Depression relapse

[forbidforgot]

For the most part, my trigger is the rape and abuse I had gone through in past years. I am single and because I choose to be to protect myself. I keep thinking its safer this way, but I yearn to love and be loved. To give affection and recieve it, if i can. Does anyone else feel this way? I think I've turned to crystals and gemstones to be my friends. My protectors. But in the end, the stones won't be able to protect me from the world.

I live in fear, even though I don't want to. I struggle with positive thoughts and affirmations, repeating them to make them true. To WILL the good into my life. But there's only so much I can take. I'm 23, and I have no "life." I don't go out, I don't unteract, and I do this to protect myself. Instead I'm hurting myself. The pain of memories will fade over time. Right now, I'm hurting.

Thanks for reading.

[karlenespellman]

Hi sweetie,

Your doing a lot of the right things, now go get some help, to help you finish this part of your journey.
HUGE HHHUUUGGGSSS, positive energy. lots of love.

Karlene

[tourbi]

Unfortunately, nothing really protects us from the world.  
Keep developing your skills and let yourself start being aware of what your guides are telling you.  They will try to give you the info you need to protect yourself.

In my history, I have memories of being abused by a male in my family.  I have been told that can't be true.  For me it is.  I meditated on this for a very very long time.  I realized that there was something my Spirit needed for me to experience, for what ever Karmic reason.  I never really tried to find out what in another life I did so that I needed this experience.  I looked at Karma and talked with my Spirit Self.  For me it helped a great deal that my Higher/Spirit Self had picked this life time for me to work it through and clear my Karma for that.  
I  was shown that in other lifetimes that person has been my son, my partner, a friend.  He was there to help me thru my Karma and I was there for him in the same way.  
For me, when I realized that I had chosen to come into this lifetime and experience this, I felt a huge sense of guilt/ helplessness lift from me.  
Please know.  It doesn't mean that I don't protect myself in situations.  I lam careful around him.  I protect myself emotionally.
Would I choose this for anyone to experience.  NO.  I know I am a stronger person for the experience.  I know I would not be who I am today without it.  I realize that I can heal and turn the pain and fear into compassion and love.
I learned that one of the things I need to do for myself is to walk all the way thru feelings from a situation. Just the feelings, not the situation.  It's when I don't do that, I have them coming back over and over again and I can never free myself from them.
The second I sit down and walk thru the feelings I am having about something, then I am finished.  It is not always easy for me.  I sometimes need help from someone else.  Sometimes the people I'm around are not happy I am walking thru my pain, fear or anger from a situation (like my abuse) They want me to be happy.  I want to stop living with the same feeling all the time.
These 2 steps helped me enormously to free myself from the fear and pain.  I had to take responsibility SPIRITUALLY, just Spiritually for needing to have the experience in this lifetime. I had to be willing to walk thru the horrible feelings to come out the other side so I could move on in my life and not stay in relationship with my violator forever more.
I feel that this is tough stuff to share and yet it can be freeing.  Ask for help when you need it.
Become best friends with your Higher/Spirit Self.  
Know that my heart is going out to you.  You can use this horrible part of your life to empower you for the rest of your life.  You can turn the horrible thing into something you can use to be a more compassionate, loving person.   Be what they didn't want you to be.    Be the powerful person you are meant to be.  Use this to become powerful.  
Please know, I don't say any of this lightly.  I know it is painful and not easy.  Yet, I hope you can find the freedom and the peace you so deeply deserve.
Again, my heart is going out to you.  Thank you for sharing.  May the peace and love of the Gods be with you forever more.

[taraprincess]

sweetie here is a huge hug...much love and huggies

[soul_flower]

You're on the right track,in time with help you will heal yourself with the help of others......Im sorry that you're hurting and going thru a difficult time but you will get thru it because you are a very strong person...Never forget that you're strong and that you have the love and support of the angels and spirits/guides,if you look to them they will always help ease your pain...And we are always here to help you also if you ever need someone to listen to you.

Here are some massive *huggles* my love and positive energy going to you.


Tamara :o)

[dhav]

Give yourself time and a lot of healing.Keep posting how you going on.We will be glad to hear and listen as frends.

Healing and hug sent your way.

[_Patt_]

You gave a step to free yourself from that bad memory, you talked with us!

Talk with us everything you want dear, never blame yourself for anything neither feel ashamed. You are a wonderful person. Nothing it's your fault, you didn't deserve what happened and what you deserve it's a life full of love and happiness and you know what, you will have it ;).

I'm proud of you and you should be too. You are a very strong person, you went through everything alone and now you had the courage of talking about it and face it. You will make it, you will free yourself dear.

Turn everything you think it's your weakness into your strength and never forget you are a wonderful person!

I'll be here and everyone will be here to support you in this journey.

