Is there a light to this dark tunnel?

[stephsmith221]

I never ever post anything about my life or my misfortunes b/c i hate feeling sorry for myself and having ppl feel sorry for me. But lately i dont know what else to do. i feel like im lost and have no direction and my world is slowly falling down on me. I am 27 yrs old and i have 3 children whom i raise by myself. I am married, but my husband left me in november b/c he was tired of all the arguing we did, which resulted to him never being home b/c he'd rather be at the bars or w/ his friends. I have a 7 yr old boy who has ADHD and is extremely angry w/ the world, just lashes out w/ mean behavior causing me to be mean and yell at him and say horrible things i dont mean. I have a 2 yr old boy who throws the worst temper tantrums and is very clingy to me and never gives me a moments peace. and last, i have a 2 month old daughter who never stops crying and when she finally sleeps, it seems restless and uncomfortable, keeping me from getting sleep b/c i just know she will be waking up at any minute. My husband left me when i was 2 months pregnant w/ our daughter and sees the children everyother weekend. Money is tight, im not working right now and havnt been for 2 1/2 yrs b/c of the kids. at first he was making good money. i get his whole paycheck and pay all HIS bills w/ it and take whats left for me and the kids. when he left, he left all his bills and i take the time to pay them for him even though i do not have to, my name is on nothing except my own little things. the house is his but i live in it and continue to pay HIS mortgage for him on time every month. the last few paychecks hes been getting have been $1000 short of what he usually makes causing problems getting bills paid and groceries in the house.. its been 2 months since ive been grocery shopping b/c the money just hasnt been there. but this isnt about the money, its about me feeling like i dont want any part w/ my kids, like im going thru some type of depression and yes, i have heard of post partum depression and i have an appt to see a dr on wednesday, but i just dont feel like this is worth it anymore.

on a brighter note, they are two guys who are interested in me, and im interested in both.. they do not know about each other and its not serious w/ either one yet anyway, but now i dont know what to do or who to choose or whos right for me or which one is better. im a pisces and one is a virgo and the other a libra. dont know if that matters, but i thought id put that out there. i do not see either one of them, its just over the phone and text messages for now.  im stuck b/c i dont even know if i wanna even be bothered w/ this at all and i cant tell if its b/c im depressed or what. i literally feel pain in my head. a bad headache that wont go away. i had everything i ever wanted in my life just a year ago and it was taking away from me just as fast as i was blessed w/ it. now im a different person, more angry and violent. i dont know what to do anymore and im about to just give up  b/c it would be so much easier. there are alot more things bothering me regarding these issues, but i cant even sit here and do it anymore, just writing all of this makes me sick. but thanks for listening anyway.. i dont even know why i posted this!

[Rhutobello]

Yes you really need a big Grandpa hug.....your story is hard and I can understand that you many a time can be frustrated.
But if you look at it this way, then it seems it was good your husband left. This I say because he didn't do anything positive in your relation, and the fact that he ran out with his "friends" instead of helping you lead to frustration for both parts....this might then be picked up by the kids...which again can lead to frustration by them.
The arrangement you have now is not ideal, but at least they don't see the quarrel.

It's very important that you search for all positive energies you can find. As I have stated to many before....negativity burn your energy and makes you last shorter.
It also prevent you from meeting people with positive attitude because they avoid negativity...because they can feel the consume of their energy.

For those 2 you are talking to by phone and messages. Be careful to build to high expectation....if it fail and you have build air castles then it will bring you down in the cellar. Take everything positive you can get from the relation....but be aware that it might just be a flirt or that they have no thoughts about commitment.

I really hope life will smile to you soon....but in the meantime all I can give is another Grandpa Huuuugggg!

[Evie]

Stephsmith221

First thing for you is a BIG (((HUG))) and nice long rub on your back and a kiss on your forehead too.  :smt003

You need help hun! I am so happy you were able to express yourself in the safety of this forum.  Keep on talking it out... I know it is painful for you, but this lessens the more you share.

I know you want to be a good mother but the frustrations of your life are getting to you. I am going to go along with Post Natal Depression and am happy to note that you are looking into this possibility ASAP.  A restless and cranky baby, plus a two year old with tantrums and an angry seven year old... a husband who has left the family home all add up to incredible stress.

Please don't give up! You are stronger than you realise... anyone would reach a breaking point under these conditions. Please please please tell your Doctor EVERYTHING! There may be some respite help for you so you can get out at least a few hours a week and have a break.

