need a hug and question about counselling

[caithiggs]

This is going to sound strange, but I need advice on how to ask others for advice.

Currently I'm going through a "demotion" in a relationship (that's what it feels like--he says it's not working, would like to end it after this two years, but we live together (for the past six months) and there is no indication to me that we are over, we are simply moving a step backward instead of a step forward, the way we relate to one another has not seemed to change, but either way, it hurts to be broken up with and I just don't agree with the decision! and I'm confused and upset, don't know where to go from here, etc. etc.)

I have a huge huge huge problem with vulnerability. I'm a very fragile person, but have learned in my life that to allow others to see this fragility is completely out of the question (at least my soul has learned this, obviously my logical mind is quite aware of the detrimental effects this way of feeling and being elicits!! But we live with our hearts, not our minds). Well basically, I want SO BADLY to move forward with this relationship and with my SELF, and grow into who I know I am meant to be, without these blocks and barriers, my inability to open up to anyone, express full self, even get in touch with many very important aspects of myself and my humanity, and relate with "other" and benefit and help others feel that way too. But I'm STUCK. Completely stuck.

For years I have fantasized about going to counseling and having someone help me find out how to live my life. But obviously there are the financial issues, but more importantly I don't trust other people to be on the right level or wavelength to help me. This feels really selfish. I'm not sure if I'm just shy or my fears are legitimate. But I don't feel I would connect with someone so that they could help me, even if I did find a councelor, therapist, life coach, spiritual healer, etc. I've dabbled in finding people, but only do one session and leave feeling disapointed and like I haven't found the right person to help me.

But I'm at a loss. Because I know my blocks are not possible to deal with independantly, but I can't even ask another human being for help? Not my SO, not a family member, not a friend, nobody. Because I'm afraid to open up with my own beliefs. I'm extremely protective also of my spiritual beliefs, and so won't let anybody in on them, not even spiritual healers or counsellors! Frankly, I don't know what is the matter with me. I think I'm ridiculous. I have NO idea what to do.

I'm really locked up this way because I grew up with bad social anxiety. And although I function in society just fine, and people seem to perceive me as outgoing, it's not the full me, and there is so much energy in me anxious and left over from my experience with severe social anxiety and that complete lockdown from the world around me. I'm also not connected very well to my physical body (though much better than when I was young). I also am too long winded when trying to express my problems! Because I know that what I'm trying to get at is fundamentally inexpressible!! (typical of melancholy). So, I'm just closed off, lost, I have no idea where to turn or where to start when it comes to trying to ask others for advice so that I can get on the path I really want to get on. Most counsellors would not share my spiritual beliefs, and I must have a fear that they would also judge me. But worse still, I know that I would judge them if I didn't like their approach. I don't know what to do with myself. :( I feel awful right now.

[suzisco]

Hey

first of all large hugs to you!!
I am sending you some very warm strong thoughts to get you through this.

In terms of counselling I don't think its counselling you need

It is my opinion that either psychotherapy would help you in terms of breaking down your barriers and allowing you to explore your issues in a safe environment that is non judgemental.

If that sounds too scary then I believe that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may help you imensely cope with whats going on around you.  its not an analysis of your life but a set of coping strategies that stop your thoughts from spiralling out of control and allow you to function better.  Once you have completed CBT it might be an idea to look at dynamic psychotherapy to deal with the deeper issues.

You live in Canada and I am unsure how you would access services as I live in the UK.
You perhaps may wish to talk to your General Practitioner about local services.

Counselling is different and is not psychology driven.

Hope this helps you in some way

Suzi