Ugh! My aunt!

kellysa111 · Post by **kellysa111** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 12:55 am

I live with my aunt and uncle right now. I pay her rent and I dont bother them at all. I would think since I pay her rent, she would leave me alone and NOT got through my stuff and "check" if my room is clean or whatever. She is also very mean sometimes when her and my uncle are having problems. The thing that confuses me is that she thinks that I am a bad influence on her children, i dont do drugs or do anything that most people my age do (im still a virgin at 19) but her daughter has done stuff and my aunt lets her real niece go with my cousins anywhere and she's the one doing the drugs and drinking and having sex! i think this is entirely unfair. My uncle ( who is my blood uncle btw) is noticing that too and I think that this causes them more problems. I dont want to be a burden on them anymore ( my uncle says im not a burden and that he is actually happy that i can be a good influence on my cousins). i just needed to get this off my chest. thnx for reading

PrettySiren · Post by **PrettySiren** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 1:31 am

Gosh, that's a bad situation. Here's a hug!

Sometimes, people will just pick a person to blame their problems on for no reason. Perhaps your aunt is doing this. And I'm sure it hurts when your own relative treats you like that (even if they're related by marriage).

Your aunt and uncle having problems is not your fault. Try not to let it get you too down, because things will work themselves out. After all, it sounds like your uncle loves you very much and I can imagine if your aunt keeps pushing him, he'll say something to hurt about it.

Have you tried telling your uncle how you feel? Don't think of it as a burden to their relationship. If your uncle is someone you trust, tell him how you feel. Don't assign blame or judgment. Just spill your heart out. It may persuade him to open up a healthy dialogue with his wife about the way she treats you.  

Try to promote healing in your mind. Think about happiness and brush off your aunt's attitude. She has no reason to dislike you, as you said. So, the problem is all hers -- even if it does put a strain on you.

kgirlsmomma · Post by **kgirlsmomma** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 2:44 am

One of the most 'disarming' sentences in the world, no matter what situation you're in, but especially volatile ones is "I'm sorry you feel that way."  If someone is accusing you of doing something 'wrong' (which is only a perception in their eyes, if you know you are not) is to say "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Followed by "What do you think I can do to help?"  In this situation there is absolutely no suggestion she can make.  

You're obviously there for numerous reasons...one is to be a buffer for your uncle, another is a financial arrangement everyone has agreed upon, and I'm sure there are others.  The question is never really what is going on around us, but how are we handling it?  With integrity, grace, dignity?  Everything is a learning experience for us...usually to learn thru dichotomy.  You're learning how to treat others...With a lack of respect, you are learning to treat others respectfully.  With being accused, you are learning not to needlessly accuse.  

Being a renter doesn't necessarily give you rights to be left alone.  Every 'landlord' has the right to inspect the property.  But you can stand up for yourself, and ask that your personal belongings not be gone thru.  Ask what is offensive, ask what you can do better, and other than that, and set a clear expectation for privacy beyond that.

Finally, maybe it is time you branch out on your own.  That is always an option.

Remember, let your inner light shine brightly, treat others better than they treat you but expect the same, and take care of yourself without harm to another.  Feel free to vent at any time, but then form a course of action.  Venting only goes so far. :)

susieq2 · Post by **susieq2** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:48 am

Sounds like a very hard situation. You are doing the right thing by staying out of trouble. Try not to get sucked into the drama that is caused by the strife in your aunt and uncle's marriage. My guess would be that your aunt is fully aware of the fact that you are a good person and that her daughter is not so perfectly behaved and that she is haing a tough time coming to grips with it. People often look at others to blame when they can't take responsibility for their own lives and problems. As or her going through your stuff that is just plain wrong but there's not a lot you can really do without making a lot of tension. Make sure that there is nothing in your stuff to make your aunt upset and if you want to ge the message accross nicely that maybe she shouldn't be in your stuff... then fill your drawers with positive self-help healing messages. 'Good - morning to me... it's a lovelyday, no matter what the world brings me, I will hold my head up high and smile, be responsible and act properly in accourdance with my beliefs. I will thrive to be the best person I can and rspect all those around me no matter what life throws a me today...' etc. Keep notes of such type in places that your aunt will find and make sure they are not targetted at her and she will only benefit from reading them rather than getting angry... You will also benefit!

Stay strong and continue to be a good influence on your cousin. This is really important and she is lucky to have you.

Big HUG!!!