I also hope someone is helping you with your son's ADHD... his life is hard too. I know you are having financial burdens and therefore he may not be getting the proper foods to keep his mind healthy. Unfortunately when poor-ish food choices are not always the best.  Sorry hun, I know you are doing your best with the little you have, and I NOT suggesting the children are going hungry ... not at all, but many foods are known to have a bad effect on children. Sugar, white flour and pastas all are culprits. Pay attention to how his moods change 20 - 30 minutes after eating. His anger is not your fault or his.  Help with his diet should show positive results with in a week.

On a lighter note... LOL ... the attention of the two men is uplifting and very good for your self esteem.  Makes you feel lovable after all, doesn't it? A nice diversion from the problems you are facing and I don't fault you one bit for needing this at this time.  However, you have to fix all that is wrong in your home situation before you bring another into your life.  

I suspect that  when your home life is calmer, and it will be... (I assure you)  that your husband will be spending more time with you and the children and you will not be doing this all alone, anymore.

One more thing... get out of the house hun... the two eldest children need to run run run and spend their energy. The fresh air will do everyone good and you will feel less trapped.

I wish for you PEACE
Evie

[lunarcraft]

I am sending you a HUGE hug - I hope it will combine with the hugs from Rhuto and Evie, and their brilliant advice.

You ARE strong - believe in yourself but also seek and accept what help is available ... you are not alone and you don't have to cope alone.  By accepting help and support, you are not failing ... just the opposite.  It takes strength to admit that things are getting tough and to seek support.  You have made a brilliant start here - keep it up ... that's what we are here for.

Another set of HUGE hugs for you and your family.

Brightest Blessings

Sarah

[tyleremory]

My hat goes off to you.  I am a single parent also and at times when I am stressed I sometimes feel all alone.  Know that giving up is not an option.  Also know that for what ever reason we create what is going on in our life.  So consider this point a time for growth and know that you are up to the challange.  When you get through it you will be proud of the progress that you have made as a person.  That's great that you are going to seek a doctor's help also ask him to refer you to a social worker whom might might be able to offer support or other suggestions to lessen the stress.  No matter how chaotic it may seem picture the life that you want to the finest detail.  Don't worry about how you are going to get there just picture what you would like your end result to be.  Do this first thing in the morning before getting out of bed..Through out the day when time permits and at night before falling asleep.  Picture every-detail.  Good Luck
Todd

[Global_Breeze]

I am a pisces and I have been in your shoes. There was a time in my life when I was so wrapped up in what was going on around me that I completely and utterly forgot one thing.......

                  GOD LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!

...people will let us down, they will step on our hearts and leave us drained and exhausted and alone. Most people are selfish and don't give a damn about others, they will take what you let them take and they will tell you what you want to hear.  I know this, I was a dormat for many years until I realized that God said that every human being on this planet "was fearfully and wonderfully made in his image".  Do you know what that means, it means that if we are made in his image that we are "more than a conqueror", that we are "covered in his blood" and that if we just believe in him that we can and will be protected.  That means your mind, body and soul will be protected from all outside negative forces.  I don't know what your religious beliefs are or what God you pray to if any, I do know that prayer works. Prayer has gotten me back on the right track of not worrying about choosing the right man because God will do that for me. He will send that special someone in my life, I don't have to worry about that task. I don't have to worry about choosing the right job, he will do that for me. I don't have to worry about my child, he will protect him and keep him safe too.  I had to learn the hard way that life is only hard if you make it hard and that if our focus is placed in God's hands at all times, then nothing that we do or say should be done in an ungodly manner. God doesn't "bless mess". He honors those who honor his words. Try stepping back from your problems for a moment and ask for guidance from your God. Don't feel like you're alone in this struggle. God will bring the right people to you in the right time.  Just open your heart to the blessings that are awaiting you. ASK, SEEK, AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF GOD'S HEART, he will hear you and you will be in a much better place emotionally, physically, mentally, and otherwise. Don't beat yourself up, don't waste another minute letting the negative forces of life drain you from your self-worth....life wasn't meant to be a struggle....I am sending you a big hug and I will put you in my prayers....just know and believe that.....GOD'S GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Angelique]

Hi stephsmith,

I'd like to start off with a big hug for you and to tell you that you're going to get through this just like you have gotten through every other obstacle in your life. You have to believe this, because if you reflect on your past, you know you have made it through and there is light at the end of the tunnel each time. There will be light at the end of this tunnel as well, I promise you. Life is cyclic and it has it's ups and downs and this is a down time. But what goes down must come up eventually.

