despair

erratiqirl83 · Post by **erratiqirl83** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:44 am

I don't come onboard often and I never have much to offer so I hardly dare to ask for anything but I am desperate, for which I am ashamed.

I want to be a good person, I want to make people happy, I want to be a joy in people's lives, instead I piss people off because I don't know how to be social.

I have been going on for only 24 years and only the past few have really been a pain. I know how much worse it can be, but I don't really want to sit around and experience that.

I try to accept things, I try to stay positive, then I remember it it impossible to try, either I do or I don't.

All the good advice I've been given, all the hands that meant to help, everything and still.

I think to myself, it's all my own fault, it's not life that's so terrible, it's how I perceive it, it's the way I think about it that makes it so. So I tell myself to think positive, I tell myself to keep going, to relax, to accept and be grateful.

I feel tense and I don't know if the aching is physical or mental stress.

I just don't know what to do anymore because I just don't know what's the matter and on the one hand good news yet on the other not so good at all, the psychiatrist declared me mentally sane, just emotionally under developed for my age. So now what.

I don't know what I'm asking for, a miracle maybe ?

Tanx anyway for allowing me to express this here,

Jasz

karlenespellman · Post by **karlenespellman** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:31 pm

Hi Sweetie,

Don't be ashamed, that's why we are here.
Keep up the positive thoghts and looking for what you need to do.

A HUGE HHHUUUGGG, positive energy, and love to you.
Karlene

dhav · Post by **dhav** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:54 pm

Take it easy.Don't pressurize yourself by thinking why u did bad.Everyone is allowed to make mistake.Be lenient to yourself.Love yourself is the most important thing.Send positive things.Positive will come back.It's only a learning process.when you have learnt  what is meant it will stop.

the day you will balance your light and dark side you will feel stable.when u suppress your dark side it gets out really bad when unleashed.Balance is the key.

dhav

jlo · Post by **jlo** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 5:40 pm

Awwww erratiqirl83 ... I am also trying hard to be positive . Sometimes I feel very low but I'm not giving up . Please don't be so hard on yourself .

Sending you a huge hug

taraprincess · Post by **taraprincess** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:03 pm

sweetie here is a huge hug and stay positive and it will be better for u... we are all here for u...u are a wonderful person...much love and huggies

pirbid · Post by **pirbid** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:12 pm

Hello, Erratiqirl! The good thing about this place is that I meet many people in similar trouble to mine, so I do not feel so alone.

I am also slowly turning into a hermit and I am now in counseling. They tell me something similar to what they told you: that we did not learn to get the knack of certain feelings way back in childhood, so have to learn it now in order to be happier. Does that ring a bell?

Apparently I tend to protect myself from every thing and every one just in case. I am a bit like the lizards in Pravin's recent post (how it made me laugh  :smt005 ). I also notice that tension you mention whenever I have to spend some time among people I have not chosen as companions (i.e. at work, sometimes): in my case it begins on the jaw (probably from trying hard not to say what I think, or from smiling falsely  :smt003 ). Then it gradually expands down the neck, shoulders and between the shoulder blades. I also get stomach cramps, but that is when the situation is tense for all concerned.

The only thing that helps once I have reached this sorry state, is to get up and stretch (in private, whenever possible, like the toilet). Sometimes even dance or do some frantic movements of arms and legs to shake the tension away.

People here are telling me to meditate, visualize, etc, but I have never been good at that and usually these fits take me by surprise.

But, back to what matters... Huge hugs to you!  :smt056

erratiqirl83 · Post by **erratiqirl83** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:47 pm

Thanks everyone for the hugs, a smile is slowly creepin up onto my face.

And Pirbid thanks for the tip, I think stretching will be helpful for me too, I used to exercise a lot before which always kept me relaxed and strong, but since I hit an all time low I have become to anxious to return to the gym, even going for a jog, I seem to lack the motivation nowadays, but I am confident that it will return. I seem to go back and forth between these high's and lows.

Hugs back for everyone,

Jasz

soul_flower · Post by **soul_flower** » Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:18 pm

The fact you went and seeked some help was great,alot of people dont when they need a helping hand.......Do you do anything in your day to day life that you actually enjoy? Even tho you said you lack motivation that might have a little to do with not having fun etc.......Im not saying thats the key to making yourself feel great again but it can help.Taking your mind off all the yuck stuff you feel can do wonders for ya......When we get in these holes we get deeper and deeper and before you know it you have dug a hole so deep it looks like there is no way out,but there always is,just takes time.......But dont be so hard on yourself,breathe,relax and go for a nice walk in the bush or something with nature.....Sit under a tree and take in all the smells and the trees.....Maybe go to a spiritual church as sometimes they have healers who might be able to guide you and ease your emotions............I hope things pick up for you soon,keep the smile on your dial..... :D

Heres some *huggles* and positive energy and love going to you.

