How did you decide to stay or leave a difficult marriage?

[Magickal Wind]

Hi everyone - I stumbled upon this site while surfing the net, and I'm looking forward to browsing and learning.  There are so many topics that interest me, but today "parents & families" jumped out at me.  

I have a difficult spouse, and we have a toddler.  I would tell you that we still have some fun times together, but the few years we have been together have involved him yelling, calling me names, threatening divorce and occasionally knocking something over.  Still, most of the time things are calm - though the usual affection and attention that flows in a good relationship is missing.  Our initimate life is horrible.  

Why do I stay?  Because most of the time he is in control and he is a wonderful father.  I didn't grow up in a perfect household, so my tolerance is a bit higher than some folks.  

This year, I have felt at a crossroads.  An akashic reader once told me that he has two souls - that he carries a nephalim who sometimes takes over.

For those of you in difficult relationships, what do you do to cope?  How have you decided to stay or go?  

We have been to counseling.  It doesn't help.  It isn't going to change, and yet, I long for the man I know he is capable of being.  

Sorry this is my first post and that it is disjointed.  We are in one of the bad spells right now, and though I know it will pass I don't know if I can go on this way.  I've read books about divorce and children, and as with everything there is always two stories.  

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

[nmcaldas]

Hi there,

The first thing that i am going to ask you is, how much love do you think there still is in your marriage , is it enough to hold on to it?Or do you feel that nothing will ever change?

I see in your post that you have been to counseling , thats not always a good ideia.

From my own experience im going through a very rough time with my wife right now , but the love i feel for her wont let me leave ( and i have reasons for it ) we have 2 kids and i know that she loves me but her mind is very confused and wont let the feeling come out like in the past.All she thinks of is work and i feel like im on the bottom of her priorities.
Maybe that is the same problem , one thing that helped things turn a bit was psicotherapy , maybe there is something inside your spouse that needs to be solved and therapy might do it ( not couple therapy , that comes later ).

See if you can convince your spouse to go to at least one session , a skilled doctor will make wonders.

And remember , dont stay in your marriage because of kids , but make sure that if you leave you've done all that you could to save it , they deserve that.

[bee07]

hi im bee .................... when i was very young i met my ex hubby ............. we seperated 3 times yes 3 times before i said no more of this mind game stuff .................. i believe that when someone enters your life its for a reason................some   people stay in your life some people will go in there own direction................... i feel people come into  a persons  life because  you  and those people had unfinished business from  a past life .............. staying or leaving a marriage is a very difficult desission to make ..... need to do what is right for you and your children at the same time........... and if you chose to leave how would your life be different or better ................ and how would that affect your children ?...................... i believe you know when your ready to leave ...you just wake up one morning and say to your self enough is enough ...time to move on from this to a better life ......either that or you work out a way to have a better relationship somehow with your spouse

the way that i think back now of my sad life with my ex is...i was so guliable and nieave but now im a stronger person within myself and no one can fool me anymore ...i am grateful to him for teaching me this

[Magickal Wind]

I appreciate you both sharing some of your own stories.  

I hit my breaking point a couple of weeks ago and gave my husband an ultimatum.  I told him I refused to live with verbal abuse anymore and didn't want our child to grow up in that atmosphere.  I think I must have really scared him because he is signing up for an anger therapy class and has agreed to work through some emotion workbooks.

We both agreed couples counseling was not very helpful for our situation.  "be nice to each other" just doesn't cut it.  We also are working on some other agreements, and I have seen him trying to be better.  

I don't expect things to be resolved overnight and still expect more outbursts and insanity, but as long as we are moving in the right direction I am willing to work on the relationship.  I think the love is still there underneath all of the hurt.  

Sometimes, I still want to throw in the towel when I sense the slightest change in his tone, then I remind myself how nice it would be if we could function as a family.  

I don't know where things will land, but I'm hoping for the best.  I figure it is worth giving it 6 more months and then reevaluating.  It is difficult though as I need to deal with my own feelings of approach v. avoidance now and don't completely trust the good times.  But I told him that no one can make these bad things go away except him.  Does he want his family intact or not?   I think that he does, and I hope it isn't too late.

[nmcaldas]

I know it seems like a cliche but i beleive that love conquers all , hope that it is your case.