I'm not sure where you live but ADHD or even ADD is a difficult but you can find a rhythm and help is available if you are in the USA, I am not sure about other countries. However, if your son is not receiving aid because you don't think you can afford it, the local school districts in your area can direct you as well as local organizations who fund help for children if they are not receiving the care they need to help them get through it.  You also may want to search some forums for children who have ADHD and ADD for support, advice and tips on diet which can really affect a child diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. I personally believe too many children are being diagnosed and labeled as having a disease when it could be a simple change in their diet, constructive discipline, focus and getting them involved in activities they really enjoy. That is not to say it your case, but personally I have noticed 7 out of 10 of my friends kids have been diagnosed with it, to me that is a very high number in comparison to the generation I grew up in. If you haven't found any forums or local organizations that can help you free, please send me a PM and I would be more than happy to help you research it.

Your separation is so fresh that of course you are going to feel angry, confused, betrayed, and the whole kit and kabootle of emotions that accompany the different phases you are feeling moment to moment. Your wounds are still fresh, so one day you're going to feel fine, the next a different emotion will surface and it's a part of the coping mechanism and healing part of moving forward because you're still bouncing back and forth with emotional tides. It's not easy what you are going through, I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel at times, especially with your responsibilities and I do not envy your position at all. But I do know you will survive this, come out stronger, wiser and things WILL get better.. it's just going to take time. And don't carry this burden by yourself, share it... talk about it because it is unhealthy to keep it all inside of you.

As for the two men, don't worry about who to choose right now. Just enjoy your life... if you are interested in both, there is no law that says a single woman has to be exclusive with anyone, or that you have to choose one or the other. If you enjoy both their company, date both and enjoy their company and the attention you are getting, it will boost your self-esteem, and  you'll have an enjoyable day or night out with hopefully some good conversation and laughs, which is good for the soul. If you want, be clear with them that you aren't ready for anything serious right now... and remember, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, you only have one keeper and that's you; they aren't your keeper so you owe no one an explanation unless you feel you want to share it. Just enjoy yourself, the company and have fun, you deserve to have that.

Things will get better, it's just going to take time... ::big hugs::

Angelique

[versaille]

Hi Im sending you a huge bubble of love and light from Melbourne Australia and YES I do know why you've even bothered to 'emote' here, you really really needed to and Im sure you'll get a lot of loving helpful advice and healing as a consequence.

First go easy on yourself, three young children at your age is a huge responsibility let alone achievement, and yes you probably do have a bit of Post partum depression, plus with a husband's treatment of you like that, no doubt a lot of grief has set in...anger itself is really an externalising of suppressed grief, and why wouldnt you have felt that - having been abandoned during a pregnancy?   As a naturopath and nutritionist myself I concur with what Evie posted, in that although money is very tight, ITS VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN GET NUTRTIOUS FOOD, because just because one eats doesnt mean they are being properly nourished.  Therefore in AHDD its been proven that FOOD COLORINGS, ADDITIVES, PRESERVATIVES AND DEVITALISED FOODS, like white flour, white sugars especially and icecream etc set off the temper tantrums of the kids.

I know money is very tight, but truly I've proved over and over again that excellent nutrition can come from very cheap but wholesome foods.  Replace white rice with brown rice, cook in hot water and a bit longer, use OATS to make porridge and homemade muesli (adding cornflakes and sultanas), give the kids dried fruits, apricots, sultanas etc instead of sweets,  use watered down natural fruit juices (pineapple is excellent) instead of any cordials or syrups, go easy on whole milk and use more yogurt and cheeses.  Making casseroles with kideny beans, or lentils is highly nutritous and good meat replacement - plus using tuna and especially salmon (which is very high in OMEGA 3 and proven to ease ADDH and improve memory) is especially good, even if in tins and cheap.
IF you can afford FLAXSEED OIL (or Linseed as its called sometimes) and take it yourself 1 teasp twice per day, and give to the children 1/2 teaspoon twice a day, maybe in a litte milk...then this is very high i Omega 3, Omega 6 and OMEGA  9 and will give great improvement to your health.