Tamara :o)

lluvia · Post by **lluvia** » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:16 am

hi sweetie pie,be loving n gentle to your self,live isnt easy,remember your were born ,then you learn to turn over ,sit ,craw,stand up,then walk,so take it as it comes,learn all this all over,be your self,do things that makes you happy,not any body else.i want to tell you that i love you,like a mom lluvia

erratiqirl83 · Post by **erratiqirl83** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:16 am

More thanks, what can I say.
I realized something today,
I guess it's true, what you give is what you get,
I'm not a mean person by heart,
but I have a hard time giving,
even though it's because I think I don't have much to give,
a few months ago I read this book by Deepak Chopra on the 7 rules of succes.
I found it liberating, that by simply wishing people good things in silence
I could give without actually interacting and I must admit during that brief period,
I was in the mental hospital because the anxiety got so bad I was afraid to be alone,
I was feeling so happy, even though I was't interacting with many people.

Now I live in a house with other people, but I don't feel any connection or whatever,
it's such a different situation, it's never quiet, I feel as depressed as ever, I wish it wasn't true.

I don't know what I would even want to do, I want to feel the sunshine burning on my skin,
but all I get is rain, ok that's a lie, the sun is shining, but it's cold.
I am not going outside much these days, I wish I could, I wish I did.

I've been reading so much about how your thoughts affect your reality and I am aware
that I've fallen back in this negative spiral and how it's only making things worse,
I was going up, I was feeling better and now, it seems I'm just filled with self-loathing again.
And the worst part is, I get mad at other people too and then I'm reminded that my anger towards
others says more about myself than them which makes me feel even worse about myself.

If it really were so easy to be happy, why can't I  ?

After all, apparently it's not the situation I'm in that makes me sad, it's my view on life,
then again . . . beating myself up about my negative attitude doesn't help either.

It's all a matter of perspective and I keep going from one to the next, it's confusing me madly.

So I want to send thanks to everyone who cares and to those who don't as well,
I want to wish everyone well,
I want to wish everyone happiness, joy and peace.

Then I wonder, do I really wish people this, or am I just saying this in the hope that it will get back to me,
after all, it's not just what you wish for, it's about your intention as well and if I don't mean what I wish for,
I won't get what I intent.

But I am truthful, I mean no harm, I wish I could make everyone happy, I wish I could create world peace,
but I kinda wish a little bit of happiness for myself as well.

karlenespellman · Post by **karlenespellman** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 4:36 pm

HI Erratiigirl,

Follow your heart and stop second guessing yourself. You are on the right track, you know you need to be positive, and it sounds like you are at least half of the time. That's good. Follow your instincts.

You do get back what you give. You sound like a very giving person. If you don't want to interact with people, do it here. I think you have a lot of good to offer. I'd like to get to know you better.

Lots of love to you. Pm me if you'd like.

Karlene

erratiqirl83 · Post by **erratiqirl83** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 5:01 pm

tanx, karlene,
I really hope you're right.

I'll try to give instead of moan, I might find that more helpful.

Certainly hope so.

karlenespellman · Post by **karlenespellman** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 5:24 pm

It is more helpful and happier too.
But we're here for the moaning when you need to vent.
Lots of love
Karlene

Angel_TruthSeeker · Post by **Angel_TruthSeeker** » Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:31 pm

Dear Erratiigirl,

All of us at one point or another have felt like moaning.....and trust me...we all moan at one time or another.

Continue to stay positive, its okay if you dont want to socialize.  It seems that you are socializing here:-)  Sometimes we just want to vent and then you come back to these messages that are posted and see/feel the love that someone has sent back to you.  

Just by the fact that you are "questioning" says a lot about you.  Sending you hugs and positive energy to you.

Have a beautiful day, smile and give yourself a big hug!
Love & Light
AT

erratiqirl83 · Post by **erratiqirl83** » Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:12 pm

tanx for the hugs and support.
I am feeling so much better today and
I have been socializing, all be it on msn,
suddenly people are getting in touch
and I find myself overwhelmed with the love that surrounds me,
what did I do to deserve this ?
But I'm not complaining, I'm just grateful, very grateful,
just have to make sure I don't mess with people's heart,
which I do not intent to,
but I feel torn in two different directions,
feeling the desire to give all of me to everyone,
but I simply can't do that,
it wouldn't be fair...

I'm not being very spiritual, am I?
I don't know much about spirituality,
I just want to learn,
because I'm convinced there is much to be gained here,
but I don't know where to start and how,
anyhow, I'll see, gonna try practicing patience before all else,
take it all one step at a time.

Glad to be here,
Take care
Jasz

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