Reading request for Eye of Tiger

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Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:39 am

Hello Eye of Tiger

I hope you are doing good!

If I may, I was wondering if I could ask another question.
As with any personal development work, I’ve had my ups and my downs (mostly ups).
It is a journey after all. But it has been mostly ups.

However, I remind myself through any challenges, that I only have one life to live, and a short time on this earth, which encourages me to make the best of all that I have.
I’ve had some amazing experiences recently, and am in decent place.

One thing I struggle with is being treated with a lack of respect/consideration by 99.9% of people.
I acknowledge the comments you made a few months ago, about self repulsion inviting others to treat me in kind.

However, I am consistently ignored/ghosted/dismissed by people that haven’t even met me in real life.
I’ve continued on with your advice of meeting new people in person in places I shouldn’t hypothetically meet like minded people, but I can’t seem to land friendships given the above. The best I’ve attracted is more than acquaintances, people that co-communicate as ‘friends’ in the situation - but they never seem to want to take it further.
If I’ve tried, I’ve been ignored/ghosted/ received non committal mixed messages that pretty much sound disinterested, or equivalent.
Or even stranger experiences such as clients I’m friendly with providing glowing references to land me big money contracts, turning cold /dismissive/rude/disrespectful just 24 hours later.
Again, these are virtual relationships that haven’t seen/experienced the self repulsion issues that you said are mirrored back to me in social dynamics.

Shall I just leave it and stop trying in this area? Perhaps just go to the socials, and expect nothing more than an hour or 2 of conversation as the best and only kind of relationships that I can attract? It is what it is if so.
I’m able to make the most of life, whatever my circumstances, as you know.
Thank you again for you tip about getting out in nature. I do this frequently (solo) nowadays and it recharges me and leaves me feel amazing and energised.

Finally, I appreciate your candour and honesty about my repulsing people, and people abruptly cutting me off because I’m emotionally needy and have too many problems.
I’ve worked on my self confidence, but in all honesty, I’m not far enough along to hear the above or similar at this stage.
I am very grateful for your consideration.
However, I do kindly/respectfully ask that If the reasons for the repetition compulsion in my life are pertaining to similar (people repulsed by me) etc), then I’d prefer not to hear for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to take such things in my stride in the future.

All the very best, and thanks again for all that you do for MB, and our wonderful MB community.

V

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:47 am

EIT (and readers)

Please excuse my many typing and grammatical errors, and repetition in the last message.
it posted earlier than expected, and before I could proof read it.
I meant to to write - places I SHOULD hypothetically meet like minded people.
I hope the rest of the message was coherent.
Best

V

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eye_of_tiger
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by eye_of_tiger » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:26 pm

Hi Vogue,

I had no problems understanding what you wrote.
Shall I just leave it and stop trying in this area?
Stop trying?

Absolutely not, but at the same time do not constantly put yourself down or feel that you have failed, simply because UP UNTIL NOW you have not managed to find other than situational friends or acquaintances.

Do not stop trying to find a friend, but there is such a thing as trying too hard, and being too hard upon yourself in the process.

If you have one or two true friends (according to how you define friendship) during an entire lifetime, you are probably doing better than most of us are.

Situational friends are better than having no friends at all.

View your interaction with people in many different situations as equal to having one true friend in most situations.

None of us is perfect.

Even a friend is not without his or her own imperfections and personal issuer, which could at any time potentially impact in a negative manner on your friendship with them.

There is no need for me to continue to go on about the possible reasons why you are experiencing difficulties in social situations, once I have made you aware of this possibility.

Indeed, if I were to continue to remind you of this, it is only likely to make you feel unnecessarily guilty and make the problem even worse.

Fear and guilt are very poor motivators for anyone to attempt to make the required positive changes in their lives.

Unnecessary fear and fear will almost always produce the complete opposite effect of what you are wanting to feel like - which is more self confident in a wide range of social situations (hopefully leading to forming a new friendship.
However, I am consistently ignored/ghosted/dismissed by people that haven’t even met me in real life.


If they have never met you in person, then they are even less in a position to be able to know and understand you, when compared to people who have actually met you once or twice.

Unfortunately I think that you will often find that what you are seeing as you being ignored or dismissed by these people who have never met you in the same place, is more a result of the pressures which they are under themselves.

In other words in many cases, your problems with them are a lot more to do with their problems, than they are likely to be a product of your own perceived failings.

Please let me know if you have any further questions about what I have written here.

