A hole that won't go away

Marquitta · Post by **Marquitta** » Thu May 28, 2009 12:59 am

Hi everyone. I really need a huge hug because I am just depressed all the time. Now and again I will feel okay and feel happy, but it never lasts more than a day or two. Then I'm right back to feeling depressed. And I am often suicidal... almost every day I pray to die.... :( I'm so sick of feeling this way. But I feel like there's something wrong with me that can't be fixed. I feel like people have hurt me so much that it's damaged me somehow. The person I'm with makes me feel so uncared for... like I mean nothing sometimes. My friends, well they are never around. I feel like I'm dealing with all of this alone... like I'm just spending every day waiting to die because I don't have the nerve to make it happen myself... anything would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

sabbath siren · Post by **sabbath siren** » Thu May 28, 2009 2:55 am

Wow, that's a pretty large burden you've been carrying around, my dear.  I can relate to some of what you've said, having been through my own dark times in the past.  I know how exhausting that can be and how it feels to walk into a room full of people only to realize none of them know what you are going through inside.  It's a distance few can cross to reach you and, when you're so tired, giving up seems the kindest option.  I know it.
*brings you inside out of the rain and begins drying your hair*
Somehow I made it to today.  And, thinking back over it, if I had to try and give you the key to begin your way back, all I could tell you is that I found it somewhere in between a shift of focus  on gratitude (yes, gratitude while you are day dreaming of dying) and allowing the people who love me to see me at my worst.  Ugly though it was for them to see.  And it humbled me.  It helped me to acknowledge suffering where I saw it outside of myself with a new depth of empathy. Sometimes pain is a common denominator and it helped me to see that we all need to be nurtured by love.  At the beginning, before anything else, we are all worthy to receive it- even me.  Sitting here, now, I'm still surprised at how much of that love I was able to find already there waiting inside of me.
That joy is something I wish for you to have.  
I'm sending you some of mine to make you stronger.  
Love to you
Peta

kgirlsmomma · Post by **kgirlsmomma** » Thu May 28, 2009 12:01 pm

You are never alone.  Your spirit guides are always with you, but they don't help unless you are open, receptive and ready to receive .  You also need to believe you are worthy of abundance.  

We live in a world or learning classroom of opposites.  You have to experience dark to know light.  You ahve it within you.  You just have to dig deep and believe you are worthy.  Starting with the person you are with.  He is teaching you thru 'opposites' by feeling uncared for that you are worth of being cared for, or that is part of the lesson to be learned.    We are responsible for everything in our lives.  We create it.  We are not victims.  We create to learn.  Dig deep and follow your emotions back to the trail to the lesson to be learned.  

I believe you will find a deep pool of strength and courage if you allow your self to move forward and give up the 'I'm trapped and a victim' mentality.  Start by taking a break and leaving your current situation.  Perhaps to go back and live with other friends or parents, and seek some professional help in the meantime.  Suicide is a temporary solution.  When you cross the veil, you'll return to learn the lessons you need to learn; and perhaps you'll create a much harsher environment in which to learn them.

Find the unconditional love for yourself that is within.  Blessing to move forward in joy.

taraprincess · Post by **taraprincess** » Thu May 28, 2009 5:53 pm

sweetie here is a huge hug....much love and huggies

dhav · Post by **dhav** » Thu May 28, 2009 6:16 pm

HI Marquitta,

In this world we are by ourselves.No one knows really what is going on inside even though many have gone through same. It is by chance that we have frends by our side otherwise it's a world of 'Survival for the fittest'.Many will let you down,try to break you but you have to stand up again and again and make the right decision of ur life.I have been broken so many times but I have risen stronger.Don't let it bring you down. Dying will not ease it. You have this life to make something useful out of it.Don't waste it on people who doesn't care.Your frends are never there,then go out and seek for them.Maybe you unconsciously made them go.Bring the sunshine into ur life once again.

see ya and I pray you come back with full force and light.

dhav;-)

Marquitta · Post by **Marquitta** » Fri May 29, 2009 4:03 am

Thank you all soo so much. Your words have really helped me a lot and brought tears to my eyes. I just don't know how to bring my friends back, or attract/find new ones. :/

Rook · Post by **Rook** » Fri May 29, 2009 9:00 am

Hey Marquitta

I have found that throughout my lifetime people have come and gone into and out of my life.  Good friends part ways sometimes, and that is occasionally how it is meant to be.  I shared things in my childhood with people but after we parted ways and grew down different paths, when we were re-united it just didn't work.

I went through a period where I felt alone, friendless.  I can still remember the terrible feeling when I was house-sitting, on a day of great local celebration.  All around me the noise of parties, but me, I had not place to go, no place I belonged.  But it didn't last. A chance invitation through work for coffee and before you knew it I was inundated with people wanting to be my friend again.  That cycle too has passed and I am now establishing new friends as my life progresses.

Again I am more or less alone outside of my family (who keep me from being lonely, though my social life outside of that is minimal - we are as a family establishing a wider social circle) but having my family as well gives me the strongest sense of belonging I have ever felt.

In regards to finding / attracting new friends getting out there, taking up hobbies / interests is a good start.  Get out there and meet people.  Work / school is also a good place for this.  Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and take up something new, which can be fun in the mean time.  As for patching old relationships, I am not exactly an expert on this.  Not because of their failings, more mine.

Hope things improve,
Rook

hope999 · Post by **hope999** » Sun May 31, 2009 5:03 pm

Everyone goes through the pahses you are going through- as everyone has advised. Your need to remeber that loniliness and despiar WILL pass, even if it feels permanent at this moment in time.
I also felt friendless at one point - even posted it on mystic board. things turned around suddenly owing to chance meetings and taking the plunge with new hobbies etc and meeting new people.People worthy of me, people that are kind.
If the relationship you are in makes you feel worse- cut your losses and leave it to attract something worthy of you. Yes painful in short term - but less painful that long term suffering.
In the meatine, mystic board boasts SO many kind hearted and pure people you have many friends on here that will help you through.
Ensure that you try and make your life as happy as you can make it - a job you love,hobbies you love, friends that come from those hobbies will be worthy of you.
much love
xx

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A hole that won't go away

A hole that won't go away

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