Weary...Wary...and reluctant

[eclecticfaerie]

Greetings all...I know I do not post much even though when I come here it is like a breath of fresh air and comfort.  Simply put I am a mess.  I'm good at acting around that mess but sometimes...like tonight...the aching yearning that is ever present compels me to reach out.  I just hope I actually hit 'post.'
I'm somewhat (reformed from hell-bent) inclined to internally punish myself (denial of self expression is a top punishment) for some reason...or no reason...I know better yet somewhere along the line I was blown off my secure self path.  So many contributing factors that I am slowly but surely dealing with...or laterally going about understanding and letting go of certain things...sigh.  I am an empath, something that was (hallelujah!) identified and explained to me a couple of years ago when I apparently (according to my mother) personified the poster-woman for bi-polar disorder...(I have always felt 'different'--poetry written when I was in my teenage years embraced that ability as I inadvertently referred to it at the time)  With that revelation/confirmation I was able to start stumbling back down the path to unconditional self-love...and I am slowly regaining my self-confidence although the challenges and self-doubt are great.  I lack true unquestioning, understanding companionship in my life...I'm in a phase of anti-socialism for the most part as attempts at seeking or even wandering (without the seeking) others has backfired so many times I am also frosted with jade...blah...I'm rambling.  
I just...need to reach out.  And now I need to crawl back into my inner cave ...but I'd like to share one of my favorite photographs (I'm a quasi-photographer) as a thank you for reading my meandering and probably strange post.

[ladybloodmoon]

hi and heres a hug and some positve engery for you i happen to be an empath as well i was lucky eungh to relize that or what was going on with me at a young age i didn't accully know the name for it at first but that came with time if you ever need someone to talk to pm me i'm a great listener and always willing to

[dhav]

HI electricfairy,


It seems you are in much confusion about yourself right now.Most important of all is to give yourself love at your best and deal with your problems one by one.pray to your angels to help you.lots of positive and light to you

dhav

[Rohiniranjan]

[quote="eclecticfaerie"]Greetings all...I know I do not post much even though when I come here it is like a breath of fresh air and comfort.  Simply put I am a mess.  I'm good at acting around that mess but sometimes...like tonight...the aching yearning that is ever present compels me to reach out.  I just hope I actually hit 'post.'
I'm somewhat (reformed from hell-bent) inclined to internally punish myself (denial of self expression is a top punishment) for some reason...or no reason...I know better yet somewhere along the line I was blown off my secure self path.  So many contributing factors that I am slowly but surely dealing with...or laterally going about understanding and letting go of certain things...sigh.  I am an empath, something that was (hallelujah!) identified and explained to me a couple of years ago when I apparently (according to my mother) personified the poster-woman for bi-polar disorder...(I have always felt 'different'--poetry written when I was in my teenage years embraced that ability as I inadvertently referred to it at the time)  With that revelation/confirmation I was able to start stumbling back down the path to unconditional self-love...and I am slowly regaining my self-confidence although the challenges and self-doubt are great.  I lack true unquestioning, understanding companionship in my life...I'm in a phase of anti-socialism for the most part as attempts at seeking or even wandering (without the seeking) others has backfired so many times I am also frosted with jade...blah...I'm rambling.  
I just...need to reach out.  And now I need to crawl back into my inner cave ...but I'd like to share one of my favorite photographs (I'm a quasi-photographer) as a thank you for reading my meandering and probably strange post.[/quote]

Dear friend,

We come to this reality as babies
with no expectations, no memories
just the awareness to detect ...
pleasure from pain!
We gain an understanding over the years ...
or is it expectance?
Of those who will love us and those who are indifferent
And when our self-created classification does not work...?
We get confused, we get hurt!
Why was my love not returned back to me likewise?
Was it me or something I did?
Or was it just how this world operates, like the time before?

Thanks for sharing!

[karlenespellman]

Hi eclecticfaerie,

A HUGE HHHUUUGGG, positive energy and lots of love to you.

You are doing the right thing by going slow and one at a time. Keep uo the good work.

I woukld ask you to do 2 things for yourself every morning when you wake up, before you
get out of bed:

 Tell yourself that you love yourself and are a very special person

 Tell yourself that this is going to be a great day

( even if you don't feel it, say it) Soon you will just know it and not have to think it.

The positive energy you  put out before you get out of bed, will guide you through the day.

Lots of love to you.
Karlene

[pirbid]

Well, at least two gifts that I can identify so far: that of amazing photographer and also incredible writer. But mostly, for me it has been a speech with which I readily identify at this point in my life.

I have always felt "by-polar", too, only in the last few years the downs are crowding out the ups. By reading in this site, I believe I could be somewhat empathic, but it does not change the fact that I have excessive emotional reactions to others and need to "crawl back into my cave", as you so well put it, after any exhausting encounter. I recently discovered I can get this same effect even online: and me thinking this was an easier mode of communication for me...!

I do have an understanding companion and I guess it makes the whole difference. But if I have one, then you will soon have one, too, because you can just about imagine my social abilities  :smt003

The main point I wanted to make is that it is a pleasure to read you (if you blog, I will follow it like mad: it would be like reading a good book) and that I hope you will pm me whenever you feel like peeking out of the cave a little. I promise to be as unobtrusive as I would hope for myself.

And of course you are entitled to as many hugs as you wish!  :smt052

[soul_flower]

Im sorry you're going thru such a confusing,down and out time in your life.......I dont have any advise really but here you will find people to talk to and help you the best they can........I hope that things ease for you soon because you're such a lovely person who deserves to be happy and uplifted.

Heres some *huggles* and positive energy going to you and also my love.


Tamara :o)