Confused n chaotic life right from the childhood which is still continuing, is there any hope?

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nageshtr
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:15 am
Location: Tumkur, Karnataka

Confused n chaotic life right from the childhood which is still continuing, is there any hope?

Post by nageshtr » Thu Jun 12, 2014 3:01 pm

Friends,

I have been blessed with a very disturbed n chaotic life right from my birth till date n I have been a failure in all areas of life.  Except for the childhood days (maybe due to innocence and ignorance), I have been toiling with the hard realities of life n somehow managing to fight in spite of all odds.  Though I was decent in my studies n capable of becoming an engineer, my poor family background could not afford it, hence became university science graduate and started my humble career as an office assistant in 1990.  When I tried to build my family, it was a horrible experience.  I had 2 broken engagements and a marriage at age 32 which ended up in a divorce just after 6 months of companionship after which, all my efforts on rebuilding of my life have not been successful so far.  At 48, I stand stranded in life, totally confused, not knowing what is there in store for me.  SO, I NEED A BIG HUG from friendly people like to enlighten me as to the future course of my life.  Hoping to get a satisfactory guidance from u people.

My birth details:  Name:  T. R.  Nagesh.  Sex: Male.  DOB: April 7, 2014;
TOB: 07:20 AM; POB: Kunigal, Tumkur District, Karnataka, India.

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eye_of_tiger
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General advice and support only in this forum (no readings allowed)

Post by eye_of_tiger » Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:16 am

Welcome TR,

While we can give you a hug which means general advice and support in this forum, if you want guidance meaning a reading then one of the various reading forums is where you should be posting this instead of here. Or you can at the same time get general advice and support ion this forum, as well as a reading on one of the reading forums of your choice.

There is no doubt that you have had more than your fair share of major life challenges over those nearly 50 years, many of which were not under your control. Your family was not well off financially, but what they lacked in money they more than made up with their love for you and the belief by your parents that it was worth the rest of the family going without some of the basics in life so that you can be given the best possible education that their money could buy, presumably because they saw the potential for success which already existed within you, even if you could not see it yourself.

I am also fairly sure that they did not see you as a hopeless failure, so the question is now as to why it is that you have since then labelled yourself as being one (a hopeless failure, if any human being is which I cannot). believe). Also feeling like you are a failure does not make you one. Your feelings are real, but they are telling you a lie. They are telling you exactly what you have been telling yourself every time that things did not turn out as you hoped or expected that they might, over and over like a broken record.

It is not what happens to us in this life that is a measure of the quality of our character, but rather how we respond to our life's many challenges. One way of responding to them is to become angry and disappointed with and punish yourself as if you were totally responsible for everything which happened to you. You think that you should have done much better than you did and that if you had tried hard and long enough, you could have made things much better.

Anger, disappointment, self punishment turned inwards upon oneself fuels depression. I know this myself from first hand experience of having personally lived nearly 62 years with chronic anxiety and depressive illnesses. The uncomfortable truth is that life often has its own plans for us, regardless of what our plans are. A large fraction of the things which happen to us were never, are not, and will never be under our control. If they are never under our conscious control, we cannot be held responsible for them. If you are not responsible for them, how then can they be your fault and how can they be used by you as a sign that you are a hopeless failure?

In spite of all your difficulties, I am sure that you always tried to do your best. You made some mistakes along the way but you would not be human if you were perfect. Often we learn far more of lasting value from our honest mistakes when compared to what we ever learn from our life's victories and successes. Life is basically a learning process, mainly through trial and error. If you do not give yourself permission to make mistakes, then the learning process quickly becomes blocked. Making mistakes or errors makes you an FHB (Fallible Human Being), like the rest of us. It does NOT however make you a hopeless failure.

What do you think might have happened instead if every time during those 48  years you came up against a challenge or disappointment in your life like not passing an exam, not getting that job you wanted, or losing someone whom you loved you told yourself something completely different and much more self loving and self accepting of the restrictions placed upon you by your situation?

While you must take some responsibility for what happened or did not happen, constantly and regularly remind yourself that in each event there were also many factors beyond your control. People somewhere in the world fall out of love every day, many people compete for the same job, people are poor and people get sick. So losing someone you love, not getting that job being poor and getting sick does NOT qualify you as a hopeless failure, either.

Actually there is no such thing as a person who is a hopeless failure. While there is still life there is also still hope that things will get better and that we can become a better person, but never a perfect one. To fail is never to try, or not to get up at least x + 1 times after falling X times and give it another good try. You might not get it on the next try or even the one after that, but each try brings you closer to success.

If you give up too early on yourself then you could be setting yourself up for more depression in the future (depression also needs to be medically treated as it can if left untreated have fatal consequences in the form of suicide) and a feeling of regret that you did not have the courage or patience to give it one more try. If you think that depression by itself is painful and I agree, I hope for your sake that you never know what it feels like to live a life full of regrets that can never be satisfied. For you cannot change what is in the past. You can only hope to create a better future for yourself by your own efforts to help yourself in the present moment.

Instead of responding to your life's challenges with depression, begin NOW to respond to them with a more focussed, active and practical approach towards fixing the things in your life which can be fixed, not wasting your limited time and valuable energies attempting to fix things which are beyond your control to influence or change, trying to fix things which are not broken, and gaining the wisdom of accumulated experience to recognise to which of these categories that particular event belongs.

If you cannot make something better or change it, sometimes the only thing that you can do is to accept the harsh reality of your situation, learn to live as full a life as is humanly possible in spite of the obstacle, then move on to something which you can make  better or change. Such a positive but simultaneously realistic approach to these boulders in your path is always better than depression. But it is also always easier said than done, and with some outside help including from your doctor and from us, you are the person who has to live this approach.

Namaste,

EoT  :)

PS: In your response in this thread please let me know if you also want a reading from me about this. Readings are not given on this site for predicting the future, but they are designed for helping you to create a better, happier, healthier and more successful and loving future for yourself, mainly through your own efforts to help yourself in the present moment.

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