Hating vs Forgiving, Whats the best thing to do to move on?

Permanent doubt · Post by **Permanent doubt** » Tue May 20, 2008 9:59 am

Hi all,

I just ended a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend some months ago but I'm having more trouble than expected (at least than what I expected) to move on. Things ended up quite bad, even if more for me who ate a lot psychologial trash than for her who came out practically unharmed, she was the one who left for 2 reasons mainly but I didn't get the whole truth of the things until some time after the break-up, and the truth hurt me much more than the break-up itself.

The thing is I don't love her anymore but I don't hate her either and that's what it's keeping me for moving on. I never had a relationship before but I had been in love of other girls (always unrequited) and by hating them(just in my head, not doing any harm of any kind to them) the feelings just went away reasonably "soon".

The problem is that in all that cases, nothing had happened but in this relationship even with all the bad things she had done to me, the good things over the 2 1/2 years of relationship still have some weight and prevent me to fully hate her to move on.

The option of forgive her for some things she did and said to me after the break-up looks even worse since we don't speak to each other so it's the same if I forgive her or I don't because she won't know and if I tell her she wouldn't give a damn about it, probably even get mad at me.

So that's how the situation is now, any other option or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks to all in advance!

Danny · Post by **Danny** » Tue May 20, 2008 10:10 am

spiritalk · Post by **spiritalk** » Tue May 20, 2008 2:57 pm

The opposite of love is not hate - they are both highly emotional.  The opposite of love is indifference.  When we can disappate those high emotions and see the situation dispassionately we have achieved indifference.

You are replaying the situation of this girlfriend over and over like a broken record.  You have nothing new to add, merely the past over and over.  That is like playing your favorite music until you get so sick of it you don't want to hear it again.  I would have to say this is a hard choice in the situation.

Do an exercise in release!  You need to release all this energy to move on.  See the person (place, thing) in a purple bubble.  Then see yourself in another purple bubble attached by a cord.  Visualize a pair of golden scissors and cut the cord.  When you do this the bubble will float away - allow it to go.  You will be releasing the whole situation and can begin to dismiss the random thoughts that cause the pain.

karlenespellman · Post by **karlenespellman** » Tue May 20, 2008 4:02 pm

I think you should worry about how you feel and not her feelings.
If it helps you to forgive, whether or not she knows, then do it.
I agree with spiritalk, you need to let the past be, and move on.

Lots of love to you.
Karlene

taraprincess · Post by **taraprincess** » Tue May 20, 2008 4:06 pm

sweetie here is a huge hug....much love and huggies

Permanent doubt · Post by **Permanent doubt** » Wed May 21, 2008 2:11 pm

Thanks to all for your answers and encouragement,

Spiritalk,

It's very interesting what you said about hate not being the opposite of love, I guess you are right because by hating someone you put energy, time and effort in hating that person but by ignoring her you just don't waste any of these things. It still amazes me how she got to that phase that fast I guess maybe she fell in love with someone new, who knows, who cares, not my problem anymore.

Your method looks great to achieve the goal of indifference which probably is the most convenient for me now like you said, I think I'm just a little bad at visualizating things but I'll try, any advice to improve my capacity of visualization?

soul_flower · Post by **soul_flower** » Thu May 22, 2008 2:32 am

I think its like that for most people...There is always someone who is "left behind" and who may seem to be suffering more....That is also the situation in my case....Im left mending myself and he is out with not a worry.....But who knows what they are going thru....Sometimes they suffer just as much but really who cares lol...Just say to yourself,i dont care im moving forward......I do agree you should not take her stuff on top of your own...Live for yourself,tell yourself you forgive her....Keep busy and bring things that make you smile into your life.....To hate someone is not moving on either,it can make things alot worse...Its such a negative emotion (i have now learnt)....Send her love and wish for her life to be a happy,healthy and good future....Cut your ties (in your head) and just get on with things.....I know its hard when you still feel something but it wont always be like that as time heals all.....You will be fine and one day she will just be a memory and you'll remember the good to help you in your future.......All the best....*huggles* to you and my love.

Tamara :o)

void · Post by **void** » Thu May 22, 2008 5:36 am

forgiveness is letting go

big hug for you

Permanent doubt · Post by **Permanent doubt** » Thu May 22, 2008 9:23 am

Thanks for your advices,

I feel so weak and ashamed of myself today, after reading spiritalk message I was decided to try that exercise and begin to move on but when the evening passed and the night came, I just felt like I wanted to call her one last time before both are indiferent to each other, I know is crazy but if I would have followed my ¿gut?¿hearth¿both? I would have made a terrible mistake, thank god I didn't do it but I begin to think I "like" being moaning all the time because I don't see another explanation.

Tamara,
Well of course I wished her the best when we broke-up, indeed I think I could have asked for giving another shot to our relationship and she could have agreed but at that time it was pointless, it was already obvious that she couldn't be as happy as she wanted with me so I preferred to "release" her to be fully happy which was always my intention.
Maybe the problem is that I don't to forget her completely even if I want to lose any feelings towards her that cause me pain, I just feel bad about the idea of a day when none of us ever remember anything of the other, it's just so...sad.

