Custody of children

The dynamics of Childcare and relationships have changed & needs a closer look... Discuss Parenting & Family issues here.

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dhav
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Custody of children

Post by dhav » Thu May 29, 2008 10:57 pm

ok Guys a question.While deciding for the custody of cghildren especially ina divorce matter who should be allowed to chose for the child??The child himsel/herself or the gown-ups??

There has been arecent case in India where A child was asked whom to choose and hechose his father because he was rich and could pamper him with everything he wants.There was also news that his father is not no nice guys legally.So this makes us thinks who should be allowed to chose for the child.
The father was given custody. :smt017  :smt003
OnLy*I*LoVe*U~~I am a sweet Lovely Girl

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Prof. Akers
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Post by Prof. Akers » Fri May 30, 2008 12:21 pm

My son was 13 when I divorced and we gave him the choice - he chose to live with me because and I quote,"Mum will be OK but I'd better keep an eye on you!"
Needless to say he now lives 70 miles away 2 houses away from his Mum.
Given a chance to go back and do it again I'd probably do it the same way as we all get along fine, she now lives on her own and he looks out for her.
Some days you are the cart and other days the horse; either way you still get shafted.

"I thought you'd be bigger," (read it how you will).

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Bandit81101
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Post by Bandit81101 » Fri May 30, 2008 1:44 pm

For children, especially young ones, I think a third party with ties to neither side should be involved.  Granted a child will want to be pampered, but if raised properly, will realize that there are other things to life then that.

The court granted me custody because I was the primary caregiver and he made as ass of himself in numerous documents.  To this day, my oldest is "Daddy's Favorite" while the youngest is just there.  He doens't pay child support, has only worked about 3 months in last 2 years, but always seems to have money to take them out and buy them things.  (Cheating the system maybe??)  Anyways, ask my kids where they would prefer to live, and its not with the one that spoiles them.  While they would love to get all they want on my end as well, they are coming to realize that some things are just out of our price range.  They are happy here, surrounded by people that love them.

With so many out there advocating for children, it shouldn't be hard to get someone to advocate for yours in a divorce situation.  If we hadn't come to an arrangement, the court would have sent someone to check out both of our living situations.  In the end with proding from his lawyer and a disgusted look from the judge, I got full custody and he has visitation.
Fairytales don't tell children that dragons exist, they already know that dragons exist.  Fairytales tell them that dragons can be defeated.

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dhav
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Post by dhav » Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:29 pm

Hey Prof. and Bandit nice to hear that the right decision were made.I beleive a parent should first think about the welfare of the child,if he/she going to be happy or not.Most decision I see is in favor of the mother.Also teh parents should be evaluated if they good enough for their child like an abusive parent orcareless parent,non-working parent should be denied.if both parents are good then it's upto the children to be given decision.

dhav
OnLy*I*LoVe*U~~I am a sweet Lovely Girl

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Bandit81101
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Post by Bandit81101 » Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:54 pm

dhav wrote:Hey Prof. and Bandit nice to hear that the right decision were made.I beleive a parent should first think about the welfare of the child,if he/she going to be happy or not.Most decision I see is in favor of the mother.Also teh parents should be evaluated if they good enough for their child like an abusive parent orcareless parent,non-working parent should be denied.if both parents are good then it's upto the children to be given decision.

dhav
I don't completely agree with that nonworking comment though.  Think of how many at home moms have no job when custody is an issue.  Now granted, they can get a job, but at the time they didn't.
Fairytales don't tell children that dragons exist, they already know that dragons exist.  Fairytales tell them that dragons can be defeated.

Naravyn
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Post by Naravyn » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:14 am

I believe that if a child is in 12-13 or older, and both parents are deemed fit by the court first, then the child should be able to choose. Sometimes children don't make the right decisons, and I believe younger children wouldn't understand that they can't pick one parent or the other for some reason. Its easier to make the choice for them, even if they are angry, they will understand eventually.

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dhav
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Post by dhav » Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:31 am

yes Bandit this slipped from my mind.you made me think.what about the rightful parent who doesn't have ajob?what the measures provided for this?Are they given a monthly allowance until they get ajob?There is also the allowance given by the other working party.
OnLy*I*LoVe*U~~I am a sweet Lovely Girl

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Bandit81101
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Post by Bandit81101 » Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:14 am

dhav wrote:yes Bandit this slipped from my mind.you made me think.what about the rightful parent who doesn't have ajob?what the measures provided for this?Are they given a monthly allowance until they get ajob?There is also the allowance given by the other working party.
I think it all depends on the situation.  When I got divorced I got custody of the children, child support, and temporary alimony.  That got me by until I could find part time work. (We officially divorced when my youngest was 6 months old)  When my girls go to school full time, then I will get a "real" job.  As for now, I work part time in the evenings and my parents babysit.

