Hi ZD
All my wishes bugs and blessings for this defining moment in your life.
Some time in the next 5 /8 hours dont be suprised if you see a glimse of her or hear her call or your power in your house might fluctuate. This is normal thing that alot of people dont expect. Also because of the hightened emotional state you have at the moment your more open to these things happening. I had my Dad stand in the door way of my room for 10 mins just to say hi on the way passed. He comes and visits regulary and i chat with him once a year through a medium friend of mine.
if you need to chat or i can help please dont hesitate to PM me.
Cheers Pete
Mega Hug needed....
Moderators: eye_of_tiger, shalimar123
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Psychic Chef
- Posts: 701
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- Location: Perth, Australia
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Zoddn Drak
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2008 3:11 am
Thank you soooooooo much Mr. Chef (and everyone else), I thought maybe I'd finally gone off the deep end, but she seems to be hanging around longer than I'd hoped. I mean, I'm glad shes watching over me, but I want her to get to where shes going first and then help me out, ya know? I don't want her to lose sight of what she has to do, which in my family's belief system is to make it to Heaven, I really don't want her to be a ghost (bound spirit), I don't think I could handle that. I keep catching glimpses of her in the places she was the most... I have already told her to get where she needs to go, then come back if she really wants to, but she's still stubborn, it seems. Ummm, I've been hearing that High-pitched "Weeeeeee...." a lot lately, does that mean something? Usually it goes away, but tonight it refuses. It gets quieter for a little bit, then comes back.
Ummmmm.... two of the stranger things that's been happening, 1. Some of Mom's stuffed animals are being moved around, and arranged. Not how she used to do it though. Actually, the two moving teddy bears (atleast the ones I've noticed) I've never actually seen before, but still believe them to be Mom's, I found them both where she died. Is she actually capable of moving things around this soon? I put them on a shelf above the couch where I tried to sleep last night (that could've went better) one was on a Cookie Tin, and the other beside it. Well they both ended up on the cookie tin like one was comforting the other, at first I wondered if I was losing it or someone was messing with me. But the more I look at it, the more I think Mom did it.
2. Mom left a porcaline doll of a little native Native American girl hanging in a basket above her T.V. One of the neighbors pointed it out to me, and I looked into the eyes of the doll, maybe I'm crazy but it looked like there was life in those eyes. It scared me a bit, mostly because I wasn't really expecting it.
Most of this is probably just me needing to write things down, and to let others know what's going on inside, even if it's not the ones Physically close to me. And yes in case you wondered, you all have shown me soooo much kindness and compassion in my brief time here, that I couldn't not share this with you. I hope I haven't caused anyone pain with this, and if I have I apologize, as that was not my intent. Thank you soooo much for showing me that strangers can treat you like family without wanting to use you for something, I was becoming very Jaded, then I found you. Thanks.
FROM HERE ON I'M ASKING FOR YOUR OPINION OF THE SITUATION, BASED ON THE FAMILY HISTORY PROVIDED, AND NO, IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE, JUST LET IT BE, PLEASE:
I may just be extremely confused, trying to deal with all my emotions and running on no sleep, but this feeling has become to big to ignore.
My older sister got here about 8 pm EST, but seems to lack emotion concerning Mom's passing, maybe she's hiding it, and if she is, she's hiding it from an Empath, but that's not to say I can really feel anything right now. I've gone kinda numb, but I still feel. It's very strange, a bit like I'm not in my body, but still kinda feel it remotely. My little sister is acting like she's fine, I personally hope shes happy, but (maybe a bit paranoid) seems like shes too happy, considering. I mean she hasn't cried since that first morning (yesterday, it feels like a month has passed in the last 36+/- hours, it's working on 48 now), and has actually acted giggly and happy ever since. Maybe I just don't understand the way she's dealing with it, but I get a strange gut feeling something is off about it... Maybe I'm just paranoid.
