Thank you both for the comments Spirttalk and eye_of_tiger!
Ah, so it's been 18 months? One year and a half. That's not really that long ago.
eye_of_tiger wrote:Hi Wolf,
How recently was it taken?
Just as making resolutions while on holiday can unknowingly set you up for breaking them, a photo taken while you are on holiday for the purposes of a picture reading may not be telling us the true or whole story about what is happening in your life at the moment, and how well or otherwise you are dealing with what is happening. It is normal for you to feel and look more relaxed, positive about yourself and glad to be alive, while you are on holiday?
Just a feeling that this reading could have been negatively influenced by this not being a typical photo of you when you are at home and dealing with work and other life stresses on a daily basis, which may temporarily disappear while you are on vacation.
This photo was taken at dolfinarium, a place in holland with all kinds of sea animals! I'm really glad to read this message because what you just wrote because I was afraid that this would have happen but, because I never make my own pictures, and there is not reason to have, I decided to put on this picture.
About that I feel more relaxed and feeling glad to be alive at that moment in hat picture is indeed the case. I felt relieved and finally got some stress of my back.
I will write down how I have been feeling these 18 months.
Last year I've been diagnosed with autism. Not a problem since I already had a suspicion that I would have this. What I didn't know was the outcome of my life. My future is already determined and it is not positive.
I would never have children (being a mom was the only thing I wanted, but you can't have everything). Never study. only stocking shelves in a supermarket and sit behind a computer all day. See how all my former bullies and sisters are going to an good and normal life and probaly have a familie of their own, and me... having gone through hell and having survived so much and barly keeping myself alive ...and this is the result. Why have I been born in the first place?
I just wanted a normal life. I do not have to stand above someone. I don't need or want to be a doctor of professor, just an average life, a good paid job, but most of all, being able to enjoy life. Now I won't even have my own place. The worst thing is that this is the most positive outcome for me.
I'm not only feeling useless. I just going to wait till my parents die from old age so that I can die. It's making me desperate. I do not know what to do. I have tried everything but can not do anything about it. Also, my view of the world and people are dangerously.. ill.
I thought back to the reading and thought. Maybe you see something that will give me strength to keep on going. heck, just maybe something positive will happen, maybe they see what's going on with me and that they can give advice. Of course I need to work on myself, and believe me I want that. but so far I have nothing to fight for. There are no options left. I want to keep fighting for myself and msot of all my parent, but do not see the point of it. I'm tired of living in fear and trying to survive everything (I'm not going to end my life, I wouldn't do that for my parents.)
So, I have not really had fun the last few months. I do not know if it's good for me was to write this. I do not think you can help me, but you never know.
Again, thank you both very much for the comments, and I hope this wasn't to depressing to read.
PS eye of tiger: I looked at my shirt, it says: being happy doens't mean that everything is perfect. it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
....I should have looked at this shirt earlier! XD