I don't think they would get allowances if the didn't work, but they might make ends meet with child support and maybe alimony if they quailfy.  Also there are those that go to the county for aid.

I have a friend and his ex just lives off of the child support he provides and the county.
Fairytales don't tell children that dragons exist, they already know that dragons exist.  Fairytales tell them that dragons can be defeated.

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postalsusie
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never kids

Post by postalsusie » Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:06 pm

Kids dont know what is good for them if they did, they wouldnt need parents.

My 14 year old ( then old enough to have a say) was persuaded to live with his father in a "no rules" household.

He gained weight, dropped out of school mid grade ten ( solid B student without cracking a book) and his father got him a job cleaning up after housefires and sewage back ups.
He is not well adjusted, he didnt/doesnt have the typical social experiences kids have ( even to this day) and he is now 23.

I think courts are fouled. I think its better to have a missing parent than have one who sets a very bad example.
I haven't had my coffee yet, so don't make me hurt you ;)

janke
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Post by janke » Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:38 am

This is a difficult question.

It doesnt have a black line. Children can be easlily influenced in a short period.

The best way is to have prof people such as psycologists involved when making a decition.

A child needs a mom and dad, and therefore I very strongly feel that it is important that both parents still set an example for their kids.

Have a blessed day!

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postalsusie
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Not~~~~

Post by postalsusie » Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:57 pm

janke wrote:This is a difficult question.
It doesnt have a black line. Children can be easlily influenced in a short period.
The best way is to have prof people such as psychologists involved when making a decition.
A child needs a mom and dad, and therefore I very strongly feel that it is important that both parents still set an example for their kids.
Have a blessed day!
Absolutely not...
psychologists and psychiatrists screw u p WAY more than they help. The only thing they are good at applying their skills to is severe NUTBARS and criminals.
Ask one for help with your family problems and I guarantee they will hurt far more than they will help!

And I believe that a child is FAR better off having one GOOD parent and omitting the bad parent, than having both parents and having the child  taught properly by one and  horribly wrong by the other.
Children in general idolize the father more than the mother No matter what gender they are. SO the father can be a convicted arsonist or child molester or WORSE and the child still idolizes him simply because he is a father.

The courts insist that even bad parents have rights and then they are surprised when that child ends up in court and in trouble.
A Parent can NOT fight a bad parent and convince a child that her/his way is better and righteous. Children are lured by fun activities and food and toys because thats all they really care about at that age.a responsible and GOOD parent MUST make moral and ethical decisions for a child., and a parent cannot enforce them when a Bad PARENT  is constantly contradicting and undermining everything that they are trying to teach the child.

Just because you can MAKE a baby, does NOT mean that you deserve to be a part of  his/her life.
if you disagree... do YOU believe that a repeatedly convicted child molester has a right to be part of his child's life?
What if the parent is a fraud artist?
What if the parent has NO regard for our laws? That is exactly what they will teach that child. (that they can get away with things)
NO.
Many people should not be allowed to be parents.
Unfortunately I am not wise enough to decide who and who is not. You~ have to  decide how bad the problems are, and what should be done and to what degree. NOT psychologists...


:smt018

Naravyn
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Post by Naravyn » Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:32 am

i totally agree with you postalsusie. my mention of the 12-13 laws they have i think only work in cases where both parents are decent. but there  are many many cases where one parent is good and the other should be in jail somewhere instead of out in the world teaching a child to do the things that they do.

swduryee
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Post by swduryee » Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:25 pm

When I got a divorce from my first husband my children were 6, 5, 4 and 2 years old. I didn't have to worry about custody issues with him due to the violence that he showed to me throughout our 8 year marriage as well as the domestic violence charges that were on his record. Anyway, I have seen friends of mine who got divorce and the custody of the children was a big issue since neither one could come up with an appropriate decision. When this happened the courts got a member of the courts in volved in the cases to decide while there was a temporary custody to the mother, the members of the courts did major diggin studying etc to find the proper parent. In LA courts there is an age limit that allows the child to decide who they want to live with at that time.
I have also found that there are a lot of parents do not look at whats best for the child. For me my children comes first no matter how old they are and have taught my children the same thing. As they have gotten older they have never once asked about their father. (He was killed about 10 years ago or so). Although, some children no matter how young knows what they want and where they want to live, it is important to listen to them but let the ultimate reason to the adult or members of the court.
Sharon

Corvuequis
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Post by Corvuequis » Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:44 am

the parents should decide, kids are to easily swayed.

Quirita
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who should chose

Post by Quirita » Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:11 am

Each situation is different. I went through this as the chlid and they asked me who I wanted to live with. I think no one person should chose. Everyones oppinion and preference should be counted and the decision made that is best for the child

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