and decide to do (thank God for that).

I do feel based upon this reading that most if not all of his resistance to the counselling comes from somewhere in his unconscious mind, although  am not completely ruling out the possibility that a small part of it may be conscious and intended to excuse his insensitive and uncharacteristic behaviour in your eyes. In other words to some yet unknown degree or extent he could be intentionally playing on your sympathies by acting as if none of his negative behaviour is his fault or responsibility, when some of it definitely is.

If you do wish to pursue or follow up on your suspicions that he has strayed from your marriage bed, then this reading is almost worse than useless in helping support your case. You are consequently being asked to tread very carefully with your accusations or claims of his infidelity, and be absolutely certain get a lot of hard, physical evidence of any of his possible sexual misdemeanour's before you openly accuse him of anything as serious as this.

You could potentially fatally weaken your bargaining position by accusing him of being unfaithful then leave yourself vulnerable to abuse, ridicule and perhaps legal prosecution at the hand of his lawyers when you could find out that it was all in your imagination. Your husband may see you doing this without first having any real evidence as a sign of your feminine weakness and you acting hysterically and only on your emotions, then use it to obtain a quick exit from your marriage with the full force of the divorce laws firmly behind him.

Unjustly accusing him of being unfaithful without you first having the solid evidence could be just what he is waiting for in making you look irrational and desperate enough to want to manufacture the evidence if you cannot quite seem to find it quickly enough in the real world. But in the end it must always remain your decision as to determining when enough is enough, and it is time for you to pull the permanently plug on your relationship.

Which of course comes back full circle to what you have already written in the first part of this posting.

my journey is my own and there is no one in the world that can advise one on a particular situation or compare to there own experience since their journey is theirs and no two situation can ever be said to be the same journey.........I have been hanging on way too long and we have been going to counselling for a few months and I cannot truly answer why I am hanging on to such a miserable situation.

The reasons for you continuing to hold on indefinitely in the hope that he will dramatically improve and begin co-operating with you and the counsellor are undoubtedly numerous and complicated and highly emotionally charged. I believe that at the basis of it the list of reasons include that you still have deep feelings of affection for him and that you are not yet prepared to let him go because you are grieving for the marriage which you may never have.

When people are actively grieving or mourning for their significant losses, either before or after the event happens, logic and clear thinking are both frequently in short supply. If you did not still at some deeper level feel some amount of affection or love for him, or you no longer believed that your marriage was recoverable, why would you now be making such an intensive effort to fix your marriage or want to try counselling before calling it quits? And put yourself through all of this emotional torture effectively for nothing?

Sorry that I cannot provide you of any admissible evidence that he has actually done anything wrong in the faithfulness area through this reading. Nor can I guarantee his innocence. But I can almost guarantee that if you openly accuse him of infidelity and he does prove to be entirely innocent of any sexual impropriety, your marriage would be automatically over in spite of any future efforts made by you and/or any counsellor.

Take care,

EoT

PS: Could I please ask that from now on any new reading requests made by you or any other member for that matter be posted as an entirely new topic or thread, with its own unique and descriptive subject heading?