But some of my older sister's behavior has been odd too, but I didn't really expect much from her, she blamed my mom for things mom had no control over, and even ran away at 17, mom had to track her down and sign her over to the state, and it almost killed her to do it, too, but even then my sister felt no remorse for her actions. We'd recently been back in contact with her, actually my little sister called her with some else's cell phone on the bus one day, and then (suspiciously) We were being investigated by child protective services, which actually (if it was my older sister this time) would be the third time she's made a false report to them (yup, every time Mom was proven more than fit.) But after that, my little sister kept bugging Mom about going to see her, after Mom refused, (guess what happened) CPS got involved again, this time Mom was assigned a long term Social-worker-thingy not exactly a counselor, but kinda like it. Anyway, the counselor recently (in the last week) asked my little sister what would happen if Mom died, and she responded with "I'll get to go live with my older sister." So I may have justified fears concerning these events, but I'm not even sure if I'm truly capable of comprehension at this point, I hope that mom isn't hanging around because my little sister did the unspeakable. I would lose it, utterly and completely, and if I do I'll leave instructions with my brother to let you know.
Mom had a lot wrong with her health, but she didn't have a lot of trouble concerning her heart, from what I know, she took High Blood Pressure medication, but other than occasional circulation problems, her heart was fine. BUT, thats not what the medical examiner's office called and said today, after the first phone call, to confirm I wished for an autopsy, they called back to tell me her heart was very weak, and that they had to do more blood work and other tests that would take a few more days. This was actually the biggest shock so far, because the bulk of her problems lie in that she had a tumor on one kidney (non-cancerous, to the best of my knowledge) and a cyst on the other. She was Diabetic but kept it pretty well under control, at least I think she did. But other than that, the rest of her body was fairly well off.
DO REMEMBER I JUST WANT YOUR OPINION.
On a more "getting ready for the next segment of my life" note, I tendered my resignation to the school, atleast for this year. Asked how they wanted to go about transferring my little sister, and let my brother's school know why he won't be there for a while. That got that out of the way, atleast for a little while. I had to return mom's License Plate for her car that blew up last week, the engine took out pretty much everything else under the hood, glad we weren't in it. But all that was relatively painless. The hard part is trying to contact all of my mother's friends (atleast the ones I know how to get a hold of) to tell them what happened. My little sister had recently decided to take off with the cell phone and delete all the contact information off of it. Not Good.
I realized today why I haven't let myself fall to pieces. I know I'll have my brother, and have to take care of him, and I just can't let myself not be able to be there for him when he needs me the most. After it's all said and done, then I'll grieve, but until then I have way too much to do. Any thought losing brother is nearly unbearable.
Again thanks for being here for me, and know that people are watching out for us.
Tim
Ummmmm.... two of the stranger things that's been happening, 1. Some of Mom's stuffed animals are being moved around, and arranged. Not how she used to do it though. Actually, the two moving teddy bears (atleast the ones I've noticed) I've never actually seen before, but still believe them to be Mom's, I found them both where she died. Is she actually capable of moving things around this soon? I put them on a shelf above the couch where I tried to sleep last night (that could've went better) one was on a Cookie Tin, and the other beside it. Well they both ended up on the cookie tin like one was comforting the other, at first I wondered if I was losing it or someone was messing with me. But the more I look at it, the more I think Mom did it.
2. Mom left a porcaline doll of a little native Native American girl hanging in a basket above her T.V. One of the neighbors pointed it out to me, and I looked into the eyes of the doll, maybe I'm crazy but it looked like there was life in those eyes. It scared me a bit, mostly because I wasn't really expecting it.
Most of this is probably just me needing to write things down, and to let others know what's going on inside, even if it's not the ones Physically close to me. And yes in case you wondered, you all have shown me soooo much kindness and compassion in my brief time here, that I couldn't not share this with you. I hope I haven't caused anyone pain with this, and if I have I apologize, as that was not my intent. Thank you soooo much for showing me that strangers can treat you like family without wanting to use you for something, I was becoming very Jaded, then I found you. Thanks.
FROM HERE ON I'M ASKING FOR YOUR OPINION OF THE SITUATION, BASED ON THE FAMILY HISTORY PROVIDED, AND NO, IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE, JUST LET IT BE, PLEASE:
I may just be extremely confused, trying to deal with all my emotions and running on no sleep, but this feeling has become to big to ignore.
