I would like to share an experience I recently had involving an ex-friend and myself. In this time I have learnt the true value of "helping others". A little over 4 months ago, I welcomed into my home my close friend of 4 years. She was looking for a fresh start in her life as her marriage had ended and she was financially strapped and it seemed a mutual thing to have her move in. In this way, I recieved help with my rent and she recieved an opportunity to begin anew...a chance to be happy again, a chance to re-build a life for herself.
Long story short, it didn't turn out that way. Things turned nasty only after a few short weeks. It was in this period that I became aware that she was harbouring a deep resentment for me. To this day. I still don't know what it is and I can only hazard an educated guess. You see, all I ever wanted to do for her, was help her...or so i thought. Let me explain. From day one, I went above and beyond what I needed to do to make her life easier for her. I tried to make my home hers. I tried to always be happy around her. I always tried to be there for her to talk to. I tried to always extend my advice and opinion when she wanted it. Thing was, suddenly everything that I was, wasn't good enough for her.
Suddenly, my out-right honesty was too harsh and she saw it as, "I don't like the way you talk to me". Suddenly, my opinions were groundless and she saw it as, "You're talking to me like I'm a child". Suddenly, everything that came out of my mouth was wrong and I could do no right and she saw it as, "You're judging me!"
It was apparent to me that no matter what I said to her, I would be wrong. This in turn, caused me great stress and anxiety. For those who have never experienced anxiety attacks, let me tell you, it's bad. You feel you are losing control and nothing can help you. Your world is nothing but panic-stricken madness as I felt I was continuously walking on egg-shells around her. I knew after 4 months, something had to be done because living like that was quickly becoming my un-doing.
So, I gave her a choice. We could resolve these issues that had arisen or she was to leave. To my amazement, she opted to leave and I was left dumb-struck. I couldn't believe it really...that she was willing to throw away a 4 year friendship, just like that. She displayed no interest what-so-ever in what I was going through and seemed quite content in her victimhood to see me as the antagonist.
This threw me about for a while after she left. I did "everything" for that woman. Absolutely everything, as I truly wanted to help her. But it was only when I was visiting my older brother did the truth sink in. He asked me a simple question, "Did you want to truly help her or did you want to help her for yourself?" A very interesting question...
If I truly wanted to help her, I mean "really" help HER, then how she acted towards me would be of no significance, would it? If I did everything for her highest good, then all the insults she threw at me, all the nasty remarks, all the disrespect, wouldn't touch me because I knew within my heart the truth of things.
It became so clear to me...the simple, utter truth...the vision to just "let go". For if one truly seeked to help another, then one would not NEED another to help them. I have learned this and quite profoundly. It was then that I looked within myself and saw that it was my NEED to have her appreciation of my help that made me so upset. It was that I recieved no aknowledgment of my help, that my ego screamed, "Hey, just wait a damn minute!" For me, this was a HUGE awakening...and old patterns that I had formed in my life over the years began to make so much sense.
For I have always wanted to help people. Ever since I was a little kid. And for a while there, the ego got in the way...but no longer
And so, I wanted to share this with people. Perhaps, it can help someone else. I understand now when the Dalai Lama teaches, "Detachment". For it is to be detached in a way to help others. For they cannot see that which is yet to grow but you can. Thus, there will always be resistance but if you're detached from it yet still compassionate, you will not be hurt and will be better equipped to see things from a "higher perspective".Lastly, I have also learnt, "You can't help someone unless they are willing to help themselves first". Inadvertantly, my ex-housemate has taught me much and for this I am grateful and hopefully in time, she can see what I inadvertantly did for her
Please share you're own stories if you wish on this topic