About forgiving her I'm sooo stupid that I can even believe that some of the things she did and said to me, weren't made with bad intention (probably that's the truth but that's even more disencouraging because then...well I wouldn't know what to believe of her anymore). It would be much easier if she thought she did something wrong...

dhav · Post by **dhav** » Thu May 22, 2008 11:16 am

Hi Permanent doubt,

Recently I placed a emotional healing technique in teh meditation and nind control forum.It is under the name of REM.You can have alook and try it.

I hope for you that you are out of the emotional confusion very soon.Hugs and love to you.

The more you give yourself love then youw ill receive more love.it's by experience I am saying that.

Dhav

soul_flower · Post by **soul_flower** » Fri May 23, 2008 5:03 am

Yes,sometimes its best to set people free and let them find their way....You also deserve to be loved the way you love and not to be hurt like that........Setting someone free to be happy isnt always letting go totally because you're the one who had so much love for this girl.....It sounds as tho you havent forgiven her and thats whats holding you back....You said it would make it easier if she at least felt bad about what she did....Maybe she does,who knows,everyone has different ways of dealing with their emotions and problems....But if you keep thinking those thoughts you wont get anywhere....I know it still hurts.....I was the one who broke it off too because the other wasnt happy....I was lied to aswell and hurt.....And this other person looks as if he doesnt care and even looks to be much happier without me...It stings........But i have finally had enough of feeling sorry for myself,i still have bad days and make myself sick at times....You have to pick yourself up,dust off and look for better things in life......The only way i have been able to start moving on is to tell myself i forgive him for me not being able to change him....And thats what it comes down to...He wasnt right for me so in the end i wanted him to be someone different,who didnt hurt me....But it wasnt meant to be........Like tourbi said in another hugs post,forgiving is setting you free,making things easier for you,not her....You wont totally forget her,no one can forget things if they choose not to.....Look at this as a learning step,take something out of it and think,well she came into my life for a reason.....Maybe to show me that little bit of love i have never felt before.......And after all only you know what it is you need to do,you know the inner feelings.....Time heals all....Sometimes the only way to get to heaven is to go thru hell....Personal hell or whatever it may be...You deserve to be happy again.

Tamara :o)

tourbi · Post by **tourbi** » Fri May 23, 2008 5:57 am

Forgiving is not easy.  It takes work.  It is to help the forgiver be free, not the person who you are forgiving.  What ever will happy with them will happen.
When we hate, the hatred affects us.  
When we hold on to bad feelings, we feel the bad feelings, they don't.
I understand the fact that it is not easy.
I understand that we have learned that forgiving is about the other person.  
IT IS NOT!!
It is about we who have been violated and need to be set free from the violator, from the fear and the pain and the hatred.
Forgiveness is for us to be able to love again. To get us out of the jail we want them to be in.
To me, it is best to forgive and let karma work.  
I don't want to end up in the same place with the person who violated me.  I don't want to become that person.
So........ I forgive so I can love, be loved and live and be free, so I can be happy.  
Just sharing what I have learned.

Raman Deep Singh · Post by **Raman Deep Singh** » Fri May 23, 2008 7:18 am

Hi Everyone,
I havent gone thru all the mails but would like to tell you what i believe in and what i always do. This is what i fel gives you soothing feeling and a great help too.

When someone hurst you, firts of all do a physical or visible act of deleting him/her from your life... Example :-
Delete his/ her phone number , delete him/her from your yaho/msn messenger. thro away snaps and gifts(if you can) and so on......

Now dedicate a whole day thinking about him/her.Think all good and bad things about him/her. Wanna abuse him/her do it . Wanna think how you cud have love her/him more , think it. Do every god /bad thinking about him/her..

AND NOW HERE IS THE REAL ANSWER............now TRY to make your feeling towards him/her most NEUTRAL..... make it so neutral that if that person sees you,it shudnt effect you. Dont think good or bad about him/her. Dont think about things you shud or wud have done .. Dont think about anything(as much as possible,i know it is difficult to do).

I know many of you end up saying that it is easy to say then do but i say if i can then anyone can......And this is the only way out and sionce you have put up ur feeling in the forum it means you dont just want everyone to know about it you also wana to do something about it.

So just go on and try this.
It will surely help.

Regards,
Raman

sdebhal · Post by **sdebhal** » Fri May 23, 2008 1:15 pm

Please don't ruin your life by dwelling on the past and on things you cannot change. Forgive your friend forgive yourself and move on. You can't live yesterday or tomorrow, just today, so believe its a wonderful world and enjoy each day as it comes. Have a wonderful life.

Permanent doubt · Post by **Permanent doubt** » Fri May 23, 2008 3:07 pm

Thanks all for your advices, techniques and support!

I really appreciate it, I'm having some problemns with my pc lately so that's why I can't talk a lot(I am in the work now) but I'd say that the basic problem I have with forgive her, is that even I have doubts that she didn't take the right decision on leaving me, on doing what she did after that and being harsh with me just for pushing me to move on forever (I know she did it for herself but I want to think well for change). So maybe there's not a lot to forgive anyway, the main problem I got and the hardest of resolve is just love myself more, I mean, after being fully loved by other person and feeling so well I should be just wishing not only to look for another girl who loves me but for me to love myself more but I always have cared more for the rest of the people than for me, I guess it's a mix of self steem plus with personality.

Anyway I want to improve in all the ways, be stronger, and more ready for the next relationship I don't want to be weak one anymore.

Thanks again to all!

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Hating vs Forgiving, Whats the best thing to do to move on?

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