Difficult situations

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Mandimedea
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Difficult situations

Post by Mandimedea » Tue Feb 17, 2009 2:30 am

1 I have a mother in law who is extremely controlling and is a true enabler to my children especially my teen son.  She disrespects my wishes as a mother and questions me and disagrees with me in front of my children.  She favors boys and will do and say things for him behind my back  My husband is not consistent with support.  I feel alot of times he doesn't step in and address the situation. They both hate conflict and and don't want to be the bad guy, not believers in discipline-But I am, I want my kids to be happy, but responsible and respectful.
My teen son is now disrespectful to me because of the above.  I get so angry and have been a parent who yells.  I am working on getting better, but don't know how to deal with a meddling in law and a spouse who disagrees with disciplining children and how to deal effectively with stress frustration and anger.  Any constructive tips would be greatly appreciated

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swetha
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Post by swetha » Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:13 am

I have seen situations too in which the husband doesn't want to get involved. If you share a good relationship with your son, maybe you could try explaining it to him about where he is going wrong. since it is your battle and your husband doesn't want to say anything, make it clear to your mother in law. Screaming is no solution.

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Prof. Akers
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Post by Prof. Akers » Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:29 pm

It takes a strong man to choose his wife in front of his mother, I did it and my relationship was never quite the same with my mother.
Some days you are the cart and other days the horse; either way you still get shafted.

"I thought you'd be bigger," (read it how you will).

Mandimedea
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Post by Mandimedea » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:46 pm

I understand that it puts a wedge in the relationship, but I don't want him choosing me over his mother.  I want his mother to be a mother and grandmother, but respect me as a wife and parent.  I want him to support my decisions as it is our children and family, not hers.  He married me and she needs to respect our marriage, she is on her fourth so may not view marriage as a serious commitment to her.  I know mother in law and I will not always see eye to eye, but she needs to back off.  I am not harming my children by disciplining them(discipline meaning rules and taking away priviledges, not physically harming them).  I have however been known to yell and I have made the step to get help with that.  The yelling is all on me and I know does not help and I am learning to let go of the anger and stay calm, I am determined to overcome this and have already made progress.  I feel when a man has his own family he can look to his mother for advice, but a real man supports the mother of his children.  I don't think a man (hubby)should make decisions with the grandmother(mother-in-law) about the family without the mother (me)being involved.  I feel a mother of an adult needs to respect this as she did her job raising him and needs to let him live his life with his family.  I don't think their should be choosing anyone over anyone else.  Their needs to be mutual respect and everyone has a purpose and involvement.  It does take a strong man to support his wife over his mother, and I am sorry that you and your mother have issues.  I don't know what your exact situation is, but I think your mother should respect you for supporting your wife.  I am raising my son with discipline because I want him to be strong and support and respect whomever he marries in the future.  I want him to respect me and feel he can come to me for any reason and I will be there for him, but want him to be a good husband and father to his family.  Thank you for being there and for all of your advice and just wish me luck in my journey, I am determined to succeed!

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kgirlsmomma
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Post by kgirlsmomma » Thu Mar 05, 2009 3:18 am

So is there an update, Mandimedea.  How are things going?

soulsearch
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Post by soulsearch » Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:41 am

Clearly you are upset in this situation. Living with in-laws indeed is difficult especially when the thoughts disagree.

Grandparents will always be grandparents...they will love their grandchild no matter what and to change their perceptions would be a tougher thing to do. I guess the non-support of your husband is not helping either.

As a mother you have the best interest for your child. I guess this is more about your relationship with your child and you have to connect with him. Share your concerns with him, be a friend.... and you are determined I wish you luck !

