TOO many things on my plate....

[ginnysgems]

I hate to whine, and I hate to talk about things that are going on, so I tend to keep it all bottled up, but things have reached a tipping point.

My life is basically in tatters and I don't know what direction to go in.  Five years ago I found out that my husband had an affair in 2001.  At the time he was having it I highly suspected that he was, but had no proof.  I had a LOT of health issues and so I was dealing with that, and worrying about what hubby was doing.

I wound up having surgery in 12/04, a total knee replacement, and then foot surgery in 4/05.  Three weeks after my foot surgery the other woman from his 2001 affair started emailing me.

Things were horrible, and long story short, we decided to stay together and work it out, and things were going going really well, I thought.

Fast forward to March of 2009, March 4, 2009 to be exact.  I come home from work and hubby says "he feels funny".  He kept saying it over and over, then he said his leg was numb, then his left arm, then his face drooped.  He was having a stroke.  I called 911 and his friend from work.  His friends got to the house before the EMT's and one of his friends had been a paramedic.  He said he was definitely having a stroke.  I was hysterical, our kids were there (they're older, at the time they were 17 and 15).  Our life as we knew would forever be changed......

So now a little over a year later, hubby is recovering, slowly.  He spent two months in the hospital (one month in a rehab hospital, one month is a nursing home).  He can walk, but not without a cane and his leg is about 65-70%, his arm is still not functional though it has started getting some movement back.

I feel like everything I've worked and waited for has been stripped away from me.  I cannot see a future for us, I can't plan our "golden years" anymore because I don't know what he may be able to do.

I also found out that he had other women he was "talking to" via the internet, talking to for YEARS, even after we had reconciled after I found out about his affair he had kept in contact with these other women, EVEN during his stroke recovery.  I am totally devastated.  We just celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary, but what kind of marriage do I really have now??  He would rather talk to these other women than me, and I feel like everything is just in limbo.  I know he had the stroke, but I feel it also disabled me.  Before things got bad, we were each other's lives.  And I STILL feel that way....  Probably the wrong thing to feel, but I do none the less.....

And on top of all this, I have major health issues of my own, I have high blood pressure, fibromyalgia, chronic myofacial pain, chronic fatigue syndrome and osteoarthritis.  I take a zillion drugs and the only thing that is controlled is the high BP.  I hurt everyday, and I have to work, and it's horrible, I hate my job.  I used to run my own business but that went away when his other woman stalked me trying to pretend to be a customer......

I guess I just need a place to vent and cry.....  Life just sucks.  I know it could be worse, but this truly isn't what I signed up for.  I love my husband, and I will stand by him no matter what, but I feel like I've also lost MY life.....

[StormGirl Blue]

Hi Ginny,
Wow you have taken an emotional battering haven't you! In Australia we would say "how much can a koala bear ". Sounds like you have done an amazing job of keeping yourself together this far.
Excuse the pun, but hubby has been stroking his own ego. This does not mean that he does not or never did love you, it means that he has been a foolish selfish  boy.  The beautiful you, who you have always been is still very much here, loved and valued. Your life is very special in so many ways, he is a dumbo
but you are no less an amazing person because of the air between his ears.

Wen your unhappy in ypur life it is important to make changes. How you proceed in your relationship is entirely between you and your husband Im not going there. You'll do what you need to do for yourself when your strong and have been proactive in regaining your power.
You say you are un happy in your job. I dont recommend that you should just up and leave it in this economic climate, but you can keep your ears to the ground and your eyes open for new opportunities.
You might also like to learn a new skill, take a course in something that interests you and see where it leads.
Your focus needs to turn to you. So he may feel neglected, it appears he has his own way of dealing with that, worry about you first.

If it helps any I can tell you that 99% of what he is sharing with these on line girls is total BS, silly boy.

Treat yourself to a new you, as stronger you, a happier you and everything else will just have to improve to catch up.

I know this sounds shallow right now with all that you have been through, but please do something for you, something you have wanted to do selfishly and see what happens. It might even feel a little bit naughty to someone that has done nothing but give of themselves, but its a good kind of naughty.

O and how pathetic was that other woman, stupid sad sap to have to do that. Pitty the woman.

[Philipa]

Yes, he has flirted with other women, and even bedded one (or more), but he remained your husband so he must love you in his own special way.  He has made a lot of mistakes, and you feel shattered.  

His stroke has clipped his wings, and I guess his texting is a harmless way of trying to re-assure himself that he is not old and crepid.  He has obviously gone through several mid-life crisis and not yet realised what a wonderful effort you have put into being a great wife to him.  In many ways, he has taken you for granted, even if it was not intended.

The stalker probably enjoyed his flirting attention, because something was missing in her relationships.  If you get a chance, have a coffee with her and encourage her to spill the beans and fill you in on why she needed to be with your husband.  No point in belting her up with your fists, just go for the truth so you can try to understand what was missing out of your husband's life.

Having a good time in your golden years is not going to go to plan, so what others have suggested about doing something for yourself is going to become a whole lot more important.

It has been scientifically proven that when you hold anger and grudges, you poison your own body water and escerabate your health issues.  The Bible says to forgive all those tresspass against us for a very good reason - so as to avoid poisoning your body water.

Each day you have a choice of which television screen in your mind you turn on - past, present or future.   Lot's wife was instructed not to look back at the cities that God was destroying, but she could not resist a look back, and accordingly, her mind was still part of those cities and she was turned into the pillar of salt.  

The metaphorically significance is that you need to "switch off the past" by setting it free.  Thank it for the good times, but you are wanting new things now and are keen to move on towards your new life with new opportunities.

If you don't forgive your husband and yourself for holding onto emotional baggage, you remain in a mind prison and can't move forward to new joys.

Use the natural Bible Laws of the universe as explained in the DVD, the Secret, and every day write down any nice that has happened to you.  DO NOT write down anything bad.   Each day the list will slowly get longer and after a few months you will notice your life becoming a lot more happier because you are counting your blessings.

When you are focusing on finding only good things, you are acting like a magic genie and instructing your subconscious mind to bring you more of these nice experiences......it works in exactly the same way as the loaves and fishes story in the Bible feeding 5,000 people wanting to listen to Jesus speaking.

As your eyes search for nice things around you, they can not do TWO things at once, so you stop noticing bad things,, and your life becomes "really nice".

If you don't forgive the man you have been married to all these years, your mind will not allow you to see the good in him, and therefore your thoughts can't snowball the good and heal your marriage.

What matters now is that you start spoiling yourself, so your better thoughts can switch on the hormones inside you that bring you good luck.   Bad thoughts make your cronic fatique worse and could put you in an early grave.

I truly believe you and your husband can get through these devastating set backs.  You are not ready to throw the towel in yet, you are made of much better stuff than that - I can feel that .    

Jesus asked his Father, God to forgive all people on Earth for their sins, and God agreed, so the moment you forgive others, you are also free of the emotional baggage that is holding you back.

Hugs you need lots of those.....Philipa xoxoxo