On a final note - try and take some quiet time to nurture and love yourself, a bubble bath AND and an early night - do wonders to nurture the spirit.   Plus, although its great for you to get the admiration of a couple of guys....seriously ask yourself whether you are healthy enough emotionally and mentally to enter into a friendship with either - try to look at the ramifications of it all, whether or not it could bring problems or not.
MEANWHILE - they (whovever 'they' are) say that our High Self, soul, or whatever, never gives us more than we can handle, and that we've chosen for whatever reasons the situations for the learnings we need in this lifetime.  However, I believe its right to get all the help one can but also to recognise at the same time the 'gifts' that must be there somewhere.   You have done an amazing job already bringing three new wonderful beings into this world, never downgrade your part in the scheme of things...in the words of Desideralda "...you are a child of the universe, YOU have a right to be here etc."

love and light, Versaille

[versaille]

Hi from Versaille, again..........I forgot a PS, as a practioner I've found that Flower essences, the Bach ones
and the FES ones do wonders for the emotional upsets so even if you can only get hold of Rescue Remedy, then
so be it, that would do you a lot of good...drug free remedies.

OR you could call a practioner a homoeopath or naturopath and ask if you could just purchase a few of them of
them or where to purchase the rescue remedy (some practioners, IF they know that money is tight , will let you
just buy some of the remedy without charging a consultation fee.

Hope this is helpful to you, love and light Versaille

[taraprincess]

here is a huge hug for u sweetie

[Crow]

From one Pisces mom to another, my heart goes out to you.  Both of my oldest children 9, and 3 were extremely tempermental.  I found that by going into the bathroom and turning on the shower, and just listening to the sound of running water it helped me a lot!  Also thinking of a calm beach, watching the waves come and go, and remembering the feeling how it felt to just drift along the calming waves helped bring some peace so I could sleep.  This was rare, since they loved to cry every hour on the hour.  So I would feed, burp, change diaper, and try to soothe.  If that didn't do the trick I had to retreat into the bathroom and listen to the shower running all the while crying myself silly.  I'd return when I was calmed down enough to pick her up, and try to soothe her once again.  Repeating the process if necessary.  I hope this trick can help you.  

Something I cut out of a baby magazine, and taped onto the swing that I would put my crying daughter into, went something like this.  Children that are more tempermental, and cry alot tend to become leaders.  They are showing you their determination by these cry fests.  It does get better.  Just keep reminding yourself that this will not last forever.

You didn't mention anthing about family, so I wonder if you were in the same boat as I was.  I don't know if there is any place where you could go that would help you have a break from the kids.  Any support groups that offer free daycare, even if it is just an hour that might help you out.   And when your daughter has less crying fits, you might want to explore working part time.   It can make you feel empowered again.  That's what it sounds like you are dealing with.  With the added burdens thrown upon you, it can wear you down so fast.  

I too am glad that you are going to the Dr to see if there is anything they could do to help.  My b-friend of 14 years did just that.  Her hubby left when she was 6mths preg.  And I remember her calling me up and being so scared that she was at an all time low.  Her oldest son has ADHD too.  She felt like leaving her babies.  Totally out of character since she is one of the most loving people I know.  The first medication didn't help, made things worse.  But then her doctor tried another, and she came out of the tunnel that you describe.  So if you find yourself not being helped, the point is keep trying.  

As to the men you describe take all the affection you can get!!  This is put into your life to remind you that you are still desirable.  Something we can loose when the men in our lifes are big drunks.  Sometimes they can say things that hurt us so deeply.  So flirt away, but becareful to gaurd your heart.  If you ever need to vent, or talk, please feel free to contact me via email.  ((Big Hug))

[Peter Colin Watson]

Hi Steph, My advice for what it is worth is to take a deep breath and see your doctor and explain everything. don't go chatting to guys you don't know over the internet there is enough con merchants out there as it is, and you have to think of your own safety as well as your kids.
The only way to resolve anything is to sit down with hubby and be absolutely honest and frank with him as well as yourself, possibly get a friend of both of you who you both trust, to help mediate. Honesty and Truth with each other is the corner stone here.
What has been expected, done, not done or said should be addressed in a calm ADULT manner shouting and arguing never resolves anything. Remember you and your husband have a huge responsiblity towards your kids it doesn't fall on just one pair of shoulders and they are the ones that will bare the brunt of all the hostility now and in their future and is why TRUTH must out no matter how hurtful it my seem at the time, you can work around truth and honesty, anger and hostility resolves nothing but the same old merrygoround, more anger more frustration.

I really hope this will be of some benifit for you all I wish you well and every success and that your life becomes a changed and very much happier one.               Sincerely   Peter

[kira]

Hi Steph,

Definitely there will be light. Where there is dark, there is light too and it would be better to think on the light than the dark. Big hug to you too!

[suzisco]

You got lots of great advice.  I hope some of it has helped.

A hug to you.

Suzi

[symulhaque]

There is always a light inside a darkness. All you need to do is just explore the light from the dark.