A widowed woman's outburst

Share your stories, poems, plays, and show your creative side to the world.

Moderators: eye_of_tiger, shalimar123

Post Reply
User avatar
Jayashree Ravi
Posts: 165
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:32 pm

A widowed woman's outburst

Post by Jayashree Ravi » Mon May 16, 2016 7:27 pm

Reality vs. shadow:
--------------------------
Is there a way to fill the emptiness I feel
I went to the beach to find out
The tribal woman's corals sold on seashore
They are reminding me of your pearls of wisdom
Out there, some people climbing horses for a ride...
Reminding me of your bravery like a soldier
In the middle the kids building sandcastles
Are reminding me of the building-blocks of our life together
The ferocity of the waves in the sea
Are bringing to me in full swing, the waves of memory
I couldn't bear it anymore! Hence I came back home
The external world cannot fill the emptiness I feel
One cannot touch reality through one's shadow
Loneliness cannot bring change of heart to an empty heart!
Attachments
sand castle.jpg
sand castle.jpg (63.66 KiB) Viewed 2924 times

User avatar
Jayashree Ravi
Posts: 165
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:32 pm

Post by Jayashree Ravi » Mon May 16, 2016 7:53 pm

In the above poem, I'm trying to bring to the attention of the reader, events and things of comparable nature... (that's why I call this a poem). For example, I am narrating about something I find in the beach, and bringing to reader's attention a quality in a man that is related to the narrated thing.

1. Tribal woman's CORALS = PEARLS of wisdom

2. Horse riding = A brave soldier

3. Steps in a sandcastle = Building-blocks of life

4. Waves of the ocean = Memory waves.

User avatar
eye_of_tiger
Site Admin
Posts: 8490
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:47 am
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Who built the sandcastle?

Post by eye_of_tiger » Mon May 16, 2016 11:39 pm

ANALOGY - a comparison between one thing and another, typically for the purpose of explanation or clarification.
While I understand the analogies which you are attempting to make between things associated with the sandcastle and on the other hand the qualities of human beings (including women), I cannot avoid the temptation to ask you as to who built it, as it is incredible in both its accuracy of scale and detail.

Not that I want this urge to know who built the sandcastle to distract us from your obvious highly developed skills as a poet and narrator of the story of us, but rather I feel that the skills of the builder only enhance your own efforts to share your thoughts and feelings with us about what are clearly matters of importance and interest to you, through the medium of your poetry.
In the above poem, I'm trying to bring to the attention of the reader, events and things of comparable nature... (that's why I call this a poem)
It is my personal opinion that you have been very successful in the use of these analogies with the intention to accomplish your desired goals, but at the same time I do not think that you need our approval or validation to give you permission to call this a poem.

Any piece of writing which is an expression of an individual's feelings and ideas which are shared with at least one other person is a poem.

The specific tools which that poet uses in order to more intensely communicate his or her feelings and ideas to the reader, which may include the use of rhyme, rhythm, imagery and analogy, are only a side issue. None of these tools by themselves can be used to say whether or not it this should be called a poem. It is already a poem.

It has been very inspiring for your friend to watch your gift of poetry and equally importantly your self confidence develop in leaps and bounds, during the relatively short time which you have been posting your poems to our forums.

Although I feel that most of the progress which you have made is in the area of you developing greater confidence in yourself, as well as in your abilities as an author. Regular practice of your art along with positive but honest feedback from our members, will undoubtedly make you a more effective and confident poet in the future.

Blessings in abundance,

From your brother and devoted fan EoT  :smt049  :smt049

User avatar
Jayashree Ravi
Posts: 165
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:32 pm

Post by Jayashree Ravi » Wed May 18, 2016 9:14 pm

Oh yeah, that sandcastle is amazing, isn't it? Came in my Facebook newsfeed. Don't know who built it. SAd, many impressive paintings and works of art go unnoticed without revealing the artist behind that work.

Thank you so much for your kind words. EoT ji.

Astrologically one should have a very well-placed Mercury and Moon for writing and poetic skills I assume. While my Moon is good in dignity, my Mercury (who is also strong comparatively) conjoins a fallen Sun. Owing to this fact, I guess, I am unable to write as eloquently as some other authors. But my Moon gives me the poetry atleast, I think.

Yeah, as you said, I am trying to build my poetry skills. When I visit India (in another 2 months) I intend to purchase lot of Tamil poetry books and see the tactics used by the author.

You are right, I need not declare my intent behind analogies used in the poem. I only did so in the hope that i) more analogies may be presented to include in the poem by the reader ii) to gauge the appropriateness of the analogies I have used -- whether they are fit for enough admiration, etc.

As always, I am indebted to your positive feedback.

Pranam.
Srimathe Ramanujaya Namaha

Post Reply

Return to “Poetry and Literature”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests