In need of general guidance

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AresChain
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Location: New York City, NY

In need of general guidance

Post by AresChain » Tue Nov 13, 2018 10:10 pm

Hi there,

I've posted on here before about love and relationship troubles. I seem to fail in many aspects of my life, most recently career and love. I just wanted some general guidance on what's to come for me in these aspects of my life. I know there's a lot I need to work on to be better for myself, but I've been feeling down the past few days and have been at a stand still. I just ended a month long dating relationship a few days ago, and before that I ended another month long dating relationship. The one I just ended was doing fine, I thought, and then it wasn't. I have really bad issues with anxiety and depression that I've sought help for and those things definitely contributed to the failure of these two attempts at a relationship.

Any and all input is appreciated.

I'm female, 24 years old, born in New York City around 3pm on October 14, 1994.

Thank you very much

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eye_of_tiger
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Re: In need of general guidance

Post by eye_of_tiger » Tue Nov 13, 2018 11:31 pm

Dear AC,

The first thing that I feel you need to do is change your definition of what it is to fail, or to be a failure.

Failure is when you are unwilling to try at least one more time, and since you clearly have been almost continuously trying to have a long term love relationship at least since I gave you your last reading, you have never failed at this, and consequently you are not a failure in any way as a person. And if you had given up on ever having another relationship, why would you be bothering requesting this reading now? Equally, have you given up on ever having a career? No? Then you have not failed there either.

Predicting what might happen in the future is difficult to impossible, because it assumes that nothing (including yourself) changes between now and then. Which never happens. But what I can predict for you is that if you do not change your definition of what it is to fail, and you automatically tell yourself repeatedly that every time a relationship ends that it was entirely your responsibility that it happened, then the chance of you repeating this pattern over and over again for the rest of your adult life will be approaching 100%.

For it is not what happens to us in this life, but rather it is what we repeatedly tell ourselves (or to be exact, what we tell our subconscious mind) about what happened to us which largely decides how we will feel, and as a result how we will respond to that event. This is of course why two individuals can have the identical experience, but feel and respond in completely different ways from each other.

Now if you continue to tell your subconscious mind (which accepts and takes everything you say as being completely and undoubtedly true) that every time a relationship or job ends that this must mean that you have failed this time, and that therefore it is certain that you will always fail at this from now on, what other feelings are you likely to have than to feel anxious and depressed? Who would not feel anxious and depressed by believing this about themselves?

In summary your reading is telling me that your faulty definition of having failed or being a failure is at the very core or centre of your ongoing difficulties in many different areas of your life at the same time, including with regards to romance.

What did you tell yourself after trying a method to deal with your own anxiety and depression issues, and that method did not work for you after several attempts?

Did you tell yourself that the method which you chose to try this time was not the right one for you, but that does not mean a different method will not work for you in the future?

Would you be likely to try again, if you believed this?

Or did you tell yourself that because this method did not work as well for as you hoped that it might after several attempts, that this necessarily means and proves that no methods will ever work for you in the future, because you are a failure and are forever destined to fail (no matter what method you will try)?

Would you be likely to try again, if you believed this?

Thought not!

Love, Light and Healing,

Brian :smt049

AresChain
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 9:57 pm
Location: New York City, NY

Re: In need of general guidance

Post by AresChain » Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:59 pm

You don't know how much I appreciate this response. I've been laying in bed the last few days with ultimate anxiety turning into a depression because when I feel like I've "failed" in those two aspects of my life, the rest of my life becomes sour. I start feeling like I have nothing going on and nothing to do and I'll always be this way. That's how I currently feel.

But having you put failure into perspective for me really touched me; I know that I've continued forward in my life since the last few times I've written to you. But it's like you said, I've always thought that it's all my fault when things end, when things don't work out because it's part of my nature to fail, instead of just seeing things the way they are and moving forward with my life.

I hope to eventually get out of this current funk I'm in and I hope to really fix my mindset for whatever the future may hold.

Thank you very much.

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eye_of_tiger
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Re: In need of general guidance

Post by eye_of_tiger » Thu Nov 15, 2018 8:04 pm

Dear AC,

I was so pleased that the reading helped you to see what has been happening, but do not beat up on yourself for telling yourself that you are a failure, as this habit of thinking is by now completely unconscious. Which means that it is not under your control, and therefore you are not responsible for it. We are all only human.

Definitely the best book which I have ever read on this subject is "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself" By Shad Helmstetter. PhD.

You can download the entire book in PDF format for free, from PDF drive.com

It is perfectly safe and legal as I regularly use this site myself, so click on the following link, then press the blue DOWNLOAD button.

The downloaded file is 258 pages in length and 8.6 MB in size.

You will not even have to leave your house to get one of the all time classics on this subject.

https://www.pdfdrive.com/what-to-say-wh ... 81826.html

Please let me know either through private messages or via this forum thread (as others may learn something from what you are saying) if you have any further questions about the book, or want some TLC in applying what you are reading in your life in a gentle way which is kind to yourself.

Especially if your inner critic is telling you that this cannot possibly work, and that you should give up now on the whole idea [BLAH BLAH BLAH], that is the best time of all to reread that last chapter of the book, and remind yourself of how much better and undeserved guilt free your life will become, if you can regularly apply the suggestions contained within.

Love, Light and Healing,

Brian :smt109

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