[J&A_Hernandez_2007]

I was ina relationship like that for 8 years. I had finally had enough and I left. Leaving was the best thing I did. I am now married to a wonderful man who worships the ground I walk on. Ultimately the decision is yours. But I do know how you feel.

[TRACEY BOTHA]

Hi there I only joined today hope you are still around.

I myself had a very abusive marriage, with 2 small children the one barely three months old I thought I was stuck no job no security and no one to turn to.He was liked by every one so who would believe he was abusing me.
There comes a time when enough is enough and you just make a descion to leave, I was terrified but some how I just walked out the door with my children knowing deep inside of me I was making the right choice. You know what I did. It is now 13 years later I am remarried to the most gentle loving person, he has brought my children up as his own and they have no scares from the divorce the only scares they have got especially my eldest are the scares that where left by there father.
You will know when the time is right to make a choice, listen to your body and trust your intuition the universe always takes care of us.
Best wishes

[refresh]

If you stay will you be happy or feel loved? Will your toddler feel secure? Is he/she affected by the atmosphere in your home?

If it were physical abuse, there'd be no question about you leaving (hopefully), so why is verbal abuse any different? Don't feel you have to put up with it for the sake of your child - he/she might not thank you for it later.

Or could you establish an equilibrium in the household that you feel you could live with? If you truly believe things will improve, then stick with it, but as you've already suggested, put a time limit on it. Honestly evaluate the situation when this time has passed - don't just think 'oh, I'll give it another six months'.

Emma
x

[hitismek]

Heya! Your post made me think about a relationship I had for ten years...in hindsight it was a nightmare. For ten years I struggled to make it work. Always at the mercy of thier mood swings what sort of day they were having etc. What I personally knew but didnt want to face was that It was me that had to change not them. (Lol...Though this was not for lack of trying) I made every excuse for thier behaviour and put downs what ever, but somehow I thought if i cooked better, looked better etc then things would get better. The good days gave me hope that there would be no more bad days. In the end though when things were going the best for me....they left. It hurt like all hell at the time and I was initially left with the kids thinking what am I going to do now?? But I was relieved after a whilst too.... Have the courage to do what is best for you and what makes you happy. All else will follow or else it wont... but if you are not happy how can you expect your child to be happy both now and later??

[ekjbhat]

Dear I think you yourself is the reason for this.Try to control your mind.I think your partner may be in tention some times that makes all the difference. Try to understand him.When necessary soothe him and give your valuvable advice to him he may be starving for it.You know in India parents decides whom to marry and still it works without much differences.There is a saying in India man can be satisfied with two things one agood food served by his mate and good enjoying moments in the bed upto his satisfaction.The man will come behind you like a pet dog.Plese try and save your marriage.Dont think another will be better than him.
                                                                                          With all best wishes
                                                                                               Brotherly Yours
                                                                                                     ekjbhat (Makara)

[ekjbhat]

Dear I think you yourself is the reason for this.Try to control your mind.I think your partner may be in tention some times that makes all the difference. Try to understand him.When necessary soothe him and give your valuvable advice to him he may be starving for it.You know in India parents decides whom to marry and still it works without much differences.There is a saying in India man can be satisfied with two things one agood food served by his mate and good enjoying moments in the bed upto his satisfaction.The man will come behind you like a pet dog.Plese try and save your marriage.Dont think another will be better than him.
                                                                                          With all best wishes
                                                                                               Brotherly Yours
                                                                                                     ekjbhat (Makara)

[Deborah]

Communication ... sometimes its a big road block or the best door ...........sometimes just learning to talk is a big step!

Sometimes in life we get soo busy we forget to nurture our own souls ..we are in a hurry, need to give the baby a bath, get dinner on, oh and rush to see our favorite tv show...


It is ok to call mom and say hey can ya watch the baby I need ME time .. or we need OUR time .. 1 hour a week set up time for  yourself ..set up time for you 2 to just hang out again ........ its more than "just being in love" its learning to communicate all over again!  
Don't give up marriage is a precious thing in life .........sounds to me like he is working on his anger issues and trying ......... if Couple counseling wont work .. then what about individual counsellings?  Sometimes we forget who we are and need to re learn it...this might be helpful for you ...and him to grow together

Sounds like ya just hit a bump ... slow down and drive careful!

