The mystic magick fly

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erik
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The mystic magick fly

Post by erik » Fri Dec 28, 2018 10:40 pm

A long time ago, from Februari 2002 on, I was in a psychotic state of mind, it lasted some time. It was started because I read an article in a free newspaper that 20 men had beaten up people who came out of church in Gouda on Februari 10th 2002, I read the article on Tuesday Februari 12th, just 15 minutes after I had taught a yoga class.

I had a very peaceful and tranquil mind that day because of the yoga and when I read that article I suddenly became very angry, sweat was pouring down under my armpits and was on my upperlip. I called the newspaper to ask more about this and that made me more angry. A few days later I had to work as a barkeeper and nightguard, that was my job and I posted what I read in the article on a few forums online. I am not going in detail what the article was about, but it was terrible for me at the time, now I don't care anymore.

Anyway, soon after all of this I became paranoid psychotic and didn't know what to do anymore, I didn't enjoy my yoga classes anymore and felt terrible. And one day, in the late Summer of 2002 I was lying on my couch in my living room and was watching all the flies that were banging their heads to the window, there were a few, not so much.

But suddenly I saw a fly flying on the left side of me, it felt different, this fly was different went through my mind. I payed attention and the fly flew towards the window, and the window was a bit open on the downside. And just when I looked from the corner of my eyes, the fly flew directly towards the open space under the window that was slightly open. It flew out of the window, and at that moment I heard in my mind, or I thought:

"Go to India, you'll be free."

I remember that I was in great joy when I thought that and my decision was made, I quit my job and I went to India in October 2002, I stayed there for 4 months but the thought in my mind was not true, I was not free.

Anyway, because of a fly I went to India.
Write down your dreams, you'll live twice !!

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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by erik » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:27 pm

Correction, the actual thought I got when I saw the fly flying towards its freedom was:

"There is a way out, go to India!"
Write down your dreams, you'll live twice !!

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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by eye_of_tiger » Sat Dec 29, 2018 4:07 am

Hi Erik,

To me a "psychotic state of mind" means that you are losing touch with reality.

That is you cannot tell the difference between what is real, and what is not real.

I am not sure whether that is what you were meaning to say here.

Experiencing fits of uncontrollable anger, which are way out of proportion to reading the distressing details of this news story does not usually mean that you are losing touch with reality, but it does mean that you are having a hard time accepting how tough and unfair reality and life can often be.

I am not a qualified doctor psychiatrist or psychologist, so I cannot tell you whether you are suffering from a genuine mental illness or a personality disorder.

Since I believe that you are similarly not medically qualified to diagnose psychosis, be careful of using words that you clearly may not understand the full meaning of.

But one thing I can say for certain is that it is very dangerous to base such an important life decision as moving to another country ONLY upon your intuition.

Just as it is dangerous to make an important life decision based entirely upon logic.

We are meant to find the right balance for us between using both logic and intuition, at the same time.

When your inner voice told you "Go to India, you'll be free," did you take any time to question what it meant by free?

Freedom from having to find a job, because this would be guaranteed not to be a problem in India?

Freedom from feeling angry?

Freedom from having to ever read such upsetting news stories again in the future?

Freedom from anything almost always involves you having to give up something in exchange.

Did you compare the advantages and disadvantages of staying in the country where you were born, with moving to India, before making your mind up?

What are you willing to give up in this country, so that you could move to there?

Did you compare the risks of moving to another country where you have no family or friends, with the risks of staying home?

In your angry and confused state of mind, all logic has gone out of the window, and you have based this potentially life changing decision on the illusion of a fly entering your mind, and in some way giving you an insight (inner truth).

Our minds are always playing tricks on us, but whenever an important decision needs to be made, the consequences of making a bad decision could be much greater and longer lasting, if you base it ONLY on what your inner voices tell you.

There may have been the potential for you to be temporarily free of having to be unemployed in India, but you still have to apply for jobs and attend interviews.

There are no guarantees of anything in this life (other than death and taxes), no matter in which country you are living.

Take care of yourself,

Brian :smt049

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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by erik » Sat Dec 29, 2018 8:30 am

Hello Brian,

thank you for your kind reply, as I wrote in my other reply I was diagnosed paranoid psychosis after two suicide attemps and a few years later, after a second psychosis, I was diagnosed schizophrenic.

I did go to India, but I stayed there for 4 months, I came back totally paranoid, it wasn't a good move from me to follow the thought that there was a way out to freedom in India and actually go there.

Now I am better, I take medication, 5 pills a day, and everything is going smoothly.

Cheers!
Write down your dreams, you'll live twice !!

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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by eye_of_tiger » Sat Dec 29, 2018 10:48 pm

Erik,

I nearly merged your two postings so that I could treat them as one, but I changed my mind at the last minute and left them as they were.

I am saddened to hear about the many health challenges which you are facing, but with a proper diagnosis and treatment your chances of living a reasonable life with this illness (as it is incurable) are significantly better, when compared to if it had not been identified earlier.

I was actually wondering why you did not include the diagnosis of schizophrenia (paranoid schizophrenia) with your posting, and I looked for your age in your forum profile, as I believe that this condition often first appears during the late teenage years.

As you have learned from your short stay in India, not all inner voices can be equally trusted when you are seeking inner guidance.

But this does not necessarily mean that you should never look for guidance in this manner. It is just that you have to learn to better sort out those voices which can be to a certain degree trusted, from those that definitely cannot be trusted.

This sorting out process is what is referred to as discernment, and in your case you clearly have a much more difficult (but not impossible) task ahead of you to be able to reliably hear your intuition above the constant static produced by your self destructive voice (s), as well as the dampening effect of the medications which your doctor has prescribed to treat your schizo.
it wasn't a good move from me to follow the thought that there was a way out to freedom in India and actually go there.
Unfortunately we often learn our most valuable life lessons through our mistakes. But beating up on yourself for being human (which automatically means that you will make plenty of mistakes along the way) will never encourage you to keep going.
Now I am better, I take medication, 5 pills a day, and everything is going smoothly.
I am pleased to hear that, and I am very glad that you chose life, and that you reached out for our guidance on Mystic Board.

Kindest regards,

Brian :smt023

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erik
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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by erik » Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:38 am

Hey Brian,

I got my first psychosis when I was still 33 in Februari 2002, I turned 34 that year, I am now 50 years of age, so it was 16 years ago. Yes, and about my voices, I still have them and sometimes I pay attention to them and sometimes I don't, sometimes I think that they just want to play with me. I can't take them too much seriously anymore, but to have them can be fun, it can be terrible too.

Yes, I am happy to be back on the board to post some memories, it was fun to do when I first joined and it is still fun to do now, thank you for being here :smt002

Cheers!
Write down your dreams, you'll live twice !!

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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by eye_of_tiger » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:46 am

Erik, :)

Thanking you for your extra feedback, and I for one am glad that you are back on board, and actively posting.

Brian :smt023

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erik
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Re: The mystic magick fly

Post by erik » Tue Jan 01, 2019 12:06 am

:) :smt002
Write down your dreams, you'll live twice !!

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