http://mysticboard.org/vi ... 793#307793
Jenira,
Looking back at your earlier readings and especially the one which you requested from Cascade of Light in February 2012 (link above), there is not much more that can be said about your relationship which officially ended in December 2011, but which is clearly still having a significant negative emotional and spiritual impact upon you some 19 months after the event. It should have been a closure to a part of your life you would sometimes prefer never happened. But as you said here he brought some kind of weird enlightenment into your life that you can't explain, relating to you, yourself, your identity. The people closest to us often act like a mirror to our personality, and often what we see about ourselves in that reflection is something which we do not like and which we are going to have a difficult and lengthy time accepting.
You are a person who is justifiably proud of her ability to remain relatively calm and logical under particularly high levels of stress. You recognise that nobody including yourself is perfect and you as a consequence have a definite tendency to be tolerant and patient with your partners, and give them the benefit of the doubt until enough solid evidence accumulates to the contrary. You follow what should be the spirit of the law which states that a person is innocent until proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are guilty.
But in the wide world outside the court room we rarely if ever reach the point where anything is proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, especially when you are dealing with such a highly emotional issue where your whole sense of feminine identity appears to be under attack. It is perfectly natural for you to carry some degree of responsibility about what happened with his cheating ways (it takes at least two people to make or break any relationship) and I am sure that you could still be beating up on yourself for not recognizing that the writing was already on the wall for the partnership, long before December 2011.
I have found readings going back to 2009 which indicate to me that things were already uncomfortable for you about his increasingly apparent trustworthiness, some four years before now. One of the main things which you are still seriously punishing yourself for, which is unavoidably in turn giving you these "unusual spiritual experiences", is your feelings of anger and bitterness over what he did to you after you were congratulating yourself for feeling so calm and in control of the situation.
Now anger is an emotion which is usually seen as being undesirable, negative and not very nice or politically correct. You could say that anger has had a lot of bad publicity as something which any decent and intelligent like yourself should never display or give into. And yet anger is one of the most valuable tools in our survival toolbox, but only if it is used wisely and in measured doses. Someone who never gets angry will not survive for very long, as our anger can be focused towards quickly getting ourselves out of danger and making whatever changes are required to not make the same mistakes over and over again.
What this reading is saying is that punishing yourself indefinitely for feeling an emotion which has kept you psychologically as well as physically alive and moving in a forward direction for 19 months is not only counterproductive. It is also highly illogical but at th3e same time very human. Because he is out of the picture you cannot blame him any more, so you are blaming yourself. Getting angry at your anger seems to be an excellent place for you to begin the attack on your own self confidence. And anger turned inwards upon oneself equals depression.
The sense of spiritual unrest and emptiness which you are currently undergoing is basically made up of four important elements, with quite a few more minor ones thrown into what is a complex mixture of human emotions and common human weaknesses.
ANGER - At yourself for not realizing sooner that the relationship was at an end long before you went your separate ways and giving him the benefit of the doubt when he did not deserve it. And 19 months after the breakup still allowing him when he is absent to make you feel like you are guilty of some weakness or failure in your personality by having got angry and bitter.
DEPRESSION - Anger turned inwards plus your disappointment that this is still an issue, all these many months later. A learned response to what has been an increasingly stressful time for you internally, as well as stress coming from your environment or surroundings (outside of yourself).
LOSS OF TRUST - Both in him but more now in your own instincts which did not you believe serve you well in warning you that he was up to no good, long before the evidence was in. Loss of trust in yourself and in your ability to cope. Loss of trust in love and life. Loss of trust in God or your Higher Self (HS).
LACK OF SELF LOVE - To love oneself is to both respect and value who you already are, human weaknesses and all. Because he did not respect or value you this way, you may have internalized this into doing the same thing to yourself. The cheating made you feel that you did not deserve any better treatment from him, when this is clearly not the case.
To be able to more fully love yourself you must increasingly give yourself more of the benefit of the doubt, just as before you gave it to him. You must be softer and kinder upon yourself for being as fallible as the rest of us human beings are.
I believe that the next six months thought to be covered by this reading will be a time when you are challenged to respect and value your true Self even more than you have loved yourself at any other time in the past. This is preparing you to find a man who is much more deserving of being loved by a warm, sensitive and intelligent woman like yourself.
If you cannot accept that anger sometimes has a positive role in play in helping you to move forwards with your life, and that self love is the most important healing tool of all, how can you share the love which even now fills your heart, with another person?
But if instead you use this half year of golden opportunity to develop greater self love in spite of the anger and the bitterness which BTW are both coming to an end, 2014 is looking like it could be very positive on the romantic relationship front.
God bless,
EoT