My older sister got here about 8 pm EST, but seems to lack emotion concerning Mom's passing, maybe she's hiding it, and if she is, she's hiding it from an Empath, but that's not to say I can really feel anything right now. I've gone kinda numb, but I still feel. It's very strange, a bit like I'm not in my body, but still kinda feel it remotely. My little sister is acting like she's fine, I personally hope shes happy, but (maybe a bit paranoid) seems like shes too happy, considering. I mean she hasn't cried since that first morning (yesterday, it feels like a month has passed in the last 36+/- hours, it's working on 48 now), and has actually acted giggly and happy ever since. Maybe I just don't understand the way she's dealing with it, but I get a strange gut feeling something is off about it... Maybe I'm just paranoid.
But some of my older sister's behavior has been odd too, but I didn't really expect much from her, she blamed my mom for things mom had no control over, and even ran away at 17, mom had to track her down and sign her over to the state, and it almost killed her to do it, too, but even then my sister felt no remorse for her actions. We'd recently been back in contact with her, actually my little sister called her with some else's cell phone on the bus one day, and then (suspiciously) We were being investigated by child protective services, which actually (if it was my older sister this time) would be the third time she's made a false report to them (yup, every time Mom was proven more than fit.) But after that, my little sister kept bugging Mom about going to see her, after Mom refused, (guess what happened) CPS got involved again, this time Mom was assigned a long term Social-worker-thingy not exactly a counselor, but kinda like it. Anyway, the counselor recently (in the last week) asked my little sister what would happen if Mom died, and she responded with "I'll get to go live with my older sister." So I may have justified fears concerning these events, but I'm not even sure if I'm truly capable of comprehension at this point, I hope that mom isn't hanging around because my little sister did the unspeakable. I would lose it, utterly and completely, and if I do I'll leave instructions with my brother to let you know.
Mom had a lot wrong with her health, but she didn't have a lot of trouble concerning her heart, from what I know, she took High Blood Pressure medication, but other than occasional circulation problems, her heart was fine. BUT, thats not what the medical examiner's office called and said today, after the first phone call, to confirm I wished for an autopsy, they called back to tell me her heart was very weak, and that they had to do more blood work and other tests that would take a few more days. This was actually the biggest shock so far, because the bulk of her problems lie in that she had a tumor on one kidney (non-cancerous, to the best of my knowledge) and a cyst on the other. She was Diabetic but kept it pretty well under control, at least I think she did. But other than that, the rest of her body was fairly well off.
DO REMEMBER I JUST WANT YOUR OPINION.
On a more "getting ready for the next segment of my life" note, I tendered my resignation to the school, atleast for this year. Asked how they wanted to go about transferring my little sister, and let my brother's school know why he won't be there for a while. That got that out of the way, atleast for a little while. I had to return mom's License Plate for her car that blew up last week, the engine took out pretty much everything else under the hood, glad we weren't in it. But all that was relatively painless. The hard part is trying to contact all of my mother's friends (atleast the ones I know how to get a hold of) to tell them what happened. My little sister had recently decided to take off with the cell phone and delete all the contact information off of it. Not Good.
I realized today why I haven't let myself fall to pieces. I know I'll have my brother, and have to take care of him, and I just can't let myself not be able to be there for him when he needs me the most. After it's all said and done, then I'll grieve, but until then I have way too much to do. Any thought losing brother is nearly unbearable.
Again thanks for being here for me, and know that people are watching out for us.
Tim
Last edited by Zoddn Drak on Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
~*~Tim~*~
Tim,
You are doing just as I did also...
It's good your talking about it...
Don't bottle it up inside if this is how your going to deal with it please keep doing so...
It helps you along the way...
Everyone's feelings are different, ppl respond different..
My brothers still wont talk about our mother..
The play a blame game now, which I find it disgusting...
My mother was my best friend..
I so look FWD: to joining her when it's my turn to go...
We had very bad days and some very wonderful ones as well...
She was the only person I could trust my life to and my issues..
Infect she's still around me helping deal with other things now.
Just she can keep a closer eye on my now..LoL <== Meaning I giggle over everything and she knows that also.. And ppl that know me...
So where your typing about your feelings,
others may cry in privet at bed time, driving, or just when there alone..
They may not want others to see them...
They maybe taking harder then you think..
I know my brothers feel guilty so they lash what they can..
Because when she past they was crying...
I can't hold a grudge on them I love them very much,
but just don't agree how they treated her when she was here..
aka -- before her brain surgery that is back in 1993....
It's been almost 2 years and I still want to pick my phone up and check on her..