[swetha]

hi guys,
I have gone through a tough phase too:-) We both have always loved each other and still do ( even though he wont say it!)  
My husband suffers from bipolar depression and hasnt been easy at all. he went wild, refused medication, wanted a divorce and this truly tore me apart. the last year and half has been a "nightmare".

I have had thoughts of leaving him. But one great advice I got from people on this board was.."stay only if you love him" I do and I am still with him...And I can proudly say he is improving now and trying hard to become ok:)

Maybe he still has a long way to go..but I am sure...if both of you work on it.. things can improve if you both want it to. it can never be one sided.

[serenaluna]

<b><i> &nbsp;I see you posted in Sept. How are things going for you? I was wondering how long you are married? &nbsp;I wish I had the answer for you, because then, you and I and our kids would all be in a much happier place right now. &nbsp;I can only give you advice on how to deal with it because I have been going through this torture for over 10 years now. &nbsp;I am a very spiritual person, a healing Shaman, and have worked miracles on all my sisters and brothers. &nbsp;I cannot help myself with my illnesses and my marriage. &nbsp;My husband does the same thing you wrote. He puts me down, yells at me, threatens me with divorce, and everything he can, he has called me every name there is to call a woman, never listens to me, and there is not one good feeling that passes between us for at most 6 years. No intimacy in 9 years. &nbsp;I have Lupus, Porphyria, Chronic Pancreatitis, Diabeteis, among other autoimmune disorders and that is when he started all this with me. I cannot go anywhere because my family is all passed or very ill, and I am too sick to be on my own. So I suffer in silence, meditate everyday, help others in need, not one of my sisters know about my husband, I am just to ashamed of the whole thing! &nbsp; My children and I are on the same spiritual path and the best advice I can offer you is, if this does not stop, no one has the right to make you feel like this. You owe it to yourself and your children and the man you love to try to make it work, but if you find yourself trying way too many times, and the mental abuse just keeps getting worse, and the promises just keep becoming emptier, you will know. Look deep in your heart and soul for the answer. Write lists of Good side and bad side of the positives of staying together and negatives, see if it keeps changing...If it changes for the better, then you owe it to everyone to keep trying. If things are just proceeding to go downhill, then examine. If you have family and your health, then by all means try to seperate for a while and see how that works out for both of you. &nbsp;Let me know how it works out for you. I would really love to know which direction your path led you. &nbsp;Blessings dear Sister in Love and Light... Serena~</b></i>

[lisa_was_here]

Hi everyone - I stumbled upon this site while surfing the net, and I'm looking forward to browsing and learning. &nbsp;There are so many topics that interest me, but today "parents & families" jumped out at me. &nbsp;

I have a difficult spouse, and we have a toddler. &nbsp;I would tell you that we still have some fun times together, but the few years we have been together have involved him yelling, calling me names, threatening divorce and occasionally knocking something over. &nbsp;Still, most of the time things are calm - though the usual affection and attention that flows in a good relationship is missing. &nbsp;Our initimate life is horrible. &nbsp;

Why do I stay? &nbsp;Because most of the time he is in control and he is a wonderful father. &nbsp;I didn't grow up in a perfect household, so my tolerance is a bit higher than some folks. &nbsp;

This year, I have felt at a crossroads. &nbsp;An akashic reader once told me that he has two souls - that he carries a nephalim who sometimes takes over.

For those of you in difficult relationships, what do you do to cope? &nbsp;How have you decided to stay or go? &nbsp;

We have been to counseling. &nbsp;It doesn't help. &nbsp;It isn't going to change, and yet, I long for the man I know he is capable of being. &nbsp;

Sorry this is my first post and that it is disjointed. &nbsp;We are in one of the bad spells right now, and though I know it will pass I don't know if I can go on this way. &nbsp;I've read books about divorce and children, and as with everything there is always two stories. &nbsp;

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Hello sister
I feel so similiar to you in a lot of ways. Like kindred spirits (although I do not know the real deep meaning of that word besides what I see on tv). I have the same background and married a man from the same more stable family like your husband. I have the same issues pretty much.
I am really interested in learning more about this nephalim spirit thing that was attached to your husband supposedly...can you pm me with more details or post them here please?
thanks.
Lisa