Mandimedea · Post by **Mandimedea** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:28 pm

I agree with everything said here and would also like to say that you need to stay true to yourself.  The aunt's anger and behavior could stem from guilt and denial of her own life and children.  Her behavior is also affecting her relationship with your uncle and that is between them.  It sounds like you are very responsible and have good morals for someone so young and you should be proud of yourself for who you are.

taraprincess · Post by **taraprincess** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:38 pm

sweetie here is a huge hug.....much love and huggies

kellysa111 · Post by **kellysa111** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 3:31 am

Thanks to you all! I have been wanting to have a talk with my aunt but I dont have much courage to ask to talk to her because I am afraid that she will find some reason to kick me out of the house.(its not her house btw, my uncle is paying for it) And unfortunately, I don't have anywhere else to go.

firetopaz · Post by **firetopaz** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:25 am

Feeling trapped and like you have no options only ampliphies the stress.  Take comfort in the fact that   You know you are not doing anything wrong...and your uncle does too.  It might be a good idea to talk to your uncle first...let him know your concerned about having no where to go, but that you feel the need to talk to your Aunt about her accusations.  I think she is misplacing the anger she feels toward her own child on to you.

I have read many good suggestions here....and i know you are feeling hurt...but I think hard as it may be for you right now...just taking the time to point out one good thing your Aunt does each day and bringing her attention to it....even something small....like your hair looks nice today....or thank you for dinner.  She might just be jealous cuz you are a good person where her own child is lost and she feels like she failed as a mom....and you are, by no fault of your own, a reminder of this.

BIG HUG!

kellysa111 · Post by **kellysa111** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:40 am

firetopaz wrote:Feeling trapped and like you have no options only ampliphies the stress. Take comfort in the fact that You know you are not doing anything wrong...and your uncle does too. It might be a good idea to talk to your uncle first...let him know your concerned about having no where to go, but that you feel the need to talk to your Aunt about her accusations. I think she is misplacing the anger she feels toward her own child on to you.

I have read many good suggestions here....and i know you are feeling hurt...but I think hard as it may be for you right now...just taking the time to point out one good thing your Aunt does each day and bringing her attention to it....even something small....like your hair looks nice today....or thank you for dinner. She might just be jealous cuz you are a good person where her own child is lost and she feels like she failed as a mom....and you are, by no fault of your own, a reminder of this.

BIG HUG!

"Thank you for dinner"? she doesnt cook food for me. She has told many times that I have to buy my own food. The only reason I would eat something she has made is if my uncle were at home and they were all eating together and then he is the one asking me if i want anything.  I try to be nice and once in a while she says thank you when i tell her that she looks nice or something like that, but most of the time she says stuff like " i saw that your room was messy today, If you want to stay in my house you have to keep your room clean."
Dont get me wrong I love my aunt but its just that her attitude towards me changes from nice to mean soooo much that it kinda gives me whiplash.

hopefully I will be able to pay off some debt I have soon and I will be able to get my own place and go back to school

firetopaz · Post by **firetopaz** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:57 am

I hope things get better for you too...I'm sorry for the both of you that she doesn't respond to kindness and love.  As for the messy room, I get frustrated sometimes when my son messes his room up...then I remember one day when I was small and my grandma gave me and my cousins left over pie dough and we were throwing it against a door in her living room to see who's would stick the longest....my mother walked in and was mortified.  She yelled at my grandmother...why would she let us make such a mess?  I remember my grandma telling her that someday we would be grown and gone and her house would stay clean...but for now she was enjoying watching us have fun.  And we are grown...but not gone....we love to visit  her still...and her house IS always clean.  It is too bad your Aunt didn't have someone to give her a loving example to live her life by.  You can remember how she makes you feel and when you have children and their room is a mess.. (and it will be)....you will gently guide them  and not make them feel unwanted or unloved.  

Another HUG!

PrettySiren · Post by **PrettySiren** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:26 am

kellysa111,

Again, I'm very sorry for your situation. There was something else I wanted to offer: never let anyone make you feel unwelcome in the house of your own kin. It's your uncle's house. Your uncle loves you. Let that be your strength while you live there.

More hugs,
Pretty Siren

azurestar · Post by **azurestar** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:02 pm

That definitely warrants a hug! I understand what you're going through with unfair family members. I've been in certain situations where (these are step-family members) don't really treat me very inclusively. Double standards abound. You sound like a nice person who's just been put in a bad situation, but don't give up.  Just keep your chin up (and vent, yeah venting helps) and there'll be brighter days.

Medical Astrology · Post by **Medical Astrology** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:53 am

Why can't you jsut move out and live in another place?
People like your aunt are very dogmatic and rarely see anything good in other people.
They like to criticize and complain, even when things aren't really bad.

I know a few persons like your aunt, myself. They are best left alone!

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Ugh! My aunt!

Ugh! My aunt!

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