When I go to my home town too New Hampshire, first thing I always did was stop to see her first...
kills me now like it was yesterday...
I counted the hours of her passing like you are as-well..
In shock~!! I never thought my mother would leave..
"We always said to one another, we are to bitchy none wants us,"LoL...
Hang in there young man...
Your going to be ok I can tell...
You have allot of family watching over you now...
Big hugs to a brave Tim,
I know it's hard and it will be for a while..
You are doing just as I did also...
It's good your talking about it...
Don't bottle it up inside if this is how your going to deal with it please keep doing so...
It helps you along the way...
Everyone's feelings are different, ppl respond different..
My brothers still wont talk about our mother..
The play a blame game now, which I find it disgusting...
My mother was my best friend..
I so look FWD: to joining her when it's my turn to go...
We had very bad days and some very wonderful ones as well...
She was the only person I could trust my life to and my issues..
Infect she's still around me helping deal with other things now.
Just she can keep a closer eye on my now..LoL <== Meaning I giggle over everything and she knows that also.. And ppl that know me...
So where your typing about your feelings,
others may cry in privet at bed time, driving, or just when there alone..
They may not want others to see them...
They maybe taking harder then you think..
I know my brothers feel guilty so they lash what they can..
Because when she past they was crying...
I can't hold a grudge on them I love them very much,
but just don't agree how they treated her when she was here..
aka -- before her brain surgery that is back in 1993....
It's been almost 2 years and I still want to pick my phone up and check on her..
When I go to my home town too New Hampshire, first thing I always did was stop to see her first...
kills me now like it was yesterday...
I counted the hours of her passing like you are as-well..
In shock~!! I never thought my mother would leave..
"We always said to one another, we are to bitchy none wants us,"LoL...
Hang in there young man...
Your going to be ok I can tell...
You have allot of family watching over you now...
Big hugs to a brave Tim,
I know it's hard and it will be for a while..
Dear Tim,
It's hard to imagine someone so young having such enormous responsibilities and worries placed on his shoulders, with relatively little "warning" (and in some ways no amount of warning can prepare one for these things). And yet I'm in awe of how mature and caring you sound, how willing to try to things things through until you get the best answer you can, and how much you're worried about your sibling's welfare (even the ones who you've had issues with).
You brought up so many things that it's hard to know where to start. First, grief is a funny (not "ha ha" funny, as they say) thing. It can manifest itself in so many strange ways that may seem downright bizarre--even to the people experiencing them. Of course, I have no idea what's going through your sisters' minds, but please don't assume that their apparent lack of sadness is indicative of some kind of wrongdoing. I'm not saying for certain that it's not--anything is possible, I've learned!--but grief can be delayed, masked, sublimated, deliberately ignored--any number of things. Consider this: if your sisters had such a difficult relationship with your mother, and may even at times have not wished her well (and we've all thought things without really wanting them to happen when we're angry), is it possible that guilt about those thoughts, feelings, and incidents is making them act in ways that may seem strange to you? It's POSSIBLE that your sister is thinking, "This is MY fault; I wished that something bad would happen, and now it did." Feeling like that is almost bound to create a reaction that might seem bizarre from the outside. So, all I'm saying is that, unless you find out that someone really did something wrong, don't jeopardize your relationship with your family by assuming the worst. Let some time go by and let things settle down so that everyone has a chance to sort out his or her feelings. As you said, even YOU are feeling strange and numb. There is nothing wrong with any manifestation of grief, no matter how bizarre it might seem--as long as no one is in danger of hurting himself or anyone else.
As for your mother's wanting to stay around for a while, again, give it some time. I assume that she taught you your belief system about Heaven; she won't have forgotten that, and will know what to do when the time comes. It's perfectly understandable that she'd want to "hang around" for a bit, knowing that her wonderful 18-year-old son now has to take on such a huge responsibility, and no doubt knowing that there will be some bad feelings/mistrust among her children for a while. Talk to her, ask her things, tell her the truth about your fears and concerns (she'd want you to be truthful rather than just pretend that everything is just fine right off the bat), tell her how much you love her, and let her know that when she's READY to go to Heaven you will be able to accept that, and will be happy for her.
That's all, for now. Keep writing (you write very well, by the way!), if it helps you process things. We're all here for you.