Regards ,

Brian :smt023

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:06 pm

As always and every EOT, thank you :smt038

I really appreciate the feedback, and feel that I've received reassurance that I'm on the right track. Thank you for guidance and continued support.

Yesterday, I went to have something called Emotional Freedom Therapy. A kind colleague that owns a dog I dog sit suggested it (the dog is also very kind/loving, and always cheers me up!). It helped release a lot of my anxiety and cleared a lot of my limiting beliefs, and brought much needed calm into my body and mind. I then went to a social situation and the group got on so great that we were talking for hours and created a group chat (virtual), on leaving. The comments made in the group chat were 'I'm so grateful to have met my tribe'.

I feel that your kindness, guidance and wisdom and the EFT and the loving kindness of the EFT therapist has alchemised things. I feel very grounded and set for the future. So thank you to all!

Also, I meant to mention that I had a transformative spiritual experience earlier this week after watching a play - which resulted in clearing intergenerational trauma, which I intuitively feels drives a lot of things that I previously felt concerned about.
I have only one last question, if it isn't one too many. No worries if so, I understand.
I'd like to start mentoring young people that are a bit lost in life and that want to carve out a path. But my intuition is holding me back for some reason. I understand if this is a decision that only I can make for myself, but I would appreciate any feedback/insight into if it is right choice or if I should wait a few more months or years until my intuition has a 'green light' vibe about it.

All the very best and namaste

V :smt048

Vogue123
Posts: 41
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:07 pm

*Ever vs every

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:50 pm

Oh and very last question.

There is one situation that I can handle 'judgement', even if it is that I repulse them or whatever.

I met a group of women at a 'depression and anxiety' social group. We seem to be likeminded, and have a good rapport. We go for dinner after every social, just the 4 of us. They met before I came onto the scene and occasionally meet up with each other (i.e have normal friendships). I haven't 'pursued' them (i.e. asking for phone numbers, to be able to engage similarly). My intution tells me not to. I just wanted to see what your perspective on why they haven't initiated things, to take it beyond sporadic meetups to friendship. I don't mind hearing feedback that I repulse them or any too needy etc.
I have set the provision of letting others take my phone number if they wish/are genuinely interested, which saves on the backlash on/around the things you mentioned. Do you feel this is appropriate or cowardice?

And honestly, don't worry if these are 2 questions too many. I completely understand if so.

Best

v :smt039

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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by eye_of_tiger » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:29 pm

The advice is to continue to listen to your intuition, about what you feel comfortable with.

Listening and following one's intuition is more than appropriate.

It usually involves taking certain risks (here the risk is that you might eventually lose contact with these women), and is therefore the complete opposite of cowardice.

Love, Light and Healing,

Brian :smt038

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:13 am

OK. Thank you so much Brian! Much appreciated :smt041

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:43 am

Absolute final question (I promise).

The main reason why I like the socials with the 3 women is because we are honest/open about our vulnerabilities and mental health challenges, (which appear to be pretty much the same).

It is a group about chronic depression. We feel uplifted after meeting each time (or so I perceive!?).

I feel that I’m reasonable with my interaction with them.
It feels 50:50/co- supportive, and I don’t feel I am overwhelming to them ?

If I am, I’d appreciate advice so that I can learn to calibrate my communication style, which might in turn bring out successful outcomes with social dynamics/friendships.
Basically I’ll just never talk about any personal challenges with people again, if I always (unintentionally) come across as too much/emotionally over reliant on others.
I’ll of course continue to trust my intuition as well.

All the best

V :smt048

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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by eye_of_tiger » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:42 am

I will hold you to your promise. :smt002 :smt002 :smt005

Such a group (formal or informal) can only work if each member talks about her personal challenges in an open and honest manner, as well as any techniques they might have found which have worked for them.

Which does not mean that a particlar coping technique which they have discovered by trial and error in their own lives which works for them, will work for everyone.

The overall balance between giving and receiving help and support in any support group is constantly shifting from day to day (or even hour to hour when it comes to feeling unusually depressed), largely depending upon each individual's experiences at that time.

On some days, you might need a lot of emotional and other forms of support. On other days it is somebody else's turn to be supported.You are one of the givers.

If you had been constantly overwhelming them with your own personal challenges and not at the same time providing help and support to other members with theirs, you would have been forced out of the group long ago.

The fact that these women do not seem keen to keep in contact with you outside of your group meetings should NOT be viewed as a sign that you are not accepted as a member, for whatever reason.

Have you ever considered the possibility that they may wish to keep their group attendance and the rest of their private live's entirerly separate from each other?

