a little venting necessary here

[megshef86]

It feels a little strange to tell complete strangers, the things I am struggling with. things i didn't think i would ever admit to myself, let alone others.
for the past year i have been in out of hospital, being treated for a drug related eating disorder, i'm due to go back for the last time in 2 weeks, its been a long hard road so far in my recovery and i know it's not quite at its end just yet.o
i've learned a lot, especially about myself and how important it is to have confidence in the person i am. when my parents passed away in my early teens (i am now 21), i guess i missed some vital life lessons when it comes to "loving" yourself eg. learning to be assertive (instead of passive, leaving me feeling like i had no control whatsoever over my life and my future) inner strength (becoming your own best friend first, self acceptance was never talked about in my family as i was still quite young, and my parents didn't expect to never have the chance to pass on their knowledge and values), a final example being to trust that I ksnow what's best for me and to stand by it without feeling guilt or regret if I do not decide to be the person others "advise" me to be.
So, not being equipped with the "survival" tips i had no idea i was missing, i began slowly going downhill, wondering why everyone else seems to cope with everything just fine and i'm not. i felt weak and pathietic compared to everyone in my life, not aware that its ok to feel that way rather than hide my pain in the hope i'd actually be fooling people into thinking i was dealing with my grief pretty well considering the short time it had been since their death.
i began using drugs, only occasionly at first, a year and a half ago. it was my escape from the reality i didn't want to face, so needless to say it wasn't much longer before it became more frequent, eventually becoming a part of my daily life.
i didn't see the hell i was trapping myself in, the weight loss and mental impact worsened as the days went by, some days i wouldn't leave the house i was so ashamed of myself, scared of what other people would think of my scarily thin body and what it said about me on the inside.
i realised i couldn't do it anymore when i dropped to 35kg, i was only just existing and i knew it was time to decide whether i wanted to live or die.
4 months ago, i decided to live. not more anyone else, but myself and the person i knew was still inside of me somewhere that i wanted to be again, the daughter mum and dad helped me to become before it was their time to go.
I am now 43kg and counting, feeling stronger and stronger every day that i leave behind the life i felt imprisoned by.
So...i ask myself again, why i am telling complete strangers such a personal thing such as this?
because i want other people to know that they're not alone. i thought i was for so long, but now i know that so many people around the world are going through the same things i am. i know now what self worth is really about first hand, it may have taken me hitting rock bottom to get there, but i've chosen to live and that's exactly what i'll do.
thank you,

megz