Take care,
Doe
It's hard to imagine someone so young having such enormous responsibilities and worries placed on his shoulders, with relatively little "warning" (and in some ways no amount of warning can prepare one for these things). And yet I'm in awe of how mature and caring you sound, how willing to try to things things through until you get the best answer you can, and how much you're worried about your sibling's welfare (even the ones who you've had issues with).
You brought up so many things that it's hard to know where to start. First, grief is a funny (not "ha ha" funny, as they say) thing. It can manifest itself in so many strange ways that may seem downright bizarre--even to the people experiencing them. Of course, I have no idea what's going through your sisters' minds, but please don't assume that their apparent lack of sadness is indicative of some kind of wrongdoing. I'm not saying for certain that it's not--anything is possible, I've learned!--but grief can be delayed, masked, sublimated, deliberately ignored--any number of things. Consider this: if your sisters had such a difficult relationship with your mother, and may even at times have not wished her well (and we've all thought things without really wanting them to happen when we're angry), is it possible that guilt about those thoughts, feelings, and incidents is making them act in ways that may seem strange to you? It's POSSIBLE that your sister is thinking, "This is MY fault; I wished that something bad would happen, and now it did." Feeling like that is almost bound to create a reaction that might seem bizarre from the outside. So, all I'm saying is that, unless you find out that someone really did something wrong, don't jeopardize your relationship with your family by assuming the worst. Let some time go by and let things settle down so that everyone has a chance to sort out his or her feelings. As you said, even YOU are feeling strange and numb. There is nothing wrong with any manifestation of grief, no matter how bizarre it might seem--as long as no one is in danger of hurting himself or anyone else.
As for your mother's wanting to stay around for a while, again, give it some time. I assume that she taught you your belief system about Heaven; she won't have forgotten that, and will know what to do when the time comes. It's perfectly understandable that she'd want to "hang around" for a bit, knowing that her wonderful 18-year-old son now has to take on such a huge responsibility, and no doubt knowing that there will be some bad feelings/mistrust among her children for a while. Talk to her, ask her things, tell her the truth about your fears and concerns (she'd want you to be truthful rather than just pretend that everything is just fine right off the bat), tell her how much you love her, and let her know that when she's READY to go to Heaven you will be able to accept that, and will be happy for her.
That's all, for now. Keep writing (you write very well, by the way!), if it helps you process things. We're all here for you.
Take care,
Doe
Hey Tim,
Just be strong and try to use your logic as much as you can!!!
Your sisters and brothers are just as hurt as you are! It's not their fault for what happened... Try to continue your life as it was before...
Your mom wouldn't want you
to be sad and mad at your brothers and sisters! She would want you love and support each other!
All the best from me and things will get better!!! I'm sure! Be patient..time heals everything!
Just be strong and try to use your logic as much as you can!!!
Your sisters and brothers are just as hurt as you are! It's not their fault for what happened... Try to continue your life as it was before...
Your mom wouldn't want you
to be sad and mad at your brothers and sisters! She would want you love and support each other!
All the best from me and things will get better!!! I'm sure! Be patient..time heals everything!
SO SO SO SORRY!
Death of a loved one is so personal, i have nothing to say on this topic, knowing that they are watching over you in this time is most of the time not good enough to fill the hole in your heart.
I still have that hole from my grandmother and it is over 3 yrs ago now.
I wish you all the best and all the positive energy that i have stored.
cry until you can't anymore, it is really the best way to cleanse.
HUGS
I still have that hole from my grandmother and it is over 3 yrs ago now.
I wish you all the best and all the positive energy that i have stored.
cry until you can't anymore, it is really the best way to cleanse.
HUGS
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Zoddn Drak
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2008 3:11 am
Update:
Hi again. Sisters are being more emotional than they had previously been. Still haven't gotten the toxicology report from the medical examiner. Contacting my Mother's friends has proven problematic, one I haven't seen in about 5 years, since I moved to Florida. Another, her son is one of my best friends, but when I called to ask for his mothers number, he didn't give it to me, but he did seem preoccupied. The other one I can think of right off the top of my head is (to the best of my knowledge) still living in Michigan, anyway I don't know how to get a hold of her. I did reach one though and it was sad to have to tell her, but it was also a relief to be able to let atleast one of them know. Hopefully more can be notified.