Just as many of us like to leave our jobs behind us, when we go home.

Some of these women may not have told their partners or other family members that they are meeting other depressed women, and not want them to know about it.

Respect their right to do so and maintain their right to privacy, as they should equally respect yours.

I can see no valid reason why you should need to recalibrate your communication style.

Why try fixing something which is clearly (at least to me) NOT broken?
Basically I’ll just never talk about any personal challenges with people again.......
Doing that could potentially have fatal consequences for your health and survival.

At the very least, keeping your personal challenges to yourself could easily and quickly undo whatever positive progress which you have made up towards better mental and emotional health, up until the present.

Continue to share your personal challenges with these other women, but ensure that you are always available and ready to listen to their challenges, whenever they feel ready to release the information.

You will take more energy from them on some days than you give to them, while on other days this energy transfer will be reversed.

That is just the nature of attending any support group, over a period of time.

Support groups are self balancing and self limiting.

L&L,

Brian :smt039

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Sat Jul 27, 2019 9:13 am

Thank you so much Brian. That really helped put things in perspective, and confirmed that I’m on the right track. :smt023

I very much value my connection with those women, and association with them massively took me out of solitude/built up my self confidence, as being in each other’s company is relief from chronic depression (situational friends or not).

Overall, your feedback has reminded me that I’m on the right track, and the path is not linear for anyone (and that is OK).

As always, thank you so much for your sage advice, wisdom and support.
It honestly means more than I can put in words.
Also, for anyone reading this thread that relates to chronic issues that hold you back in any part of your life - I strongly recommend Emotional Freedom Therapy.

Whilst I’m very much still on a journey (aren’t we all!) - it helped to alchemise the past in a big way.

All the best

V :smt040

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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by eye_of_tiger » Sat Jul 27, 2019 11:22 pm

Vogue, :)

And thanking you in return for the honest and very complete feedback, which you have provided me with.

You are definitely not only on the right track with your mutual support group, but are also well along it and making further positive progress in leaps and bounds, towards achieving your ultimate goals.

See you on the road less travelled,

Brian :smt049

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 12:52 pm

Thanks so much again Brian. Namaste :smt041 :smt041

Vogue123
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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by Vogue123 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 7:47 pm

Hello Brian

Hope you are well!

I don't link the thought of only emailing if asking for help. 99.9% of the people in my life (in the past) only contacted me in that capacity, which I found rather unpleasant/irritating.

I think it is important to give feedback and express gratitude.

I wouldn't have had the courage to take the next step in my life, if it wasn't for your non sugarcoated advice given last year.

What might have seemed 'obvious' to others, certainly wasn't for me. Taking the step of attending meetups and meeting new people has been a gamechanger.
Things are going from strength to strength in that area, and my confidencehas grown. I even got feedback from new people last night, that they were shocked to hear that I perceived myself as having no/bad social skills. They were kind, warm and welcoming. Also they initiated contact today (finally there!!).

It means a lot to me, and I have managed to let go of specific expectations when meeting new people, and just enjoy the moment with/around people with a high/good vibration.

It is an understatement to say that that is uplifting.

I tried out something called 'circling' this week, that was a magical experience, wherein I experienced a very profound connection with people.
And tomorrow, I'm meeting recently made friends that I have seen weekly since meeting for (they initiated the contact). We have meaningful conversation and they are very kind people - I finally met my tribe :smt026

I'm so glad to have escaped the mental prison that I had unwittingly created for myself for 3 years.

Thank you again Brian. I wouldn't have got here without your consideration

I can honestly say, I'm really looking forward to what the future holds (rather than looking at it with fear, after a lifetime of that attitude).

My mentor's release of me was for the best, also. It was time for me to stand on my own two feet, and to know I can
do so without the close guidance of someone that is just as a human with their flaws as I and the rest of the world are. It was a necessary ending.
I'm grateful for the emancipation that has been delivered to me by the universe.

Thanks again!

All the best

V :smt041

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Re: Reading request for Eye of Tiger

Post by eye_of_tiger » Thu Aug 15, 2019 11:43 pm

Dear Vogue,

"When the student's ready the teacher will appear, and when the student is truly ready the teacher will disappear."

I feel in my soul that you are now truly ready to spread your wings, and to fly solo.

It has been both my pleasure and privilege to be allowed to share this relatively small but still highly significant and progressive part of your total life journey with you.

Loving regards,

Brian :smt049 :smt049 :smt049

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