Take Care

firetopaz
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Post by firetopaz » Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:19 am

First of all I want to commend you on admitting you have a problem and trying to change.  I don't know if there are any professional family counselors on this site, and I am not as knowledgeable as I wish I was so I could help you more, but lets look at what's going on.  Your mother-in-law has only one steady relationship with a man...her son...she is not going to let go easily.  Second, your husband's relationship with his mom has been influencing him a lot longer than your relationship with him, and while I agree with you, your feelings need to be acknowledged and respected as a parent, he is still her child and some men are very wary to let mom/son relationships waver.  I am glad you are doing your best not to let your son fall into this "trap".  Some women feel threatened by daughters and want to be the primary "woman" in their sons lives.  I feel sorry for them cuz they are missing out on so much love.  It is not going to be easy for either your husband or you to get out of this situation.  Someones gonna have to give.  I see you are willing to be reasonable, but I don't see your MIL(mother-in-law), giving in to easy.  She feels she needs this control.  So that leaves your husband.  Is he willing to change the relationship with his mom?  Is he willing to tell her straight out that the two of you have decided to raise your son a little differently and it is hard enough to have a willful, rebellious teenager without her butting in? Is he willing to remind her each time she gets involved that the two of you can deal with your son and don;t need her advice, just her support?  She will need to be reminded.   I would try to say to her each time "I appreciate you trying to help, but I can deal with this"  Then remove you and your son to another room to discuss issues.  I am sure you tried it, but it takes repitition to teach an old dog new tricks.  

It is not unusual for a teen to act defiant..it is actually a good sign.  You have loved him and nurtured him and taught him to think for himself.  He wants to spread his wings a little.... and have more control over his life.  Give him opportunities to make decisions for himself.   You might ask him, are you going to be around for dinner?  Are you going to be at your friends long? If he says yes, explain you are making dinner and were counting on him being there with the family, it's not the same without him.  Is there any way he could be home earlier?  I found my kids would usually come home cuz they felt loved and wanted...and had a choice.  If they didn't come home I would make a point to know how much I missed them at dinner and did they have fun?, what did they do? It was okay for me if they missed an occasional dinner as long as we had time to talk. If his room is a mess shut the door...most teens go through a messy stage, but they DO grow out of it.  My daughters home is spotless, and if you ever saw her room at home you would have never thought it possible.   If he stays out too late, well that is disrespectful and not safe...time to do something.    The rule for my kids was they needed to have a destination, needed to call if that destination changed and I needed to know when they would be home.  They could go where they wanted unless they broke these rules.  I always talked to my kids when they "forgot" to call and let me know how it made me feel...that I worried they were hurt and love them so much that  I was frantic.  It would take less than a minute to let me know they were safe and in the future I would appreciate it if they would at least call so they saved me unneeded stress.    I would let it go the first time but if it happened a second time,  I would remind them of the talk and how they reassured me it wouldn't happen again..but it did so I had to do something to help them remember so I didn't have to worry like this again.  I was their mom  and it is my job to teach them, love them and keep them safe,  and I couldn't rightly be a good mom if I let it go.  I spoke to them as intelligent loving beings and they re-acted in kind...most of the time.  I helped them make decisions, I didn't make them for them.  I wasn't going to be there at the parties when someone handed them drugs so I wanted them to be good at making decisions on what was good and bad for them.  We started at a young age.  When my 1 year old went to put her finger in the light socket I would explain why I didn't want her to do it and wouldn't it be more fun to play blocks?  I didn't just say No.  Talk to your son.  You can let him know that you realise you had been yelling too much and want to change this...would he remind you to talk things out if you slip?  Have any ideas what you could do to control this behavior?    You will be surprised how helpful kids can be.

You are an insightful, loving, intelligent human being...You will get through this.  Change is never easy and takes time...don't give up.  If you need to come back here every day so we can tell you that.... do so, we will be here to support you.

Bless you and yours

Jeanius
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Post by Jeanius » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:51 pm

Hi, I hope that your situation has improved and that you will never allow yourself or anyone else to create situations where your husband or son has to choose between you and MIL. Perhaps you can find opportunities to demonstrate very special love to MIl knowing that she may not be as receptive as you may have hoped. It is true that if you change your approach and behaviour in a relationship that you create a condition for change in the other person. firetopaz really gave some insightful advice. Go well
Shaping the Laws that Shape our Lives

srimathi29
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HOW HANDLE THIS SITUATION?

Post by srimathi29 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:07 am

My mother in law who 93 yrs still she is very bold and commenting others for some thing,which i don't like at all.My kids are grown up,they also dislike her,because being  a grand ma no love at all.now also she is very stubborn.my husband is very quite and reserved person.Every time i have to handle the situation.please anybody suggest some thing positively?

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