PM me whenever you want, stay with angels  :smt006

[SophiaLouise]

Celebrate yourself for first being a survivor!  You are still here.  Whomever has hurt you in the past can not and will not hurt you now if you choose to be a warrior rather then a victim.

I say this after years of having to look my rapist in the face and not being believed by the one man who should have, my husband, that his best buddie raped me.

But I am here and the rapist is a loser.  And when I see him, if I see him, I look him straight in the eye because I know the truth and so does he.

Do not blame yourself or feel guilty for what has happened to you.  It is not about you and you can not take blame for their behaviors.

Forgive yourself first fo feeling like you do.  Love yourself and care for yourself.  Seek things that make you happy.

Hugs are great.  I am sending a big one ****  HUGS **** your way.  Hug yourself too.  Put your arms around yourself and hug.

If you haven't I would really recommend some counseling or getting in contact with a rape support network.  There are so many great programs around for support of survivors of rape.

And of course - talk here.  There are lots of people who care.

Like me.

Sometimes all I can do to get over the feelings is remember one of my favorite quotes:

"He who angers you, controls you."  No one controls me.  

Don't let the darkness and pain created by others control you.

Hugs and hopes for peace.

[Ani]

hi hun,
you have already found the right answer - isolation, though it may give you  a feeling of safety at times, does not protect you, it makes you lonelier and unhappier instead. What happened to you must be beyond all bearing, but life must go on. dont hide from the world, believe me its full of good, kindhearted people that will give you all the love and support you deserve, you just need to make an effort and learn to trust them again. I have to agree what`s been said above "what angers or scares you, controls you", so dont let your past control you coz its over.
lots of HUGE HUGS to you!
Ani xxxxxxxx

[ladybloodmoon]

first of all let me say hi and i hope that things are getting a bit better for you. secondly if you ever need someone to listen to you find me i've gone through this myself it's not easy but if you keep it bottled up it eats away at you but your a strong person always remeber that and trust your instincts lots of love and positive energy and heres a great big hug for you

[forbidforgot]

thank you to everyone who has replied! you thoughts and words are so very much appreciated! *hugs to all*

[putergoddess]

As a childhood rape victim and abuse victim, my heart goes out to you. I could not even remember most of my childhood, therefore didn't know why I was constantly battling depression. Counselling - and a lot of it - opened my mind and allowed me to deal with that part of my life. I still suffer from bouts of depression, but I know how to deal with it now. As I type this, I am back in counselling for it. But, I know part of it now is the spinal injury I survived and the life changing effects of that.
 I started studying the Goddess Original religion a while ago. It has helped me understand a lot about our world and myself. I gather peace from it and am better able to deal with this violent world we have to deal with everyday. Amethyst is my wellness stone and I gather feelings of well-being from it.
Keep on your path of learning. Seek counselling. Allow people into your life - even one  - and make that person someone you can confide in. I strongly suggest a female friend. There will be no "agenda". LOL  
I befriended my Minister and she became my best friend. We make a point of going out to lunch at least once every couple of weeks and talk about Everything. It's uplifting.
I was finally able to open up to a relationship. I was lucky enough to find a man who loved me for me. With all my baggage and faults. We have been together for 16 years now.
Never give up trying. Never give up hope.

[AngelaMH]

First let me commend you on your amazing strength in posting your personal experience.  Given what you went through, you must know you are strong enough to handle and, if you so choose, will bring you to a place in your life that you may otherwise never reached.  

It is not easy to regain power over your energy once someone has dominated or stolen it from you, but you can get it back!  I like how the mystical intuitive, Carolyn Myss states it by 'calling your energy back.'  It's a process and you have to work at it daily, but you are on the right path & will reach periodic breakthroughs as you work toward your goal.  

Many people struggle (including myself at times) in that freeing yourself of trauma does not happen over night.  Sometimes you will see results, other times your efforts are battling the subconcious and take longer to break to the surface.  Continue to challenge yourself by invoking positive energy even when you feel none & forcing social situations even when you want to hide in isolation.  Keep your faith & strength, know you are loved and will soon be free.  

Wrapping you in love & peace.  xoxo

[glenellen]

oh you dear child, i did nothing about what happened to me until later life and had a lot of  ghost's that haunted me (my memories and thoughts) guilt and confusion, and i let it take over most of my life, i confronted them later on, many years later and unfortunately destroyed a few family's but i realised it was'nt me who destroyed them it was the men who violated me so my advice sweetie if you cant confront the person, try and get some help to deal with it, they say time is a great healer but only if you let it, dont waste anymore of your life, trust me i no its easier said then done but your young and beautiful and if i had it over again.... well hinesight is a wonderful thing....and everyone deals with things in there own way, but try and live your life and i no there is people out there to help you so a huge huge hug to you

[Ronnie83]

Hope you can find some pease! Here is a big hug for YOU!