The funeral, as it stands, is gonna be annoying, or atleast trying to set it up. My sister is convinced that the government will help us pay for it, I on the other hand am dubious. The total cost (just for the Cremation) is going to be around $1500, which I'm not quite sure how this one's gonna go down, but I hope my sister's right. On a very fortunate note, my sister has actually been able to contact one of my uncles. Hopefully he decides to help us out, as he is my father's brother, and after Mom's divorce most of his family disowned us.
On a happier note, one of my neighbors are going to be holding a cook-out thingy tomorrow which will be nice, some way to relax a little, maybe even laugh. It will probably be sometime around midday, and then later (about 5 pm) my sister is holding a memorial, which I will attend, even though we haven't even got a body, and as it stands, probably won't until after my sisters leave. Hmmm, hectic. My overt lack of sleep lately is finally catching up to me, and I wish it didn't suck as much as it is.
Very much trying not to worry about anything I can't solve (with or without help) but I'm thinking it isn't as hard is I had imagined. My biggest problem is going to be keeping the house in decent shape (housework, general maintenance), I know I can keep up with the garden and Mom's potted plants, and the mini petting zoo we've acquired over the years. But cleaning is my weakness. I can cook really good though, always was good at that. I'll just have to get better. The only other long term issue is going to be me getting a job... which for the last 4+ months has seemed that all the forces of nature have been dead set on me not getting one. Hopefully something gives.
Thanks again, this really does help (at least I think so...),
Tim
Hi again. Sisters are being more emotional than they had previously been. Still haven't gotten the toxicology report from the medical examiner. Contacting my Mother's friends has proven problematic, one I haven't seen in about 5 years, since I moved to Florida. Another, her son is one of my best friends, but when I called to ask for his mothers number, he didn't give it to me, but he did seem preoccupied. The other one I can think of right off the top of my head is (to the best of my knowledge) still living in Michigan, anyway I don't know how to get a hold of her. I did reach one though and it was sad to have to tell her, but it was also a relief to be able to let atleast one of them know. Hopefully more can be notified.
The funeral, as it stands, is gonna be annoying, or atleast trying to set it up. My sister is convinced that the government will help us pay for it, I on the other hand am dubious. The total cost (just for the Cremation) is going to be around $1500, which I'm not quite sure how this one's gonna go down, but I hope my sister's right. On a very fortunate note, my sister has actually been able to contact one of my uncles. Hopefully he decides to help us out, as he is my father's brother, and after Mom's divorce most of his family disowned us.
On a happier note, one of my neighbors are going to be holding a cook-out thingy tomorrow which will be nice, some way to relax a little, maybe even laugh. It will probably be sometime around midday, and then later (about 5 pm) my sister is holding a memorial, which I will attend, even though we haven't even got a body, and as it stands, probably won't until after my sisters leave. Hmmm, hectic. My overt lack of sleep lately is finally catching up to me, and I wish it didn't suck as much as it is.
Very much trying not to worry about anything I can't solve (with or without help) but I'm thinking it isn't as hard is I had imagined. My biggest problem is going to be keeping the house in decent shape (housework, general maintenance), I know I can keep up with the garden and Mom's potted plants, and the mini petting zoo we've acquired over the years. But cleaning is my weakness. I can cook really good though, always was good at that. I'll just have to get better. The only other long term issue is going to be me getting a job... which for the last 4+ months has seemed that all the forces of nature have been dead set on me not getting one. Hopefully something gives.
Thanks again, this really does help (at least I think so...),
Tim
Last edited by Zoddn Drak on Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
Tim,
There IS a chance that you might be able to get financial assistance from the state you live in or somewhere for the funeral. If you'd like, feel free to either PM me or just write me here, tell me what state you're in, and I'll help you look into it.
I don't make any promises, but I know it's done in certain cases (I had help with it once), so it can't hurt to try!
Doe
There IS a chance that you might be able to get financial assistance from the state you live in or somewhere for the funeral. If you'd like, feel free to either PM me or just write me here, tell me what state you're in, and I'll help you look into it.
I don't make any promises, but I know it's done in certain cases (I had help with it once), so it can't hurt to try!
Doe
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karlenespellman
- Posts: 2246
- Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 pm
- Location: colorado
Tim,
Again hugs, positive energy and love to you and your family.
