I believe all the answers are hidden (in plain sight) amongst the things/aspects of ourselves that we take for granted and just rely on a fresh approach to be recovered.
Numerology can help in our understanding.
anime89, check your PM folder.
Numerology; another aspect of myself I can hate
Moderators: eye_of_tiger, shalimar123
But ... now what?
I don't know.. I'm overextended and now am kind of burnt out =p. Into my last year in an engineering program, and I feel like I'm runnin' on empty. Maybe I've reached my limit mentally.
When I was younger, I was fairly open and insanely curious, started school 2 yrs early, all that crap. As I got older at some point I started alternating between lashing out at everyone and feeding my internal world. I used to swing from feeling understimulated to just confused with the workload, so my guess is that the expectations for me were set too high. But now I feel hollowed out. My schoolwork is on cruise control, and I usually feel slow and numbed out. Coupled with an ESXJ mom, who acts like I'm holding out on her or something, makes for some really fun times. Her usual trick is some pathetic attempt at a pep talk or some reverse psychology, but I'm just like LADY, I don't HAVE anymore to give. =/ I was raised by people who continue to have no understanding of me. I didn't cause much trouble growing up; I didn't act out or do anything really external. I used to overeat a lot though. I've always been good at hiding my real thoughts and problems, etc. I don't know if that's hurt or helped me, but at least being stuffed and checked out affords me a little downtime. I probably would've fallen into drugs if my household wasn't as strict and structured as it was.
Plus, therapy can be crap. My mom decided it was time for me to go, but when I went it was just some clown pushing useless, forced lines on me about potential and adjusting and loads of other nonsense. Never tried drugs though. I don't think that applying a neurochemical 'bandaid' would help much. When I was tired of stonewalling him biweekly I just built a better mask and moved on with my schoolwork. I mean I wanted to talk to him, but I knew that he'd never be able to help.
To a casual observer I'm chugging along in a good program, etc, etc, but I really don't know what I'm going to, except shuffle into some desk job (if I can find one nowadays), and keep internally tailspinning.
I dunno. I alternate between being half asleep and practically unaccessible to the outside world, and being somewhat resentful of my place in this world, feeling locked in, caged in and angry (like when I first wrote this thread).
When I was younger, I was fairly open and insanely curious, started school 2 yrs early, all that crap. As I got older at some point I started alternating between lashing out at everyone and feeding my internal world. I used to swing from feeling understimulated to just confused with the workload, so my guess is that the expectations for me were set too high. But now I feel hollowed out. My schoolwork is on cruise control, and I usually feel slow and numbed out. Coupled with an ESXJ mom, who acts like I'm holding out on her or something, makes for some really fun times. Her usual trick is some pathetic attempt at a pep talk or some reverse psychology, but I'm just like LADY, I don't HAVE anymore to give. =/ I was raised by people who continue to have no understanding of me. I didn't cause much trouble growing up; I didn't act out or do anything really external. I used to overeat a lot though. I've always been good at hiding my real thoughts and problems, etc. I don't know if that's hurt or helped me, but at least being stuffed and checked out affords me a little downtime. I probably would've fallen into drugs if my household wasn't as strict and structured as it was.
Plus, therapy can be crap. My mom decided it was time for me to go, but when I went it was just some clown pushing useless, forced lines on me about potential and adjusting and loads of other nonsense. Never tried drugs though. I don't think that applying a neurochemical 'bandaid' would help much. When I was tired of stonewalling him biweekly I just built a better mask and moved on with my schoolwork. I mean I wanted to talk to him, but I knew that he'd never be able to help.
To a casual observer I'm chugging along in a good program, etc, etc, but I really don't know what I'm going to, except shuffle into some desk job (if I can find one nowadays), and keep internally tailspinning.
I dunno. I alternate between being half asleep and practically unaccessible to the outside world, and being somewhat resentful of my place in this world, feeling locked in, caged in and angry (like when I first wrote this thread).
hang in there
Therapy is only for those who feel their indoctrination is more important than their free will.
A free mind needs to offer no excuses. No-one, NO-ONE has the right to medicate your mind except you and then only when you chose.
Therapy is not for you. You are sharp and very intelligent. The mere fact that someone else lacks understanding does not give them the right to interfere with your thoughts and questions.
You need to carefully vet seed thoughts that emanate from others who would see you as their carbon copy or their experiment. (Especially therapists)
It boils down to accepting your developmental stage and not trying to fast track your enlightenment. No-one at your age has a clear vision of their future path.
However, you can gain insight over time if you don't deny what feels right for you.
After training for years in electronics, I realised that it was useful but not crucial to my development. I felt exactly like you. Then I met a truly free spirited person in a social situation who said that above all everybody should desist from striving for un-attainables. (i.e. someone else's goals) He showed me in simple ways how to disengage from the stress of competing for others approval. The decision to disengage is the fire that tempers iron into steel. He left me with a phrase that sums it up.
"I just be and in being I flow!"
What this means is that you need to stop running other peoples software through your brain. The template of your mind was forged as a development to any previous generation. Very much like WindowsXP was an improvement on WindowsNT. Some NT programs will simply not run on the later and better equipped XP architecture. The answer is you are unique in your time and (of course) out of date methods will not cut it.
You can chose to medicate yourself into submission or simply step outside the worn-out paradigm and do what you feel is right.
You may make mistakes but in reality everyone does and deserves the right to make them.
I think your first post was magical. It was engaging and has done me a great service by distracting me from my immediate stresses and causing me to realize so much. I have two 19y/o daughters who are ready to move out and I have been vacillating between letting go and allowing them to make mistakes or trying to maintain levels of assistance. I have known all along that what would be best for them would also be the hardest for me. Thinking about you're posts has shown me my own need to disengage from pre-conceived ideas once again and allow them to "flow". (Thank you so much for that, I needed reminding!)