I would like to believe that my 18 year old son would be as strong and responisible,
careing and reliable as you are proving to be.
I am glad to see that you are going to take a break.
You need one.
Remember to keep the "positive " thoughts, those will bring "positive" results.
Lots of love to you and your family.
Stay in touch.
Karlene
Again hugs, positive energy and love to you and your family.
I would like to believe that my 18 year old son would be as strong and responisible,
careing and reliable as you are proving to be.
I am glad to see that you are going to take a break.
You need one.
Remember to keep the "positive " thoughts, those will bring "positive" results.
Lots of love to you and your family.
Stay in touch.
Karlene
-
Zoddn Drak
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2008 3:11 am
Well the Memorial was short but all the more sweet. The cookout thingy ended up evolving into the Memorial, which was ok, because everyone who would have made it was right there anyway. Someone talked to their boss and may have acquired a job for me, which is good because I'm gonna need it. And yes Florida sucks when it comes to death benefits, the only one is Social Service which gives you a one time $255 thing and that's all. The pastor of my Moms church showed up a minute before the Memorial started, and said a few words (I had previously been unable to contact him, but thanks to small rural towns, word gets around pretty quick.) which was opportune, because my sister really didn't want to hold service for her own mother. It was also helpful in the fact that the Church is going to do a Love Offering for us (along with my older sister's and James' mother's church) so we may be able to cover the cost of a Cremation, which I really hope we can because when a family in Florida can't pay for a funeral, the body is dumped in an unmarked grave on government property to rot. Not cool.
After the Memorial, James' Mom showed up and took me to Walmart to buy groceries. Mostly canned goods and boxes of Hamburger Helper, but everything helps. She took James back with her to go to a wedding for part of her family, which I don't mind he can use some time with his family. He'll be back in a few days, so it's all good (as good as it can be at the moment) and that has been my day. I did actually get some sleep last night, which has helped me deal with stuff.
I'm no longer sad Mom died, now I'm sad she never got to visit the Florida Beaches, see me and my brother Graduate, or meet my children (not yet born), or my wife (not yet met), or get to eat chocolate pudding one last time. If I could start this week over at Monday and change anything, I would ask her where she hides her money, and actually make that damnable pudding she asked for the night before she died. It just sits there on the shelf every time I go into the kitchen, reminding me that I was being selfish that night and couldn't be bothered to make Mom some pudding. I just hope she forgives me and eats as much pudding as she wants in Heaven. I didn't deserve the best Mother in the world, but I still got her. And she deserved better than me as a son, I just pray she remembers the good things about me, and not that I didn't help her often enough, do enough for her, or that she had to call more than once for me to come running. The pudding is a testament to my unadulterated Jackassery. And now I regret it. It's sad it took me this long to understand what I was doing, I could see what needed to be done, and I could have done it so she didn't have to, but I was lazy, and didn't really care. I wouldn't do it unless she asked, and even then only after a couple of times of her asking. There's no excuse for my actions, and now I have a lifetime of regret as payment. I keep thinking that if I'd helped out more Mom wouldn't have gotten so sickly and tired, and by extension, would still be alive. Everyone keeps telling me she would have died sooner or later, but it feels like I helped kill her, and that REALLY SUCKS! I'm not ready to believe to the contrary, but my one consolation is that I also have a lifetime to take care of my family and prove that I can change for the better. I will survive for the sake of my younger brother.
Thank you again for your kindness, and allowing me to state my thoughts and emotions,
Tim
After the Memorial, James' Mom showed up and took me to Walmart to buy groceries. Mostly canned goods and boxes of Hamburger Helper, but everything helps. She took James back with her to go to a wedding for part of her family, which I don't mind he can use some time with his family. He'll be back in a few days, so it's all good (as good as it can be at the moment) and that has been my day. I did actually get some sleep last night, which has helped me deal with stuff.
I'm no longer sad Mom died, now I'm sad she never got to visit the Florida Beaches, see me and my brother Graduate, or meet my children (not yet born), or my wife (not yet met), or get to eat chocolate pudding one last time. If I could start this week over at Monday and change anything, I would ask her where she hides her money, and actually make that damnable pudding she asked for the night before she died. It just sits there on the shelf every time I go into the kitchen, reminding me that I was being selfish that night and couldn't be bothered to make Mom some pudding. I just hope she forgives me and eats as much pudding as she wants in Heaven. I didn't deserve the best Mother in the world, but I still got her. And she deserved better than me as a son, I just pray she remembers the good things about me, and not that I didn't help her often enough, do enough for her, or that she had to call more than once for me to come running. The pudding is a testament to my unadulterated Jackassery. And now I regret it. It's sad it took me this long to understand what I was doing, I could see what needed to be done, and I could have done it so she didn't have to, but I was lazy, and didn't really care. I wouldn't do it unless she asked, and even then only after a couple of times of her asking. There's no excuse for my actions, and now I have a lifetime of regret as payment. I keep thinking that if I'd helped out more Mom wouldn't have gotten so sickly and tired, and by extension, would still be alive. Everyone keeps telling me she would have died sooner or later, but it feels like I helped kill her, and that REALLY SUCKS! I'm not ready to believe to the contrary, but my one consolation is that I also have a lifetime to take care of my family and prove that I can change for the better. I will survive for the sake of my younger brother.
Thank you again for your kindness, and allowing me to state my thoughts and emotions,
Tim
Last edited by Zoddn Drak on Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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karlenespellman
- Posts: 2246
- Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 pm
- Location: colorado
Tim,
Breath!!!!
I'm glad the cook out and Memorial went well.
A lot of healing started.
Now you get the "MOM" lecture from me.
We are all human, yes even you. I have 4 teen-agers. It is a constant teen-age struggle to get them to do all of the things they need to do. They and you are still "kids" to "moms".
Do not regret now nor in the furture about the pudding or anything else. These are things kids have to learn. They do, and moms know this. Unfortunately for you, you learned the hard way. I am truely sorry for that, but take it, and use this lesson that your mom taught you now. Use that pudding as a learning lesson reminder. From today on, "live life likes it's your last day."
From now on, you will look at life with new eyes. Tell everyone that you love, that you love them. Tell them everytime you talk, not just on holidays. Take 15 min. and take your brother to the park for "alone time". If the dishes are dirty and the clothes need washed, guess what? I have done this for 30 years, I have the first hand, proof positive testamony,
THEY WILL NOT CLEAN THEMESELVES!!!!!!!! They will still be there dirty when you get home.
Teach you brother forgivness and humility. You can only do this if you teach yourself first.
Be mad at yourself today, then let it go. While your mom is still there, appologize to her. This is for you, after all she was the best mom, she already knew this.
Living with self imposed regrets will only hurt you and your brother. Think to yourself what it is you want your brother to learn from you. You know 1st hand how "kids" follow actions more than words. You know the old saying " Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work.
Okay, done with th Mom lecture.
A HUGE HHHUUUGGG, positive energy and love to you all.
Lots of love.
Karlene
Breath!!!!
I'm glad the cook out and Memorial went well.
A lot of healing started.
Now you get the "MOM" lecture from me.
We are all human, yes even you. I have 4 teen-agers. It is a constant teen-age struggle to get them to do all of the things they need to do. They and you are still "kids" to "moms".
Do not regret now nor in the furture about the pudding or anything else. These are things kids have to learn. They do, and moms know this. Unfortunately for you, you learned the hard way. I am truely sorry for that, but take it, and use this lesson that your mom taught you now. Use that pudding as a learning lesson reminder. From today on, "live life likes it's your last day."
From now on, you will look at life with new eyes. Tell everyone that you love, that you love them. Tell them everytime you talk, not just on holidays. Take 15 min. and take your brother to the park for "alone time". If the dishes are dirty and the clothes need washed, guess what? I have done this for 30 years, I have the first hand, proof positive testamony,
THEY WILL NOT CLEAN THEMESELVES!!!!!!!! They will still be there dirty when you get home.
Teach you brother forgivness and humility. You can only do this if you teach yourself first.
Be mad at yourself today, then let it go. While your mom is still there, appologize to her. This is for you, after all she was the best mom, she already knew this.
Living with self imposed regrets will only hurt you and your brother. Think to yourself what it is you want your brother to learn from you. You know 1st hand how "kids" follow actions more than words. You know the old saying " Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work.
Okay, done with th Mom lecture.
A HUGE HHHUUUGGG, positive energy and love to you all.
Lots of love.
Karlene
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