As you develop you will realize the problem lies with the myths around which earlier generations have built their lives. This is an awesome time to be living through as the dogma of the middle ages finally can be seen for what it is.
Strip away the dogma, including all out-moded belief systems. Believe in yourself, have faith only in your ability to understand. This is not the age for BLIND FAITH. Trust your senses! (Beware of advertising in any form as it is, in fact, a form of behavioral therapy)
Above all, I feel you should be more guarded, when you discuss your inner thoughts with those who may be too close...LEST THEY JUDGE YOU!
If you feel put upon or be-seiged by the aneristic forces that surround you then you need to laugh more. maybe explore the eristic side of reality. I find the discordian view to be a great release from seriousness. There are some good sites on the web if you care to google "discordian society"
good luck!
A free mind needs to offer no excuses. No-one, NO-ONE has the right to medicate your mind except you and then only when you chose.
Therapy is not for you. You are sharp and very intelligent. The mere fact that someone else lacks understanding does not give them the right to interfere with your thoughts and questions.
You need to carefully vet seed thoughts that emanate from others who would see you as their carbon copy or their experiment. (Especially therapists)
It boils down to accepting your developmental stage and not trying to fast track your enlightenment. No-one at your age has a clear vision of their future path.
However, you can gain insight over time if you don't deny what feels right for you.
After training for years in electronics, I realised that it was useful but not crucial to my development. I felt exactly like you. Then I met a truly free spirited person in a social situation who said that above all everybody should desist from striving for un-attainables. (i.e. someone else's goals) He showed me in simple ways how to disengage from the stress of competing for others approval. The decision to disengage is the fire that tempers iron into steel. He left me with a phrase that sums it up.
"I just be and in being I flow!"
What this means is that you need to stop running other peoples software through your brain. The template of your mind was forged as a development to any previous generation. Very much like WindowsXP was an improvement on WindowsNT. Some NT programs will simply not run on the later and better equipped XP architecture. The answer is you are unique in your time and (of course) out of date methods will not cut it.
You can chose to medicate yourself into submission or simply step outside the worn-out paradigm and do what you feel is right.
You may make mistakes but in reality everyone does and deserves the right to make them.
I think your first post was magical. It was engaging and has done me a great service by distracting me from my immediate stresses and causing me to realize so much. I have two 19y/o daughters who are ready to move out and I have been vacillating between letting go and allowing them to make mistakes or trying to maintain levels of assistance. I have known all along that what would be best for them would also be the hardest for me. Thinking about you're posts has shown me my own need to disengage from pre-conceived ideas once again and allow them to "flow". (Thank you so much for that, I needed reminding!)
As you develop you will realize the problem lies with the myths around which earlier generations have built their lives. This is an awesome time to be living through as the dogma of the middle ages finally can be seen for what it is.
Strip away the dogma, including all out-moded belief systems. Believe in yourself, have faith only in your ability to understand. This is not the age for BLIND FAITH. Trust your senses! (Beware of advertising in any form as it is, in fact, a form of behavioral therapy)
Above all, I feel you should be more guarded, when you discuss your inner thoughts with those who may be too close...LEST THEY JUDGE YOU!
If you feel put upon or be-seiged by the aneristic forces that surround you then you need to laugh more. maybe explore the eristic side of reality. I find the discordian view to be a great release from seriousness. There are some good sites on the web if you care to google "discordian society"
good luck!
Alien theory..
I've never tried to go with the flow. I'm too afraid that if I relax I might miss something integral to my "success". I want to travel after school, but I'm not sure under what premises. Kind of tired of being an "engineer". I want to actually understand and enjoy the subject, and put it to use. Yes, I agree with holding them off; I think modern psychology is part of the larger framework of the modern world, trying to convince everyone that if you're not chasing the glittering crap with a huge smile on your face, you've got a problem. After 'therapy' I tried a mental health forum. It was full of complacent people; you could sense the zoned out through the computer screen. I decided it wasn't the place for me.
I have a fuzzy idea of what I want to do...it becomes clear for an instant and disappears again. Like chasing a wild hare, or a butterfly...or a phoenix. :smt013 My mind feels like a team of wild Herculean horses. If only I could get them to settle down so we could go somewhere! I envy my friends; theirs are all trained ponies / stallions. :smt011
I will try your suggestion. I feel like my 'field' hasn't been created yet. I guess that's the 11 pinnacle @ work. I have an 11 life path, but a 6 destiny number, which is weird because I don't feel the whole cooperativeness of a 2, or the deep sense of family / service of the 6. I'm mostly wary of others or quite reserved and introverted.
Good luck with your daughters. Have faith that you've taught them right and raised them right, and let them surprise you. :smt003 :smt002
I have a fuzzy idea of what I want to do...it becomes clear for an instant and disappears again. Like chasing a wild hare, or a butterfly...or a phoenix. :smt013 My mind feels like a team of wild Herculean horses. If only I could get them to settle down so we could go somewhere! I envy my friends; theirs are all trained ponies / stallions. :smt011
I will try your suggestion. I feel like my 'field' hasn't been created yet. I guess that's the 11 pinnacle @ work. I have an 11 life path, but a 6 destiny number, which is weird because I don't feel the whole cooperativeness of a 2, or the deep sense of family / service of the 6. I'm mostly wary of others or quite reserved and introverted.
Good luck with your daughters. Have faith that you've taught them right and raised them right, and let them surprise you. :smt003 :smt002
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